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How To Deal With Difficult Mil?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anika987, Aug 26, 2020.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    I probably need to tell you a thousand times, Count your blessings, that in laws don’t live with you ! Enjoy life..because of what I’m experiencing now...
    Your MIL lives thousands of miles away and nags you maybe once in ten days over phone call...my In laws live under same roof..their nagging pisses me off daily...
    I’m working my ass off as there are no maids and chores need to be done...
    But directly or indirectly she keeps saying that I m not doing work and I should work harder and do more work..she keeps telling what hardships she faced, how work she did when she was my age....BORING...
    She loves to travel and is Pissed off coz travel is not possible..she shows her irritation in different ways...
    Keeps complaining of health problems and lack of rest though she is getting so much rest and relaxed here...
    I have some health problems ,had to be on heavy medications unfortunately.. she keeps arguing as to how I got this , why I’m taking medicine and how others my age are so much healthier and fitter than me...
    After all the slogging some of my old clothes started fitting and I felt my weight may be stable or reduced...I always wear loose fitting nightwear at home which don’t compliment my figure and she made a remark that my *** looks bigger and I’ve gained weight there and she started telling me to do such and such exercise to reduce it!!!!
    I’ve always had a pear shaped body and nothing can change it!

    U really think you’d have been happier if your MIL was not your MIL, some other lady was your MIL?
    She would still irritate u in a different way ...!
    You’re husband understands and doesn’t interfere so you’re lucky...
    Just suck it up, speak once in ten days, sympathise with her..tell her how much you understand her problems,, enquire abt her health, share some list of movies she can watch..tell her u made her favourite foods..just pamper her virtually...
    Even if u don’t mean it...
     
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  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    I will give u an example of one of my relative...she is smart and cunning, she doesn’t like her MIL but knows to handle people well...
    She will never lift a finger to help or keep her in laws in her home for a single day...but over phone s he will speak sweetly, she will say how much she respects and thinks about them...
    I feel they’re unwell she will say..oh..I’m so upset I’m not there to take care of u...alas! I’m feeling so bad...take care...
    She will say next day...I was so upset that you’re sick..I was unable to eat anything...I prayed for your good health...
    They’re bowled over by her charm...
    though she has never looked after them and lives in different city and hardly the son and DIL come once a year for courtesy visits for few days and go...they keep singing her praises...
    Learn from her...
     
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  3. Bubbles

    Bubbles Silver IL'ite

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    @anika987 Why the guilt?
    Reflect on that.
    Are you subconsciously expecting your MIL to be okay with what you are doing - with whatever boundary you've drawn?
    That, is not going to happen, right? In fact, the whole thing about drawing a boundary is taking a course of action, irrespective of what the reaction to it will be. Its saying, this is what I do, and not concerning yourself with their reaction.
    Having said that, I am also like you emotionally, and just drawing a line in itself is a big task for me. And once I take a stand, and H or in laws or somebody respond unfavourably to it, I start feeling upset and start lamenting their behaviour... And then I remind myself of the above fact : their reaction is not your concern, only your actions are.
    You are lucky that the DH is not bothered about any of this.
    Let this discomfort make you reflect on your own self, and make changes in your own mind (and not change yourself in attempting to make another feel better).
    @SGBV's suggestion is a great one, about directing your guilt. It is an excellent example of how one must deal with boundary issues: take the feeling (guily about not wishing in-laws on a spl day), reflect on what the feeling means (you value your in-laws), and figure out a way to honour your values without breaking your boundary.:worship2:
     
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  4. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    She does a lot of “emotional blackmail” and talks about karma,etc..

    Also how people don’t take care of old people and are selfish and will know only when they grow old! It is not like I expect my kids to take care but she is “adamant” in saying that I will feel the pain at her age!! Sounded more like a curse..

    then comes the TEARS..that is the worst part! I then feel bad when I see a 70 year old cry..

