How To Deal When Parents Interfere In Your Married Life..

Twinkel · Nov 22, 2019

nemesis said: ↑

Thinking again, living in India (or letting the interference happen) is a great spiritual experience.
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It definitely is, positive souls take it in a positive way and negative souls in a negative way and whine about it

nemesis said: ↑

The idea of 'self' is not just you: an ensemble of your entire ecosystem: Everyone including your maid, neighbor, relatives, co-passengers all have a free hand to opine on things in your life and they take offense if you don't pay heed
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Seems you've never lived in India and if you did (or do) you definitely are into wrong circle! Everybody has a say definitely, but not in everything, my maid has a say in what detergents we use or what timings she comes in, but not in my property matters, not even remotely close. Are you even serious?? My copassengers opines about the inconvenience or traffic and would never interfere in my personal matters. And my neighbours and we have a most pleasant and friendly bond wherein we discuss about get togethers and fun, and no-one surpasses the boundary unless we let them!! And my mom suggesting me something is NOT same as a maid or co-passenger interfering. I pity you if you think they are all the same, maybe it's common in the place you hail from!! Nobody has a free hand to opine on every tiny detail of my life and you got it all wrong!

nemesis said: ↑

maturity and individual is a myth. .
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yes, it's not bound to a country and I can see it!!

nemesis said: ↑

And if any decision based on above goes wrong, you have the same ecosystem to rely on to whine about it - side effect free Prozac.
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Decisions are taken consciously, based on wisdom, experiences and stages of life, irrespective of which country you are from. When things go wrong, few whine on ecosystem and few on situations, again irrespective of country.

Twinkel · Nov 22, 2019

SGBV said: ↑

Dear OP

Use a white lie. Tell her that you had conveyed this to your PILs via H, and they are cool about it.
Tell her that they have started sharing, and you are planning to invest the same on the kids from now on.
But warn her not to speak this with your in laws.
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Yes, this seems like a good solution for now

sweetsmiley · Nov 22, 2019

Hi OP,

I read ur note about ur MIL's support for your TTC in some other thread..
So try to use white lie for now like others suggested and warn ur mom..
i feel u have wonderful in laws and please stay the same..

shravs3 · Nov 22, 2019

Twinkel said: ↑

my maid has a say in what detergents we use or what timings she comes in, but not in my property matters, not even remotely close.
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I have seen some maids do interfere in personal stuff. It’s quite annoying sometimes.
So setting boundaries is a must before they get habituated.
Maybe not all maids are like that but I myself have experienced with few of them.

Dhamini · Nov 22, 2019

Twinkel said: ↑

I'm so upset right now. The issue might be tiny but disturbing me as I want to settle things down in a diplomatic way without hurting anyone. Wise ladies here can give me some sense on how to deal with this.
A little on my background, I've been married for 7 years. DH is a great man. He has an elder brother. My mil, bil, cosis and their 12 year old daughter live together in a different state and me and hubby live in a city where both of us are working (Now I took a break from work). My Fil expired when my bil and dh were kids. My in laws are great human beings and we are all emotionally connected. My Bil is a farmer and looks after all the joint property.
My parents live in the same city as us and both my mom and dad are still working. My parent's is an well educated and metropolitan kind of lifestyle and in a way, little materialistic.
7 years after marriage, now am pregnant with twins and both side families are very happy. But since a month or so, my mom has been pestering me with something. My mom started off saying as am pregnant with twins, I have to get extra smart with managing my finances. I was initially confused, as both me and dh are earning well, have decent savings and wondered what made her feel we are not smart in managing finances. She then proceeded to say, "It's been 7 years and all the income that you have to get on the joint property, like on farming lands, rents etc are being enjoyed only by your bil and cosis, it's high time you ask for your share of income on joint property too." I brushed her off saying me and dh earn very well and also, we earn more than what my bil earns on the property. Also, my bil takes care of mil and all her expenses, like medical and general. We (me and dh) are not at all interested on that income. Things are going just fine and let them be.
My mil and bil previously, 5 years ago asked about income sharing on the property and asked us to have our share. But we told them as we are earning well and mil's expenses are being taken care of, we don't want to think about dividing property anytime soon.
But my mom keeps repeating this issue with me and that started disturbing me. I know my mom and she wasn't being cunning. She was just concerned that by not claiming our share of income on joint property, we might end up not getting our share property. I know my in laws as well, one hint and they'll happily give away our share. But me and hubby are not comfortable asking for the share, mainly because the share of income we might get on property may not make much difference to our life style, but it may effect my in laws.
I don't know how to handle the situation. After 2 months, I would be leaving to my mom's house for my delivery and I know she will keep on poking this issue and I can not be harsh on her.
I told her repeatedly that it's my hubby's call on his property and am not dictating him decisions. I told her that it doesn't make us much difference as we are earning well. But she says it's not about the income on property, but the property itself which is a big deal and my kids might not get their share. My heart and brain knows nothing of that sort might happen, but the repeated arguments between me and mom are giving me sleepless nights. My hubby knows about this but he doesn't know the severity and frequency with which my mom's forcing me to ask my in laws.
I sometimes feel like screaming not to interfere in my married life, that she might unknowingly end up breaking happiness in my and my in law's home as this is a sensitive issue, and we are just happy the way we are. But then I can't be rude to my mom and can't even talk to her in loud voice. In general she is a good human being, but she's making deductions out of what she has seen in her life, with her in-laws, which is a complete different scenario and different story.
How should I be handling this without hurting anybody??
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You have a lovely nest which is of a rare kind.

