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How To Deal Money Matter With In-laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by lakshya2018, Oct 11, 2018.

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Oct 12, 2018 #21

Deborah Gold IL'ite

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lakshya2018 said: ↑

Once my MIL said we will save ur & my son's salary to buy plot or new house. Why to keep the money in house locker when we are not going to use it? Atleast can buy gold jewels or coins in my money ?? just keeping it in locker is useful?
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Tell her you want to make a FD with that money and you can always break the FD whenever they like a plot or house (i guess ,you can break it after 6 months with no penalty).You will earn some interest (it was 9% when I was working in India,don't know the current rate).
If they refuse or given some archaic excuse,it is a red flag .

Deborah, Oct 12, 2018

Deborah, Oct 12, 2018

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Oct 12, 2018 #22

Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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Greedy Mil

Read this and don't give more than needed or necessary.
1) open PPF
2) get medical insurance
3) open SIP
4) open a gold saving - right time Diwali near ing
5) give money for food and shelter. I would suggest get a rental bill from FIL in your name as proof for Income tax filing.
6) buy groceries, veg, fruits snacks. Nothing more than that.
Period.

Vedhavalli, Oct 12, 2018

Vedhavalli, Oct 12, 2018

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Oct 12, 2018 #23

lakshya2018 Bronze IL'ite

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DDream said: ↑

Did you talk with your husband and expressed your views. What is his stand on this issue?. If he believes in what his father says, then it will not be easy for you. Your dh needs to grow up.

You are the one who should control your salary. No one has any right to control it. I suggest you to nip it in the bud. You are married to your husband not PILs. I like transparency in all levels. But in your case it wont work. Saying no is the best option. But it will create lot of turbulence if your dh is not with you. So you need to find another better option.

Try diplomatic way first as you are living with them and they are otherwise good. You should not allow even your husband to control your income in this case. Dont fight. Take a deep breath if you face any questions and talk in calm and sweet way or learn not to talk or divert talk. Try to deal it in a smart way. Dont reveal your salary, increase in salary or bonus etc.. Give some amount monthly to expense (what about giving to dh and ask him to give a total amount to FIL as your family (you &dh) contribution (example 10K or 20 K or whatever), If FIL asks you it give to dh & ask him, or dont respond for demands) . If they demand more, give a deaf ear ( in your case- phone bill, dont pay it. Let them cut it if they cannot pay even after giving salary). If he still asks you again and agin, say you have lot of cuts in your salary and dont have money. If they ask you again tell them ask your son or ignore it. Divert them. Don't address it. Keep on asking about chits they promised. Make sure your name is on it.

Talk to your office admin and find ways to invest. you can increase PF, retirement savings (I dont know what exist in india), join for fixed deposits ( in bank or post office) or your own secret saving accounts. Keep all the documents with you. Never reveal your income or saving to others.

Suppose you have a baby, are you going to ask you FIL for each and every penny you want to spend on your baby. Its a pathetic situation. Try to fight for your rights now itself. Dont go for a baby with these many issues.

[ I remember story of my friend, I shared it many times. She was asked to give her full salary to PILS, She said No. She said; if she knows how to earn a job, she knows how to manage money. She is an adult not a kid. But she is ready to contribute to family budget. There was huge drama saying that its their custom in their family that PILs control salary of DIL and son. She said no. Its not going to work. She stayed firm. She didnt have support of husband. She faced everything that followed. They even call her names. But she stick with what she said. Finally they gave up. However she continued contributing to family and taking care of PILS very well. Anyway she win the war in the end and moved to another home with dh &kids. I dont know will this work with everyone . I will do the same if I face similar situation . I never faced it and I manage my salary. So dont know the dynamics very well]
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Thank you so much for your reply.

Before talking about this to my PIL. I asked my husband... to know what's his mind set.
I asked him Can invest my salary other than keeping it in our home... what they are decided to do with my money... if I ask them they may take it wrongly.. so please ask them. i dont want my money just wish to invest it so that we can be benefited. He said I cant ask my parents they may take it wrong. I never asked like this before... they only manage my income. I dont want to involve in that. Again I said could be better if we buy gold or something .. he s not ready to ask them. When it reach some big amount will buy 4 or 5 sovereign of gold jewel. I dont feel his words are so true. Feel like he said just to end this topic.

