How to convince DW to mingle with my family ?

Jambu · Jul 12, 2010

Jay

Life blesses us with many challenges which are very stressful. Whether the stress is about difficulties or differences it is important to solicit our loved one’s support rather than have them be the brunt of our frustrations. The task that faces us is, to learn to accept our differences, avoid taking other’s differences as personal attempts to frustrate each other, and importantly to compromise whenever possible.

Married couple find themselves hurt at times by the actions or words of their partner which is part of life. So you found it easier to resort to silence and hoped that the relationship will just improve on its own. But it is not going in the right direction you wanted to have. You held the hurt emotions, and attempting to avoid a conflict & holding the pain to stop if additional episodes will occur. Also you start to feel uncomfortable with stating your angry, hurt or vulnerable feelings.

Anger is a common response to feeling hurt and if not discharged, tends to increase and distances the hurt person. Hurt and Anger do not dissipate on their own, they must be released appropriately. To recover from the devastating feeling your DW experienced when you were unsupportive / hurtful, chose the “fight or flight” response. She simply responded with an aggressive, unkind denial and withdrew to nurse the wound. But this approach doesn’t enhance the relationship either.

Initiating conversation about your discomfort with certain aspects of your relationship is a very difficult task. I am sure you would agree it creates fear and uncertainty about the process and outcome of this discussion. Your wife is suffering from deep resentment that developed over a period. She may not want to forgive you for the mistakes you made and she certainly can't forget. It reminds her of the times she asked you to consider her feelings, and how you ignored her pleas. She is reminded of her overwhelming feeling of loneliness, and hopelessness that made her consider keeping away from your family members.

Mistakes are common in married life and the offender usually wants to be forgiven. You are exactly in this situation. Normally the offended is reluctant to forgive, particularly if the offender has not learnt anything from the ordeal. In your case you have admitted your wrong doings. Making change is a tricky process at times. It is hard to see ourselves clearly when we are in the middle of an issue. You will need to convince her that you will not make any more biased decision.

Somehow you must first demonstrate an awareness of how inconsiderate you were and how much pain she was made to suffer. Then you come up with a plan to assure her that steps have been taken to avoid the painful act in the future. Extraordinary precautions to never become hen-pecked, and to avoid circumstances that might ignite another spike, should be part of the plan for recovery.

Have an interactive conversation with her. During the discussion never try to force agreement to your way of thinking, but discuss your differing perspectives with respect. Your DW’s point of view is worth considering, and after you fully understand her way of thinking. Also do not explain how your offending opinion makes as much sense to you as her opinion. But you can apologize for offending her, and try to avoid it in the future. You have to keep that in mind that unless she feels good about the outcome of negotiation, the agreement will not lead to be an expected result.

Everyone has some inner obstacles to succeed in relationships. Everyone needs to undergo some personal growth in order to get beyond their inner obstacles. It is good you have realised your mistakes and trying to bring harmony back again.

Time will heal all wounds and have faith in it.

bhuvnidhi · Jul 12, 2010

Wow..wow..wow..Excellent , Jambu!:bowdown

Somehow you must first demonstrate an awareness of how inconsiderate you were and how much pain she was made to suffer. Then you come up with a plan to assure her that steps have been taken to avoid the painful act in the future. Extraordinary precautions to never become hen-pecked, and to avoid circumstances that might ignite another spike, should be part of the plan for recovery.

Have an interactive conversation with her. During the discussion never try to force agreement to your way of thinking, but discuss your differing perspectives with respect. Your DW’s point of view is worth considering, and after you fully understand her way of thinking. Also do not explain how your offending opinion makes as much sense to you as her opinion. But you can apologize for offending her, and try to avoid it in the future. You have to keep that in mind that unless she feels good about the outcome of negotiation, the agreement will not lead to be an expected result.
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You have put it in a very nice way.

But , Is hen-pecked a good/right word.The reason why I am asking this is , if a husband listens to his wife he is termed as hen-pecked whereas he is termed as a "obedient" son when he listens to his parents.

But I need family interaction, love and support from either side and not just from DW's side.
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Jay , I can understand your situation.It is not going to be a easy task to get the love and support form both sides.It requires effort from your wife and your mom too.You need to give the kind of security your wife requires.Make her understand that history will not repeat.And you are there for her since you both are one.

ars · Jul 12, 2010

Jay,
Remember you can only take a horse to water but not make it drink.
Like others have suggested you can talk to your wife calmly and express your concerns and feelings. But, you can't make her do anything.
It takes to two to tango right. So the relationship to continue both MIL and DIL have to make an effort. You say your mom is not the type who accepts her wrong or won't make calls to check up on grandkids. How can you expect your wife to be it all to maintain a cordial relationship. Your Mom seems to be spoiled. Finally your wife is the only one who is calling a spade a spade.
Coming to you disrespecting your IL's thats an absolute No No.:rant
If you are treating such good IL's with disrespect In my opinion your wife can treat her cheating, unconcerned, badmouthing, greedy MIL anyway she wants to until she is ready to forgive the MIL.