I have read only few of your recent posts. First my congratulations on your getting pregnant with twins.

You have a lovely extended family which many don’t have and to be honest that’s all you need. They show their love and affection which you have shared here and it was so nice to read.

Put a full stop to your mum’s advice and tell her that if you get any share from them on their own volition you would be happy and would never ask them for it. Honestly it’s for the parents to decide whether they want to give the assets now or later. You mother in law is still living with her son and let her decide when she wants to divide the property.

Twinkel · Nov 22, 2019

shravs3 said: ↑

I have seen some maids do interfere in personal stuff. It’s quite annoying sometimes.
So setting boundaries is a must before they get habituated.
Maybe not all maids are like that but I myself have experienced with few of them.
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"Some" maids, yes. But that's not country bound. It all boils down to boundaries you set and how much lenience you give them, isn't it?

Twinkel · Nov 22, 2019

Dhamini said: ↑

You a lovely nest which is of a rare kind.

I have read only few of your recent posts. First my congratulations on your getting pregnant with twins.

You have a lovely extended family which many don’t have and to be honest that’s all you need. They show their love and affection which you have shared here and it was so nice to read.

Put a full stop to your mum’s advice and tell her that if you get any share from them on their own volition you would be happy and would never ask them for it. Honestly it’s for the parents to decide whether they want to give the assets now or later. You mother in law is still living with her son and let her decide when she wants to divide the property.
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I agree. For now, for the peace of my mind, am going with the "white lie" idea wonderful ladies here gave and that seems to settle down things for now

mangaii · Nov 22, 2019

I wouldn’t lie . That would jeopardize the relationship with mom and Mil since both the parties will get affected . I would rather hear my mom complain than lie . Since you are mentally strong just ignore it . At the end of the day It is easier to deal with unreasonable mom than to break her trust and hear lifelong complaints. Please don’t lie

Dhamini · Nov 22, 2019

Twinkel said: ↑

I agree. For now, for the peace of my mind, am going with the "white lie" idea wonderful ladies here gave and that seems to settle down things for now
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I probably wouldn’t advice so.

Let’s say on a future interaction when you aren’t around and your mum blurts the lie; it would totally jeopardise the relationships with your in laws. Be truthful to your mum and ask her to keep this advice off from you until you have delivered. Time will make her focus her attention elsewhere mainly her grandkids.

It’s my 2 cents but it’s your life and you decide accordingly.

Dhamini · Nov 22, 2019

mangaii said: ↑

I wouldn’t lie . That would jeopardize the relationship with mom and Mil since both the parties will get affected . I would rather hear my mom complain than lie . Since you are mentally strong just ignore it . At the end of the day It is easier to deal with unreasonable mom than to break her trust and hear lifelong complaints. Please don’t lie
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Same thoughts. Agree with your advice.