I'm not going to leave. I going to ask now or then. And so far I'm so true to my husband.. tell everything to him. decided not tell him about my bonus or increment hereafter.

lakshya2018, Oct 12, 2018

lakshya2018, Oct 12, 2018

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Oct 12, 2018 #24

lakshya2018 Bronze IL'ite

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gauridinesh said: ↑

How does your FIL know how much your salary is? Does he see your salary statement? If not, then just tell him that you started some investment policies that get automatically debited from your account and reduce the amount. Like someone suggested, increase your PF contribution, start some Recurring Deposit accounts , so that there is not much actual money left in the salary. Open a "secret" bank account if possible and just transfer your saving into that.
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Actually I made a mistake in beginning. Myself said my original salary when they asked me.

Thought they will invest that money or buy me jewel. That what they said in the beginning.

lakshya2018, Oct 12, 2018

lakshya2018, Oct 12, 2018

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Oct 12, 2018 #25

lakshya2018 Bronze IL'ite

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Minion said: ↑

Your FIL is showing his power through controlling your salary and your H salary, your FIL knows that you will be under his control as long as you both don’t have financial freedom, you both should say that you are adult now and want to learn how to run the family and ask your FIL to give his money to you so that you can invest for them.

You know what happens to a man when you take away his power ?

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My husband never accept it. As I said before its their custom. He s not ready to hurt their parents in any mean.
Its hard to convince him when it comes to their parents. I afraid what wil create a rift between us.

Actually mine s love marriage. Already i said my h that i want to manage my salary. that time he said ok, dont worry my parent wont ask ur salary. You can do whatever u want or keep it urself.

once i got married, my h asked me to tell his father that my salary credited... when i said that to my FIL.. he asked me to bring it... I'm afraid to tell my opinion at that time because im new there. regretting now.

But my h also ask me to help my parents even i dont think about that. I appreciate ... it tell that for real. So I'm trying that wont affect him.

lakshya2018, Oct 12, 2018

lakshya2018, Oct 12, 2018

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Oct 12, 2018 #26

lakshya2018 Bronze IL'ite

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shravs3 said: ↑

What if they give your salary to help your SIL and her family in future? You may not know what exactly is happening behind your back.
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I dont think they will give to SIL. Because both her and her husband are govt employees ... have 2 own houses. Well settled family. they dont need their help. Still I fear what if they buy gold from my money to show off. I'm really confused.

lakshya2018, Oct 12, 2018

lakshya2018, Oct 12, 2018

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Oct 12, 2018 #27

lakshya2018 Bronze IL'ite

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Deborah said: ↑

First of all,start chipping in household work as far as you can . Don't let your MIL do all of it .The reason being the day (if it ever comes) ,there is an issue of you asking where-abouts of your salary that you have been handing them,they will point towards the amenities you are getting in lieu.Its basic human nature and I have had a bad experience myself.Plus in matters of money and relationships,people look at them as give and take ( sadly).For eg,take care of kitchen on weekends or pay for food if getting it from outside.Do your own laundry and your H's if there is a washing machine.
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I'm already doing this. I do all work on weekends expect their laundry and breakfast.

Deborah said: ↑

Lastly ,sit down with your FIL (head of household) and H and chart out clear-cut share in the household expenses.Ask them clearly what all things do they need you to pay for - like phone bill or groceries or water bill. Pay that much regularly to FIL and please ask them not to make any sudden changes.The money you hand them should be either for some bills or for some FD/RD ,not something they can save away under their pillow.
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When my h is not ok with it... then how can I do without his support.

lakshya2018, Oct 12, 2018

lakshya2018, Oct 12, 2018

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Oct 12, 2018 #28

lakshya2018 Bronze IL'ite

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Vedhavalli said: ↑

Greedy Mil

Read this and don't give more than needed or necessary.
1) open PPF
2) get medical insurance
3) open SIP
4) open a gold saving - right time Diwali near ing
5) give money for food and shelter. I would suggest get a rental bill from FIL in your name as proof for Income tax filing.
6) buy groceries, veg, fruits snacks. Nothing more than that.
Period.
Click to expand...

