How to deal dominating sister-in-law

you are posting this Q here not because ur sis in law is like that. its because of your husband who doesnt know to stand on his own. who are they to poke their nose on your personal life? until he realized and raises his voice, there is no solution. you will keep worrying on this. they are doing this since your H is not bothering. Husbands should stand like a dam between ILs and wife. and allow the only necessary water to flow through the dam.

for now, just ignore your SIL what ever she does. why do you expect from her? let her do anything for others thats her wish. u dont pull things on you and simply worry. dont spoil your health lady

 

Basically this is an issue with your husband. You and your dh should be able to buy things without their permission. If your dh is working and earning his own money, there's no reason to consult with others before buying small items like saree. Please discuss with him that you are tired of all the red tape, and you would like it if buying household items were made more simple.... as in.... you see it, you like it, you buy it. No more consulting with xyz before he gets you something.

As for the other issue of getting respect from people, please lower your expectations. I sense a little bit of an ego issue here. Yeah, we all want respect. But is it going to kill you if you don't get respect from your sil and her daughters? No. So just let it go! Maybe they don't like you for whatever reason. Oh well! You can't please everyone! So let them think what they want about you. Just forget them entirely. When you get angry thinking about them, it's only showing how much power they have over you. So push them out of your mind and they will instantly lose their power to make you angry.

 

You Just do not get respect. "You have to earn the Respect".

An how if you are Mum is paying for some items, I think your Dh right in saying "NO" to it.
May be I am old fashion, but extravagant gifts from parents(Your or His) are hurtful for DH's and eventually your self esteem. There will be more joy when you and your DH work hard save and buy these things. You will feel proud and accomplish. It will also strengthen the bond between you too. Think about it.

 

Hei All,
Even I am facing the problem with domination SIL. She is always interested to show me how my H is obedient to her and how she dominates him. He loves her a lot. I do not mind that. But she or her husband keeps calling us every now and then, even at 12 in midnight.
In between, Sil's husband is my H's Boss. So H obeys to whatever they say. They always try to keep him away from me. My FIL and MIL supports SIL only. and not me. My H never realises these and he follows whatever they say.mean while i got an offer to go abroad from my company, and I am here for past 8 months. i adviced him to quit the job and find a new one where I am. He agreed to it first and changed his mind after discussion with SIL and her husband. Now I have saved some money here. SIL wasnts to buy some land for her. My H asks that moeny from me for her.He has not made any investment in my name till now(its now 2 years since marriage). Also SIL manages my H's money partly and she puts everything in my H and SIL's name. I am like a third person for her. Could you please advice in this regard. What can I do? Shall I go ahead and file a divorce? Please advice.How can i make my H understand all these. He loves me a lot. but he is helpelss in the cituation.
Thanks in Advance,

 

Lovespeace,
My response to your concerns are in bold. Good luck. Hope everything works out for you.


mean while i got an offer to go abroad from my company, and I am here for past 8 months.Wow thats a long time to be away from each other. Probably your H doesnot have confidence that he can find a job on his own. All along he has been working for BIL and thats a deadly combination. Didn't you know that before getting married. Any way what is done is done. Now talk to him about how you want to live together as a married couple and how you are missing him. See if he comes up with any plan of action for both of you to be together. His response will tell you where he stands and where you stand in his life. i adviced him to quit the job and find a new one where I am. He is not a baby for you to tell what to do. He agreed to it first and changed his mind after discussion with SIL and her husband. Again maybe he doesnot have confidence that he can find a job on his own. Now I have saved some money here. SIL wasnts to buy some land for her. My H asks that moeny from me for her.A very big NO from me. Don't give any of your hard earned money for SIL to buy the property. Unless its in your name. He has not made any investment in my name till now(its now 2 years since marriage). You are still newly weds and already you have been apart for 8 months. Also SIL manages my H's money partly and she puts everything in my H and SIL's name. Maybe this is how it was from the beginning, remember he works for her H. Now that your H is married he is the one who needs to speak up and change the situation. Why will the SIL change? I am like a third person for her. Dear not to her ask your H if you are the third person to him. Could you please advice in this regard. What can I do? Speak up with your H and see what changes you both need to make to live as a married adult couple Shall I go ahead and file a divorce? Its too early you havenot even been living together and your H has not even grown up and taken the resposibility of a married man. Please advice.How can i make my H understand all these. You can only communicate to him how you feel. Its up to him to understand and grow up and make changes. He loves me a lot. Are you sure? but he is helpelss in the cituation.Why helpless. All He needs to do is get a paycheck for his work. He needs to deposit that in a joint account with your name. These are first baby steps he needs to take as a married man.

 

Filing for divorce is no joke. If you don't really mean it, don't use it as a threat tool.. it can very well backfire on you.

If your H wants to please your SIL but at the same time if he is willing to cooperate with you, then you both could plan together behind-the-scenes but on the forefront act like your H is acting on his own accord. In this case, you and your H could plan to save 80% of your money and tell your SIL that you earn less and give only 20% for the H-SIL investment.

 

Hi All thanks for your reply.But you know its a very short peiod after marraige and my H does not show signs that he does not like his sister and she is like a second mom to him. Eventhough my MIL and FIL are not comin between me n my H, SIL takes all up and acts LIKe a MIL to me. I am confused. I have communicated to my H that I can not deal with this cituation and i am not his sisters slave and I do not like to live that way. My most concern now is he is not showing any interst to try out a job where I am and does not show any interest wer we will be living together.
But he always phones me and we talk for hours on phone.

 

As already anlysed by other members it is an issue with your husband. I can say from personal experience that some people are really difficult when it comes to changing nature of their relation before marriage.

My suggestion is you can ask for part of his money for personal expense in the beginning. Then you purchase household things without informing even him one day or you can save it in a joint account with his knowledge. This will be foundation of your joint finances. Further , in a subtle way this send the message that you can purchase things for your home without anyones consent. Slowly take your DH along for shopping without giving him a chance to communicate his family.

As per his leaving job and coming to yur place , start it as his short visit to your place. then try to convince him. but, as you have described the situation it is going to be a long story of patience and true love if u want to changes for rest of the life. you have to give him his space and allow him to serve his family within costraints.
i will advice never threat divorce all the while if you don't mean it. In marriage trust comes from only vow that we will stick to each other whatever happens