How to convince DW to mingle with my family ?

Tridev, am glad that you're getting this picture and should be able to resolve the issues in due course.

JD, am in agreement with Kadambari.. ur turning into a volcano since you want X and your wife wants everything -X.. also that Tridev's story Might be different from JD, just that why to involve or accuse the parents for keeping a safe distance, atleast they're not poking or insulting or trying to prove a point.. they've isolated you to live life the way you want cos their point of view will never matter. They talk nicely to you and you want them to adorne your parents as well, did your parents try talking to hers & they dint reciprocate or is it again an EGO battle that since that set of parents is ladkiwaala they need to do the efforts all the while, till their daughter is married?

 

Jay,

At this time, dont overburden yourself and your wife to please your family or relatives. Better take care of your wife and little ones. As it is, you have too many things on your plate now like relocation, new baby arrival and adjustments to be made on all these fronts. Like some suggested now is not the good time for patchups.

Just relax, enjoy time with your wife and kids . Maintain pleasant relationship with your mother , but do not overdo things to repair relation between your wife and mother. Dont expect too much too soon. Maybe once your wife feels more settled and happy, she may be more ready to forget and forgive.

I cannot know whether your wife is being obstinate or in self preserving mode and you are a better judge of that. If you were very demanding with her in the early days of marriage, it will take some time for her to come out of it. Dont bring in your mother too soon in the picture if you do not have confidence that things will not furthur move down south.

Sometimes time also heals. Be more patient.

 

Jay - it seems DM and DW are at warpath. If they dont want to talk to each other thats fine. Let them not talk. Thats fine

The main issue here is that you want your mom to interact with your kids. You should be able to do so w/o pushing DW. once the baby comes home you can take both kids to your moms house w/o DW. DW doesnt have to accompany you right? she doesnt have to talk to your family memebers if she doesnt want to. You can always take the kids to ur moms house so she can interact wiht them. keep it separate. DW wont listen to anything you say right now coz these are fresh memories. over time she may be able to do a hi-bye relatonship - which is perfectly fine.

keep it separate. no need for both of them to interact and you will have peace of mind good thing is you know the fault of both women so best leave them alone. no need to play the cupid here.

 

Jay

I can say one thing for sure, sometimes our actions and body language speak louder than our words. Our facial expressions talk more than our mere words. We think others do not have the capacity to read all those, but the annoying thoughts we have, irritation we feel and uncomfortable feeling we have abotu a person is very clear when we meet them they can feel it.

What I am trying to say here is...Do not get into negative mode with your wife. If you think she is controlling, or trying to isolate you from your family or other stuff would make the situation worse instead of making it better. Because you can already see in your posts how you are getting angry and upset with your wife, so think how can you be calm infront of her and be firm and still make your point???

For some time please leave your mom aside for a while. Tell her that you need time to fix things and surely everything will be back to normal. Handle one thing at a time rather than all the things at one go..i.e minglign with family, birth of a new baby, you patching upwith yoru wife, building trust b/w you and your wife, your mom on talking terms with your wife or vice versa...

Also your moms involvement is what brought all these troubles. So why demand your wifes parents to involve? why they have to talk to your parents when their daughter herself is on such a road block where she doesnt want to see anyoen from yoru side.? What is more important here? your wife and your marriage or your wifes parents and how they treat your parents? Remember once you are married, all you have to deal with is your wife. If she is on good terms, rest all would be on good terms. If she is not, no one can do anything...Parents can just suggest her, but finally she is an adult she knows what she is doing and what she wants. So why get into blame game of how her parents are allowing all this.Isnt it childish to blame someone else for your wifes behaviour? Its like trying to blame someone outside the marriage, who didnt even live with both of you, who dont have the first hand information on actually what happened in your marriage. Easy to blame someone for what went wrong in your life. First it was blaming your mom and now its your wife.

