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How To Deal With Extra Traditional Mil..pls Suggest...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Dec 27, 2019.

  1. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    That's the way to go!
     
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  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks to all who replied...
    One more thing bothers me...
    I used to work in good job earlier some years back , but post delivery I m not working as I need to look after toddler...Due to personal and health reasons I’m unable to go for work right now...I’ve reduced expenses as I’ve no income...
    I don’t buy cosmetics As I don’t use them much...I don’t buy gold Jewellery, sometimes I buy artificial set... I buy only few necessary gadgets which don’t cost much...I don’t ask for expensive vacations and happy with small weekend getaways to local places, I don’t spend on expensive clothing etc..I don’t even keep cook or full time maid like other home makers do as it’s very expensive In my area , I keep only part time maid who comes for an hour to do basic cleaning and leaves...i rarely eat out...
    Because H and in laws are people who don’t like un necessary expense...even I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to spend freely and and careful about money to a great extent..
    But my previous clothes of some years ago dont fit me due to weight gain after delivery...I’m unable to lose weight due to health problem...I buy casual tops now and then for regular use as I also need to look presentable..and I get sarees blouses stitched now and then as there are many occasions and functions and poojas in my family circle...
    I don’t usually show my purchases to my MIL if I buy online or from retail show room or mall...but being in same home she comes to know when I have new outfits or purchased any new cloth for my baby...she will make comments that’s these days people are spending so much on clothes and in their time they couldn’t afford...they would just have few sets of dresses and wear ...if I want to buy something from store I hear such criticism..I dont spend more then 500 or 600 rs for casual wear top...sarees I didn’t buy but had got few years back and lying unstitched so got stitched...really I feel bad...
    I always reply politely that I need to wear proper fitting outfits according to latest trend and leave it at that....
    They may have traditional ideas but should I not look fashionable and presentable.? If I was working in a big company and earning no one would comment...just because I’m house wife I’m not allowed to pamper myself with 500 rs top?
    Many relatives spend thousands on grand dress for family functions for their kids...I don’t spend that much , I buy very reasonably priced cloths for my toddler...even for occasions...
    My in laws relatives side ladies of my age dress so fashionably, both working and non working ladies...no one comments on them...
    If I was slimmer I wouldn’t have to buy new outfits and older ones would have fit..feeling so bad...why they dump traditional ideas on me...
    This time there was new year sale in all places but dint buy as I myself don’t find necessary to shop everytime there is sale...
    Was feeling kinda upset today...don’t know why...
     
  3. traveldream

    traveldream Senior IL'ite

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    Learn to trust your judgement and not worry about others comments, it helps to get over such comments easily.
    Find a distraction and learn to overlook the unnecessary comments and focus on any positive aspects of your MIL.

    You should know your own value and good heart, and not seek validation from others. You seem to be a nice woman who is very sensitive, its better to develop a thick skin so other's opinion doesn't bother you.

    Your MIL will also be aware of your nature , traditional though she might be ...she will also be talking to others in her circle, watching TV serials etc. These days there are very few young women willing to stay in a joint family, so the fact that you are in a joint family already proves your good nature . So to continue in the long run learn to ignore such comments and soon enough she will learn to not make such remarks.

    ITs only our reaction (verbal or expressions) which encourages such responses more and more.

    Anyways, cheer up and make sure to enjoy dressing up and living it up , for the alternative of leading your life according to IL's wishes will definitely affect your happiness.
     
  4. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks, your reply is quite comforting...
     
  5. NaiveLady

    NaiveLady Senior IL'ite

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    I definitely sympathize and can empathize to an extent with the orthodox/very traditional nature of your MIL and what she expects from you. My MIL, who also lives in India, is similar: she also expects me to wear mangalsutra, bangles, bindi (and sindoor after prayer) though she didn't make a big deal of my wearing/not wearing the toe rings. However, in my regular daily life I don't do this because I live in (and grew up in) the US ever since I was 6 years old, since its not commonplace here in the US (and presently I do not live in an area with a large Indian population). I just wear all this when visiting temples/religious functions/India.