    However..for sure once we are all together ..it is like the BIRBAL and BETAL story..

    she will start her antics again for sure..
     
  5. Bubbles

    Bubbles Silver IL'ite

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    So basically it is her reaction which is bothering you, right?

    Why does she want you to call her, in the first place, does she enjoy your phone conversations so much? I doubt that, more likely it is to edge in to her son's life - it doesn't look like he is keeping in touch, so she is trying to use you.
    And, her ego does not allow her to call you - even when you offered.
    So it is pretty obvious that she wants to stay on her MIL pedestal, and she wants YOU to pay obeisance by calling her etc. And then, from where she sits, she can continue doing her usual.
    You sense this, and resent this. You do not want to be under her thumb. You wouldn't have minded if she were genuinely nice. But she isn't. So it has become necessary to enforce a boundary so that you don't get hurt.
    So far so good.

    Whenever we are assertive, and establish boundaries, the response is usually negative - anger or tantrums or worsening of the behavior. It gets worse before it gets better is the usual dictum. This behaviour is usually that person's attempt to stop you from having that boundary, so that they have their prior control/power over you.
    (If they are reacting this way, it usually means the boundary is actually working! Which is why they don't like losing their advantage and act out)

    The appropriate response would be to ignore their reaction. Not just act like ignoring, but actually ignoring. That's a really tough one to do in real life, I must admit. What really helps here is acknowledging that they have a right to have a reaction, good or bad - and you too have the right to your own response. Basically, don't get offended or angry or upset that she is acting out, but accept it wholeheartedly as the way she chooses to respond. And ignore it, as your response to that. Do not engage.
    But you know that, that you must ignore. The problem is the heart. You are wondering if it is the right thing, if you maybe wrong...that's why the guilt?
    What I mean to ask is, it just that? Or is it something more? Look deeply into your heart.
    I cannot answer for you, but for me, whenever it comes to dealing with my spouse/in-laws, even when I know I'm doing something right, I tend to feel a significant amount of guilt/get defensive because of my intrinsic tendency of people-pleasing. So the guilt is always there, and I'm learning to recognise it and accept it as an indicator of me doing something right vs being nice (and feel bad about it inside).

    You can show some empathy, even commiserate with her. Agree with how truly awful it is, how miserable her life is.
    And, when you learn to see her actions for what they actually are, you will probably be able to even tell her, "I must really start doing some good deeds to counteract the misery we put you in.." :smilingimp: For that, all this should truly not affect you. The best repartees come out of i-dont-care-attitude.
    But seriously, remember that (1) if her life is truly miserable and lonely because of your keeping distance, it is a good example of consequences. Actions have consequences. Allow her to face the consequences of her actions, not out of spite, but so that she will learn to modify herself. If she was/becomes nice to you, you won't keep distance, nah?
    Of course, many people don't change. And that is not your responsibility, to make them anything.(2) if karma-boomeranging, curses etc really bother you - even when your intentions haven't been malicious but self-preserving, then trust in God and let God take care of it! But you aren't really scared about that, are you?

    Sorry for the rambling reply, been too long since I had any real conversations with people :facepalm:
     
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  6. Pinkrose80

    Pinkrose80 New IL'ite

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    I have started making my husband deal with his folks. I only support where needed. It has significantly reduced my mental load.
     
  7. Pinkrose80

    Pinkrose80 New IL'ite

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    Sorry off topic, but please an anyone tell me how to create a new topic here? At the bottom of the page it says "you have insufficient privileges"
     
  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Hey this is actually more common than you think! karma related philosophies are repeatedly told by many ladies of previous generation...and this emotional blackmail is nothing new...my MIL has also done the Rona-Dhona Natak during fights..and would say that we will suffer for our sins later on in life etc..and other stuff on similar lines to what your MIL says...this sort of thing makes me too uncomfortable and seems like a curse only, same way that you feel...well, I’m suffering already I feel ! She has completely put me down and makes me feel like a loser and sucked out all my confidence and positivity !
     

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