Apart from my salary, I buy snacks for them .Usually from remaining amount I used to buy monthly needs (soaps & other cosmetics) needed for me. because they dont know what i use or they are not happy because they may think I'm wasting money in costly soap or shampoo. So by myself.

They buy soap , shampoo,etc for themselves ... Now they stopped buying that and using mine. No prob in using when we are one family ... But apart from salary im giving them i have to spend separately for this.

lakshya2018, Oct 12, 2018

lakshya2018, Oct 12, 2018

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Oct 12, 2018 #29

lakshya2018 Bronze IL'ite

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I brief my story here .

As I said before mine is LM happened without my parents because they are not happy about my decision. I waited for 4 years so married without their will. I have bought jewels for myself nearly 15 soverign and kept it in my mom home itself. We are in talking terms now. But yet my parents hesitate to give my jewels to secure it. They want to see atleast one year after that they may give.. just to assure im in safe hands.

Why doubts about my PILs arised because Im giving my part of salary to them. they know i dont have any jewel to wear. already 2 3 functions happened in their relatives side. I wore the jewel they have in home. If they dont spend my salary, they have approx 90 k with them ... My PILs bought gold jewel for their grandchild & for themselves... why dont they thought to buy me something because i dont have anything...Then and now say have to buy me gold ring but never bought. One time we all went to buy jewel for GC, that time asked do you want to buy anything before i say anything said we dont bring money for that. tell me if you want we will buy next time... if they really want to buy for me then would have bring my salary right?? why they keeping it themselves ??? or they bought in my money???

Is really something wrong or I'm imagining myself???

Apart from this prob, they are good to me. no other issues with them.

lakshya2018, Oct 12, 2018

lakshya2018, Oct 12, 2018

#29
Oct 12, 2018 #30

kavikuyil Bronze IL'ite

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lakshya2018 said: ↑

I have bought jewels for myself nearly 15 soverign and kept it in my mom home itself. We are in talking terms now. But yet my parents hesitate to give my jewels to secure it. They want to see atleast one year after that they may give.. just to assure im in safe hands.

Why doubts about my PILs arised because Im giving my part of salary to them. they know i dont have any jewel to wear. already 2 3 functions happened in their relatives side. I wore the jewel they have in home. If they dont spend my salary, they have approx 90 k with them ... My PILs bought gold jewel for their grandchild & for themselves... why dont they thought to buy me something because i dont have anything...Then and now say have to buy me gold ring but never bought. One time we all went to buy jewel for GC, that time asked do you want to buy anything before i say anything said we dont bring money for that. tell me if you want we will buy next time... if they really want to buy for me then would have bring my salary right?? why they keeping it themselves ??? or they bought i
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Ok, Tell (don't suggest, don't request but tell) your husband they can manage his money if he wishes but you are going to manage yours from now on.

Next don't wait for your PILs to invest the money in your name or buy jewels, tell them that you are buying a necklace or bangles (or whatever... be specific on what jewelry and tell u need one) with the money you gave them and you need the money and go buy it!!! If they want to accompany you to jewelry store, sure, why not.. but make your own choice. Get a locker in YOUR name and put your jewels in there (not the jewels in your parents house, but the ones you will be buying with your money earned after you got married). Do not bring up any talk about the jewels in parents house to PILs or your husband.

PILS seem to be nice to you because they want to keep the ATM happy ... but if they are truly nice, they'd have invested the money as jewels for you as they mentioned.

Next month onwards, do not give the money. They will ask you - you can tell them - <insert husband name> will give his for family share and you will manage yours. with a smile.. and go about doing your business. How many ever times they ask or show passive aggressive behavior or aggressive behavior or when your husband ask you to give - just refuse with a smile - No, I will manage it for myself.

You should not depend on other ppl to be nice to you, so they can decide where or for whom they will invest your hard earned money. You are an independent woman who can take care of yourself and your family (if and when there is a real need). Just go ahead and be that woman!

kavikuyil, Oct 12, 2018

kavikuyil, Oct 12, 2018

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