Foundlove · Jul 12, 2010

Dear Jay,

Here are your issues

You acknowledge that your mom was wrong but wife does not trust you .

You want things to be normal and evrything under the carpet but wife is not agreeing.

You cannot respect your in laws although you think highly of them that makes wife angry ( you may not know but she might be really pissed at this).

My suggestions

Don't try too hard to make things correct.

As you are in US now...keep relationships as they are. Once you go to India when child is born you can call your relatives to visit in hospital. Don't force DW to be nice to them. She can pretend to sleep.

When your first child has her birthday do invite your side of ppl but don't force DW to be nice other than a simple hi hello which I am sure she can do.

Start being nice to her parents and she will feel guilty and will be cordial with your relatives.

DON"T force her parents to be nice to your parents.

Remember you have a family ( your wife and 2 kids). everyone else is extended family. She can keep ties with her relatives and you with yours. Each can be cordial with the other but do not Expect Gushing Love.

Hope this helps.
FL

mapleleaf · Jul 12, 2010

IMO this is not the right time to mend relations between DW and your mom, let this rest for sometime, there will come a time and place when it will be more appropriate for you to expect them to mingle. Being pregnant and giving birth to top a recent relocation is stressful enough, i do not think you can expect DW to be more forthcoming with your suggestions to mingle at this time. Let her have the baby in peace, she is in a safe and loving environment, let her be as she is, no use bringing stress into your lifes now.
After your 2nd baby is born request your mom to make the first move to congratulate DW and send her wishes, that would be a perfect time for a fresh start your DW will be more receptive.Good luck.

madeinengland · Jul 13, 2010

<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CAmisha%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><style>  </style> Dear Jay,

I have been reading these boards for a while but this is the first time I’ve felt compelled to reply. These are my suggestions (sorry it’s so long!)

I know you didn’t ask for advice on this, but I think you should resume a good relationship with your wife’s parents. They have done nothing wrong to you and it is not right to punish them for problems in your relationship with your wife. Furthermore, it won’t make your wife any more likely to speak to your family. In fact she will think, “Why should I make any effort with his family when he doesn’t bother with mine?” As Mahatma Gandhi said, “An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind.” If you make an effort with her family, she will be more likely to make an effort with yours (at least with your cousins/aunts/uncles if not with your mother.)

I would not call your family to the hospital. Childbirth is an extremely stressful and painful process which goes on for hours. After all of that, I would be in no mood to deal with other people. Can you imagine having a terrible busy, long, hard day at work while in physical pain and then having to be nice and cordial with lots of people at the end of it? I’m sure you wouldn’t even have the energy or inclination to speak to your wife or daughter, let alone other people.

A few hours after the birth you can call and inform everyone that you have had a baby boy/girl. Let them know when you will be returning home with the baby and ask them to come and see you whenever they are able to at home. Try and be as firm as possible with this. If need be, tell them that it was a difficult delivery and the doctors have recommended rest for mother & baby while at hospital. In the worst case scenario if they insist on coming to the hospital, I would take the baby out to meet the visitors very briefly rather than having lots of people disturbing your wife in the hospital room/ward. If the baby starts to cry, that can be your cue to end the visit (“baby needs to be fed”).

Regarding the situation with your wife and mother, explain to your wife that it is important to you that your mother gets to see her new grandchild. Tell her that you understand that this is a very difficult thing for her but you would really really appreciate if she can do this one thing for you. Reassure your wife that you will be present at all times and will not let your mother act badly towards her or speak badly of her to the children. You must ensure that you are home to keep the peace when your mother visits. If you are not there when they meet, you will get complaints and drama from both your wife and your mother later on and risk making the situation worse. If your wife doesn’t want to meet your mother but is happy for the children to see her, you can suggest that maybe she goes to a friend or relative’s house for a few hours or just takes some rest in the bedroom while your mother is visiting. When your wife agrees to a visit (even if she has argued about it first), thank her for being so nice and understanding, give her a hug and tell her that you really appreciate it. Positive reinforcement is important! The more she feels appreciated for doing something, the more she will want to do it!

