How to convince DW to mingle with my family ?

Jay

This was exactly my thought, and like spidey I was refraining from saying it too because I thought my opinion is so different from what most others have expressed.

Your wife is an adult and it is indeed her wish to decide who she wants to talk to and who she doesn't want to talk to. But in regards to your daughter, you have an equal say in her upbringing and if it is your wish that both her grandmothers be a part of it, I don't think you should have to compromise on that.

Yes, a pregnant wife's health and the unborn child's health is priority, but it is wrong if someone begins taking advantage of such conditions and start becoming unreasonable in their demands. I am not saying that you immediately start fighting with your wife to exercise your right to take your daughter to see her grandma, but calmly explain to her your stance. I think the first step towards achieving that would be to start treating her parents and siblings well. This is not a child's play or a tit-for-tat game where you and your wife stick to your guns that if you don't talk to my friend, I won't talk to yours! I think it's high time both you and your wife realized that you are adults and these problems can be handled more maturely without all the ego coming in between.

That said, clearly also communicate and explain to your mom the reason for all this unpleasantness without accusing or blaming her for all the things you thought she did wrong. I don't know how bad your mom has actually behaved with you guys, but if you think it is time you want to make amends to all that, I think it would even be fair to lay down some ground rules or conditions only under which you will let her have any contact with the granddaughter and that includes being civil to your wife and her family. When your wife sees your mom being decent like that, may be she will eventually come around too!

And about the volcano that you said is brewing inside you, the sooner you do something about it, the better. If you keep letting it build, it will indeed erupt like the Icelandic volcano (I can never get the name) and cause messier situations that what is existing currently.

All the best in whatever you decide to do eventually. But just remember to be calm and not blame either party for this mess.

 

Peartree

I guess everyone has said the same thing in a diff. way...all our friends here do agree that Jay should have a say in bringing up his kids or who the kids have to mingle with...there is no compromise on that so dont worry both of yours opinions are very well taken and not so different than what we all agree with:thumbsup. Glad to see that all of us are on the same page

 

Thanks for clarifying that Srividhya! Guess I have not been paying enough attention to what the others have been saying.

And yes, glad to note that there are at least a few threads that all of us have similar opinions about!

 

Spidey,

Maybe that is true. But she is in her third trimester and preganancy can lead to lot of crankiness also. Better to indulge her for sometime than bring some more unnecessary complications like hypertension etc.


Jay,

Whether your wife likes it or not, she has no right to tell you to cut off relations with your people. Just like she needs her family, you also need your family. Earlier also I thought that your wife should not blame your mother for her miscarriage. It was an unfortunate thing to have happened, but nobody wishes for such things to happen.

Gently tell your wife that though there are some mistakes on your mother's part, you will feel unhappy cutting her off from your life. And you wish to see your children enjoy the company of their other grandma also. And if she does not wish to accompany dont force her, but dont let her stop you from meeting them.

Similarly, tell your mother that though you love her very much, certain mistakes made by her created a lot of mess in your life. And you would be happy if she does not continue to do that and undermine your wife again and again.

You need to set some boundaries on this issue with both of them. Though they may not talk to each other, they should respect your wishes and your happiness too. Dont compromise on that.

Regarding maintaining relations with your brother and SIL, did they make any effort to come and see your wife and DD? Or are they waiting for your wife to make the first gesture? Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Though they may say they have no problem with you, may be their actions are not conveying the same to your wife. JMO.

 

Ok, Jay can calmly but Firmly tell it to her, but surely tell to her - that he and DD will meet his Mom. That cannot be prevented by DW in any trimester.

Any DH should be tender and affectionate towards their DW during pregnancy. Correct, Yes. But if DW starts misusing that pregnancy period extra-tenderness and affection, then thats when she is abusing the affection. But anyhow he can still be calm but firm.

Ofcourse Jay should not force DW to meet his mom. That can be left out to her discretion.

 

If you go through his earlier posts, you would see that he was not at all cooperative with his wife during her first pregancy and post delivery, and that he also physically abused her during that time. And her second pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage. And this third pregnancy must be a stressful time to her too. Though I do not agree with all she does, she atleast needs a stress free pregnancy. That was where I was coming from.

 

I have heard that when a woman gets pregnant she gets emotional , lot of compassion engulfs her heart. She feels soft for things in general... Now looking at the bitterness Jay;s wife is harboring against all.. it is still not going to help her as a person... If she lets go some of ego and gets little affectionate to the point that she initiates a talk or a call to her husbands family, she would notice how loving and caring people are. Even if they dont receipocrate as she expects still it is only going to make her better person... May be she has given up thinking it is not going to help and if she initiates again the cycle will start. In her mind she has valid reasons to behave as she is doing too. But to not allow the child to meet grand parent from husband side is not doign any good to the child either... Child needs nourishing enviornment to live in and if it is possible why to deprive

Stress free pregnancy is her obligation too apart from others...

 

deleted.... made almost the same point as Tridev did!

 

Yes kma, Now I do see the point you are making. Esp. physical abuse at anytime is horrible esp during pregnancy. If he had done physical abuse, then its a miracle she did not walk out and divorce him (IMO if there was physical abuse esp. during pregnancy, she should have walked out on him). So, maybe its her turn to taunt him now. I see what you are saying.

Though I dont know how it is healthy if they keep taking turns.

 

Hi Jay,

In my opinion, you need to give time to your DW to come to terms with what happened, as you said you have established a good relationship with her just now, give her some more time to forgive and forget.
It is unreasonable to call her obstinate, without your in-laws having done anything to you , you have accepted being rude to them, imagine if you had to go through what she went through with your mom.

I would suggest that you let this period pass, stress can do severe damage to the pregnancy (my experience- not blaming my family though), let her have the baby and then you can try to bring them together one little step at a time. Handle this as two human beings in love, one very vulnerable and insecure at this stage(DW) and the other having the capability of having control over emotions (you).

And please, get this out of your mind that she is being unreasonable and start building up the resentment. If she had done that during the times you treated her bad, you would not be together today, right??

Wishing you all the best!
regards,

P.S : Did she agree to the moving at this stage?