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How to cope with a spouse who blames you for infertility?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by snm1984, Mar 22, 2013.

  1. sansmomy

    sansmomy Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    I am kinda speechless after reading ur H's reaction and way of treating you...anyways, other ILs have already adviced rightly on tht.

    My 2 cents - I also had severe PCOS and some more issues causing infertelity. I can very well understand your emotional state as I myself faught it for 4 long years. But the miracle eventually happened for us. We could overcome all the physical problems (including PCOS) with consistent medication, continued hope and support for each-other. PCOS is pretty common these days than you can imagine, it can be cured.

    Don't loose hope - God sometimes follow his own timetable to bless us with his kindness. All the best.
     
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  2. sweetshreya

    sweetshreya IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh Snm, I don't know what to say. If I could come to meet you now, I would have. :-(

    I'm sailing the same boat, dear. PCOS, TTC for more than a year, endless treatments, no results and insensitive MIL. She has been feeding DH's brains the same crap. He doesn't say anything directly but I know. I fear the day when he will blame me. Don't know what I'll do. Maybe till then I would have become so numb that words will fall on deaf ears. If marriage has taught me anything, it is that I cannot afford to be sensitive.

    All I can tell you is what I tell myself. That I can only change myself, I cannot change them. And that this is just a phase and it too will pass. 10 yrs down the line when I'm struggling with the issues of having school going children, this phase will just look like that tough exam that I took three attempts to pass.

    Be brave. This stage will pass soon...........
     
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  3. chocogal26

    chocogal26 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Snm1984 and Sweetshreya,

    "Jo jeeta wahi sikander" I don't how to cope up with spouse, but i know how to cope up with infertility issues....

    i suggest this 4 friends of mine this way and in 4 friends.....3 friends are expecting....and if u do it with full determintation....

    u gals already tried everything....so better give 1 chance this to.....

    Natural way to become pregnant....

    Baba Ramdev -Yoga for Childless Couples (Nissantaan Dampati) - YouTube

    do it regularly for 3 months, 1 friend got pregnant with in a month, 1 friend in 3 month, another friend took 6 months.....but it worked for them.....i strongly suggest you to do this yoga.....

    it may take 1 month to 6 month....but give 100% efforts....all the best.

    Baba Ramdev -Yoga for Childless Couples (Nissantaan Dampati) - YouTube
     
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  4. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

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    Hi snm,

    My hugs to you! It is really unfortunate that the person who should be giving you the most support during this phase, is the one who is hurting you the most..This is a journey in which you are TOGETHER.. and hurting each other is SO detrimental to the process..

    I know I don't have a solution or a balm on your wounds, cos you STILL have to have *** with him, cos you STILL need a baby with him.

    It is so easy to say, but please put this past you.. Look forward to the day in which you will be so busy in your own kid's life, that such hurtful words will be a distant memory.

    I wish you all the luck in the world, and will be including you in my prayers. Baby dust all over you, dear!

    P.S. I had PCOS too.. and I have 2 lovely kids now...Yours are just on their way, sometimes God needs a longer time to make a really perfect baby to give you :)
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2013
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  5. GiJoe

    GiJoe Silver IL'ite

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    What does Green Card has to do with this issue, why did he stop the process??
     
  6. Fortune1

    Fortune1 Senior IL'ite

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    Hugs to you dear!! Try pursuing your favourite hobbies, and also try to ignore all the harsh comments from your husband...dont take too much stress to your mind...lots of baby dust to you!!
     
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  7. snm1984

    snm1984 Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks to each and every one of you for your encouraging words and for taking time to respond.IL has really become a major support system,you guys are like my sisters:)I will elaborate more,I want to take my time and respond to each one of you soon.Thanks once again.
     
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  8. leena999

    leena999 Silver IL'ite

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    my prayers are with u and i hope everything gets sorted out and your H is more supportive and your MIL helps the situation rather than adding more fuel to fire.
    all the best.
     
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  9. cutemonster

    cutemonster Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi op!
    I won't say I am sorry for you as I don't want you to feel sorry for yourself and go in self pity mode! This is the time you need to be mentally very very strong. I know TTC can be very difficult time physically, financially and most imp mentally and emotionally. I know you must be very hurt by the way your husband behaved but sadly in India many men would blame their wife if something is wrong in their life . here you have a so called 'problem' but trust me if there was something with our dh then also he n your in-laws would have found fault in your nakshatra!
    First you need to tell him upfront that you don't decide to have a child because he should be USA citizen , or to show the world that yes we can procreate ! For a healthy n happy child you need a happy mind if you are under stress TTC will suffer.
    Pcos is not a serious condition that you can't conceive , its a life style disorder and IL is full of success stories of women who conceived with pcos.
    I feel you have two options either to totally ignore him , which is I feel not really possible as at this time you need his emotional support to keep going. Second option is to have a straight talk with him when he is in good mood and tell him that you also want this baby and for that you need his support. Try to involve him in the treatment , you van go for walk with him , it will help you to fit physically and can be good stress buster , if that is not possible try to do pooja or meditate together. Trust me it helps a lot. I am not qa very religious person but when I had my share of problems in TTV and was in low phase, dh and I would meditate n pray together. By gods grace I am blessed with a nice dh who was very supportive but still TTc can effect a couples relationship.in fact just spending five minutes in total peace with each other n think positive thoughts has helped both of us. I m not saying you need to follow all this, just try of find a way where you both can connect. If still things don't improve you need to seriously think if having a child with him is worth!

    My best wishes n prayers a for you!
     
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  10. snm1984

    snm1984 Platinum IL'ite

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    I just wanted to update.Thanks for all your support guys,I don't know what I would do without you!Anyway today morning I told him I was hurt without the long speech.Things are back to normal now but I am not sure when to have that frank conversation.I just don't want any confrontations and blame games.

    Well I had been ignoring him and giving him silent treatment since that incident.When he tried to initiate conversation I pretended to be uninterested and couple of times I lost my temper with him for silly instances,he was kinda clueless to why I was behaving this way.Before he leaves for office we usually hug and say bye,I stopped doing that too just said a monotonous "bye".In short I withdrew all the affection and love,that was too much for him to bear I guess.So this morning when he said bye,he kept waiting for the hug saying "I am leaving now..leaving now."I was sitting on the sofa pretending to ignore and trying not to laugh,maintain that scowl on my face.Out of the blue,he just came stroked my cheeks and pulled me up for a short hug.Alas that was it,I melted and cried.Felt like a fool,internally chiding myself for giving in so easily.He saw the tears before I could hide it and was concerned.Asked me what was wrong,I told him I will tell later.But he didn't give up,so I told him straight that I feel very hurt when he blames me.He then said I should have just told him instead of keeping that monkey face for 3 days.I told him whenever I tried to explain we just get into fights.After that he just said ok,didn't exactly apologise. Again went slightly into justification mode saying he felt angry and upset and asked me not to worry.

    I think its no use of me giving long speeches and making him understand when he doesn't even realise his mistake.I think he feels he has every right to blame me.I personally feel it would be better if there was a third party intervention.Maybe my gynecologist or a common close friend who could knock some sense into his head that stress will delay TTC process and advice him to support me and not discourage.If that doesn't work I will just learn to suck it up.And I will have my revenge when I finally get pregnant,I will make him slog like a pig for acting like a pig through this process:rant.
     
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