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How To Deal With Dominating In- Laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by amulya2020, Sep 13, 2021.

  1. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello everyone,

    There are many things about my relationship with my in- laws (especially mother-in law) that bothers me but here is the strange scenario these days as in-laws became comfortable using phone especially what’s app. :unamused:

    My mother in law is like a drama queen. Where she doesn’t have any cordial relationship with anyone in the family except my sister-in-law. she is so much interested in quarrels that she find faults in everything and complicates out of every single thing( the angle which a normal person can ever imagine). She easily puts baseless blames on me and “always and always” ends blaming my family irrespective of topic and it’s a big sin even if I defend myself. :smash2:

    So directly coming to the point there were times I had to bear this all drama in presence of her or during phone calls with them. I even used to have lot of fights and disturbances cropped up with my DH due continuous hearing negative not true complaints on me/DH and my parents(irrespective of topic). But gradually we have decreased the frequency of phone calls as I became busy with taking care of kid etc and husband himself realized that his mother is creating and prolonging unnecessary unwanted discussions. That was really made things lot better and peaceful. But once they started using what’s app they both in-laws started sending videos/messages with negative or degrading things about a son or daughter in law. It’s like now even though there is no direct interaction but there views and thoughts are forcibly put on us. Like someone preaching how a daughter in law should behave, how some son sent there out of house for money, what law govt introduced that in-laws are will not be punished for any quarrels, how girl side parents are spoiling daughters, daughters are better than having sons etc. The one I mentioned was very normal ones there are lot more these are the only ones on top of my head right now. The thing is there are many families in the family group, all have there own families. All have their own issues. No one shares these kind of stuff. The thing is they are very dominating, they start the issues every single time, they blame every time and doesn’t take blame, they take money and behave responsibility was never taken, they ill treat me they complicate things but contradictory share things like these and project indirectly as if someone is they are not being treated well and indirectly. The only and only once I put some general status about people attitude, my mother in law took it personally and had made a big scene out of it saying that all her relatives watch and what they think if they see those kind of statuses. Took 2-3 hrs class on phone (her minimum time to scold and eat brain during quarrels). Where as they can directly post rubbish one sided post in groups and statuses. I just see they are just taking advantage of elder card and creating unnecessary nuisance which is not needed. I’m just ignoring these things for mental peace and I usually stay out of it as the saying goes in telugu “ buradha lo raayi vesthae mana meedhane buradha padthadi” which means if you throw stone in muddy puddle you will only end up being dirty with all the mud that is spilled back( sorry for the bad translation :crybaby2:). So usually I don't initiate anything from my end. But I have been seeing these kind of messages every now and it’s hurtful and then and I have felt lately that we are just being taken advantage of our silence/goodness.

    So please ladies please suggest how to handle these kind of dominating or narcissistic in-laws ? :BangHead:
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Mute your WhatsApp notifications and ignore any unnecessary messages. Do not pick up unwanted calls. Or better yet leave the group altogether and let your husband deal with the drama. I promise that will work.
     
  3. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry about hearing these. Its very common mind games by inlaws what to do. Nowadays since most DILs are educated, take stand for themselves and not be a doormat, some inlaws feel insecure n threatened.

    You are right, hitting on mud will only cause the mud to fall on you.
    So best is to mute the whatsapp status updates of those people, leave the family group. If anyone asks reason you can say that it's nothing personal, just you wanted a social media detox to utilise your time on work/kid/home/hobbies etc.

    When you cant change people or situations, change the ways of interaction. Remove yourself from unwanted conversatios.
    If she calls and lectures you, why do you have to hold the phone for 2-3hrs?

    Listen for 5mins n then interrupt her n say her not to stress so much in old age its not good for her health. Then tell her some imp work is there or you left some vessel on stove so need to go etc makeup dome valid excuse everytime.
    Cut short the calls slowly.
    If you alltogether stop answering her call suddenly, it will b an issue.
    So use excuses and reduce the call duration slowly.

    You cant avoid or ignore such people but you need to have thick skin and be smart to slowly set boundaries.
     
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  4. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Whatsup
    - exit the group
    -mute notifications
    -clear chat, dont even read it

    Phone call
    -dont engage much
    - limit talk to yeah, ok etc..dont share any thing..
    -Talk neutral topics
    - find excuses to limit talk
    - keep phone in speaker mode. Let dh hear them. Dont take phone call when dh not around. Find some excuse like it was muted, taking bath, or with kids, at work, charge issue.,. Etc

    The issue is about them. Their low level. Dont engage. Let them think what they want. Who cares. Develop thick skin. Maintain distance. She is expecting some reaction from you that boost her narcistic supply. Dont give her. Have patience. They get bored. Indifference is the best answer..

    Positive : your husband supports you and you are not living with them. So dont waste time on them. Use that time to build your life with your dh and kids

    I found this video. Some tips are useful

     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2021
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  5. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Silver IL'ite

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    Either develop thick skin to ignore the 'nautanki' videos and hidden messages in those
    Or
    Block and unblock every 30:3 days..
    Dont ask me how I got that idea but its working. If there are any messages about what you thought about videos.. just type 'yes' but the heat of the message would have already had gotten cold ( as its an old message)

    My inlaws send messages like ' our neighbours dog's fourth pup has opened his eyes' and to my husband they send messages like ' shall we go ahead and take that property on our name and you pay the emis?'
    All the messages me is to meditate so that I dont react to the atrocities they do.

    I love pups and meditation and spirituality but messages coming about the above things from them makes the world look hopeless. They are faaaar from empathy or spirituality.

    I dont need daily dose of these small talk.. once a month is enough.

    What will they think?... well, they taught me not to care.
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2021
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  6. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    True I have to do that but for now I have to do it after few days have passed.
     
  7. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    Definitely May be in long term this should help. I should try to avoid the prolonged discussions. The thing is she never stays on a topic she jumps from one to another with illogical blames, and never listens what other are saying. And the only chance we get to explain in between(not even completely :smirk:) that was not happened. She creates her own story and emphasis the same thing that she is right.

    Yes, what ever May be the situation I must try to cut the conversation with some excuses.
     
  8. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    Sure May be I have to develop thick skin for these kind of issues. Thanks for sharing the video, it is interesting and useful.
     
  9. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    I’m not sure about blocking thing as she has issue with everything however if feasible I definitely wanted to :smiley:

    Yes I definitely may have to develop a thick skin towards these kind of people.
     
  10. Dishaa

    Dishaa Silver IL'ite

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    Simple block them out....

    Whats app - Exit those family groups. If not mute them....

    Phone calls - Block them up and only receive or unblock them in your DH presence.
    If cross questioned by DH, tell him these type of forwards / messages disturbs your peace of mind....
    If they try to contact you via unknown numbers simple tell them you are busy or not answer unknown numbers..
     
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