First of all your wife should trust you...which is clearly not happening. So instead of you trying to patch up things out of hurry, or talking or asking what you want, LET her talk what she wants. Ask her what is the best way to ensure your kids mingle with your side family also. understood your wife doesnt want to mingle its finally her choice she is an adult she can make her decisions.

If you dont allow her to talk or if she is not talking about the issues at hand, remember you would hit a dead end. Thats what happens in most of the divorce cases..where one of the spouse doesnt talk. Doesnt want to mend things. Doesnt see any positivity in the relationship. They wont be able to express or point out a particular reason for their unhappiness as its not one reason or about one issue anymore...everything gets piled up and one day it seems impossible to be in the marriage under the same roof. So dont get to that level.do not have bitterness in your heart about anyone. either your wife/your mother. It wont mend /fix things.

ASK and PLEAD her to talk to you. What makes her happy? and what you are ready to? If she can open up to you and come up with suggestions, you would surely be a winner.

 

Sri

As usual your post is outstanding! You seem to have a lot of understanding and experiance in this respect. Can you give some pointers for how to stay away from the point hwere u stop discussing and finally lose interest in the relationship? I see lot of advises out on the internet but mostly are geared towards americans. Indian marriages are far more complex as the communication level between spouses is not the same. Some men dont seem to communicate well about their deisres/wants/likes/dislikes - maybe because they are not used to or they may be aware that wife may not agree with it at all. Can you shed some advise on how to recognize that partners are getting fed up with the relationship? If so what would be the best way to address it? I think it would apply to men and women. Perhaps this may not belong in the same thread.

 

Jay,

I am not in talking terms with my Mil and when I was pregant my husband thought its the best opportunity to make me and MIl patch up despite of a miscarriage and this being my second pregancy. You know my reaction was how could he have done this to me inspite of knowing everything. I felt my H never cared about me or the kid. I lost my complete faith and trust in him. From his point of view he is only find ways to mend the relationsship. For me he never discussed anything with me and I thought he just put me on the point. I felt everything falls on deaf ears and nothing ends in resolution. I always had the fear that I will end up in the same situation as before and things will be back to square one.

We as couple never talked about how can we handle these issues as a team and I never had an assurance from him in any way.

What DRk said could be bitter but thats the fear I harbor and take a step back when it comes to MIL.

The point you need build that trust in her and need to take things slow. I told my H to send pics to every one and anounce the baby's birth. May be talk to your wife about baby home comming party. tell your wife that it would akward if you invite everyone and not your mil, bil &sil. Ask for her opinion and if she is not comfortable you need to let go. Also offer to take care of all the arrangements for the party.


I think whats important is your baby's & wife's health more than anything else.

 

For a long time, I have been maintaining silence on this thread.

But let me atleast say what I wanted to say quickly:

Jay - I dont agree with your conclusion "action items" that you wrote above.

She's behaving like an uncontrollable brat, and you need to clearly articulate to her that it is unacceptable

Past is past. She's behaving like an idiot now, and you need to tell her that.
Yes both of you have flaws and mistakes happened. It does not give her a license to prevent your kid from meeting the grandmom.

Your DW can stay away from meeting your Mom at your Mom's place. Thats her prerogative. Lets allow for that, she can decide on that. But she cannot prevent you and your kid meeting your Mom. Thats YOUR prerogative.

Forget inlaws, if they want to talk to your Mom - let them talk, else let them not talk. Your Mom does have a right to meet you and your daughter, and she also has the right to Visit your home (even if your DW is part of that home). It is not her (DW) home only, it is both of yours. And yes, make sure your Mom does not repeat past mistakes as well. She (mom) needs to get that into her skull as well.

I know this is probably different suggestion than what the gazillion posts in previous pages have given you. But it is what it is.

She is pregnant yes, and she needs to take care of her health. But that does NOT MEAN she can use that as a weapon to behave like a brat and throw tantrums - which is what she is doing. She is an adult whether she is pregnant or not, and can and should behave more matured.

Anyway, we all can state our opinions - you know the context best. Good luck.