    Sorry to hear of your hormone-related health issues, if your MIL cannot understand/sympathize with that and the fact that for health reasons, you cut your hair short, then that is really very unfortunate and sad. It is your hair, you should feel free to do as you wish. Like you, I also used to have long hair and also got split ends over time. I refused to cut it short (just did a bit of trimming) for awhile, but I lost all of my hair last year due to health issues. It is growing back but I honestly have no idea how my MIL would feel if I decided to style/color it (its okay because I don't really care to anyway). My co-sister, on the other hand, has a more modern style than I do and styles her rather short hair in different ways, and surprisingly my MIL seems to be okay with that.

    I agree it is very tough to follow everything all the time. I can definitely vouch for that with my own life even though I fortunately do not live with MIL most of the year. Even though I grew up in the US, I have some habits that may be seen as "traditional" by elders such as our MILs (I don't drink, wore long hair until my health issues arose, enjoy Carnatic Music/Sanskrit/shlokas, mostly avoid onion and garlic at least at home) but am also non-traditional in other ways (my standard dress is a t-shirt/full-sleeved shirt with either pant/long skirt, I don't know how to make the more complex traditional foods, and though I am spiritual, I don't follow most of the rituals or believe in a lot of the olden day customs/beliefs). In the end we just have to be true to ourselves and not try to keep running the race of winning them over, and just learn to accept that we will never be traditional enough for them, for our own peace and sanity. It is not easy but be strong. Enjoy your life, do something you have always wanted to do - who cares if your MIL approves? Sorry to be blunt but she doesn't sound like a very reasonable lady anyway. What is your husband's stance on all this? Is he supportive of you?
     
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  6. Mahanu

    Mahanu Silver IL'ite

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    Most of the replies here are trying to make you rebel against your MIL though from your words, it is clear that you are not interested in any kind of confrontation. I think such rebellious behavior by you now after this many years will only worsen your situation. You may feel victorious in the beginning by defying her instructions but will completely rob your family's peace of mind, which will have an impact on many other aspects of your life. From your words, it also seems that your MIL is also not a very rough and tough person trying to impose her views on you, though expressing her feelings and views on those things which are deviant in nature as per her beliefs.

    I suggest you to divide your issues on the following basis and deal them accordingly:

    1. Matters in which both you and your MIL are in the same page - try to speak about these with your MIL as much as possible to create an impression that you are also like her, so that in due course, she may overlook some deviations by you and not make such things a big issue.
    2. Matters which are causing minor frictions that you can adjust without feeling bad - this will also create a lot of goodwill for you. Don't forget to highlight such adjustments made by you in your discussions, often, albeit, in a courteous and pleasing manner.
    3. Matters causing major heartburns between you two - you can discuss with her regarding these matters in a calm manner as you are doing now. If you are close to some relative of her side or her close friend in your neighbourhood, you can express your disappointment to them, provided they are also not like your MIL, and request them to make your MIL understand the change of times and the need to have a harmonious relationship with family members.

    Just my two cents. All the best.
     
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  7. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    That is the operative statement for all in all situations. I like it.
    This way one can avoid other illnesses that creeps in with suppressed desires eventually turn to chronic and other undesirable tendencies.
    God Bless.
     
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  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    Very plausible in the circumstances and OP would like to consider this.
    Thanks and Regards.
     
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  9. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:One idea that I can suggest is from a family friend of ours. It was exactly similar circumstances.
    The young working DIL had problems with maintenance of her tresses. She knew her orthodox MIL WOULD NOT like her trimming it. She invited her like minded friends during week ends who have already done their tresses either trimmed or trimmed and coloured.

    Their visits with their spouse added to the flavour. Luckily for her - her spouse tad modern inoutlook but at the same time tongue tied in front of mom. They took their MILs on small tour to temples picnic spots on few occasion.

    With passage of few months, Mil changed a lot, realised the benefits of ease of maintenance and on her own suggested to her DIL to follow the trend. MIL herself later WITH DIL visited the parlour and switched her tresses like that of late INDIRA GANDHI.

    Thanks and Regards.
     
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