Make it clear to your mother on the phone that when she comes to your house she must not insult, criticize or degrade your wife in any way and that you have asked your wife to be be respectful to her too. Explain to her that you want to have a good relationship with both of them and that you cannot do this unless there is a big effort on both sides. Tell her that your wife has agreed to try for the children’s sake. If your mother starts to complain about your wife, tell her that you don’t want to hear any complaints, you just want her to get along with your wife for the sake of the children, end of story. It might be a good idea to have your wife silently listening while you are explaining this to your mother on the phone so she feels confident in you and trusts that you will not be going back to your old ways just because you are in contact with your mother.

Regarding your daughter’s birthday, I think it is perfectly reasonable to invite your relatives as well as hers. Ask everyone to be cordial. The party is not about your wife or your mother, it’s about your daughter! If there are so many other people there, then two people who don’t like each other don’t even have to talk. Maybe you could hold the party at a neutral location such as a restaurant/hall so that it isn’t too much stress for your wife who will either be pregnant or dealing with a newborn.

I think it’s too much to expect from your wife to be able to freely mingle and make close bonds with all of your relatives at the moment. Rather than starting with these big group outings, how about starting in small groups. For example, you could invite just your brother and his wife for dinner once or twice a month so they get to know your wife without your mother’s interference. Or maybe if you have a cousin with young children, you could organise to hang out with them sometimes or take a fun trip so that the children can play together and the adults can share stories about life with kids. This will enable your wife to get to know your family without feeling threatened or outnumbered. As she becomes friends with these people, she will gradually become more willing to go out in bigger groups when her “friends” are going even though she may not know or like everyone there. Try to introduce her first to the women/couples that you think she will get along with or have common interests with.

I hope some of this helps! Wishing your wife & baby the best of health and I hope you find some peace of mind soon!

NandiniGG · Jul 13, 2010

I am agree with maple leaf.This is not the right time to fix all the issues.She is pregnant which is already stressful to the women to some extent that too in a new place.
Don't discuss anything about the past right now...Love and time are the best healers..Keep her very happy during the pregnancy as this is good for her health and hence for the baby.Those should be your priority at this time not your extended family not even you to yourself because she needs you at this time and this is the golden chance to show her your love and win her heart back.
From a women point of view i can say if you are loving to her women generally notice everything and may be very forgiving.It will melt her heart if not much but to some extent.At this time they are physically and emotionally weak because of changes happening in the body and hormonal changes so they need support and a good peaceful environment.
If you keep on discussing this with her...she will keep on rewinding the same bad chapters in her memory again and again and keep on thinking how to be nice to them and how to forgive them when she is not ready yet...It will give her stress.
You must have heard that pregnant women go into depression which can be both pre partum and post partum and they have high mood swings because of hormonal changes and this can happen without any reason too.Actually because of this you can not really trust on her moods and mental condition right now because to some extent its not in her hand right now.Hormones play a very major role more than you can think of.
Also,In this situation when she need support if your mom shows any concern then she will definitely consider it(she is a women afterall) but if your mom doesn't want to come forward and leave the past behind i don't think she can do much about it.If your mom is not realizing her mistakes then there are good chances she will hurt her all over again and please don't do this to her not at least at this time.
Grand children and DIl safety and happiness during pregnancy are your parents responsibilty too(even though relationship with DIL are not very nice under normal circumstances ) not just your wife responsibility to be extra nice and performing her duties as a DIL especially when they are not showing any concern that too after hurting her so much.

If you still want to call your relatives and parents talk to her calmly and tell her what you want.if i were at her place and my husband had told me what he wants and with what intentions i would have done it for him.She also loves you thats why you guys are still together.isn't it?

asuitablegirl · Jul 13, 2010

Perhaps the idea of two big meetings with your family is making her freak. Ask her if she would be ok with them coming to the hospital, but not to a later party. Or, whether she would be ok with a party, but not with the hospital visit.

Personally, if I were in the hospital and had just had a baby, I would only want people around me that I liked. She'll probably be tired, emotional, and fiercly protective of the new baby at the hospital... so a hospital visit immediately after she has given birth doesn't sound like a good idea to me. I know relatives might expect to pop on over and that it is customary for your wife to agree, but keep in mind, your mom didn't follow the customary rules of being civil with family (i.e. her dil). And when one person messes up the custom of being decent, others are likely to follow. Unless you try FoundLove's technique and just let your wife pretend to sleep through the entire visit, everyone swarming her at the hospital sounds like a bad idea.

But I do think in society there is a certain need to 'suck it up' and put on a show in extreme circumstances like birth, marriage, and death. If I were you, I would forget the hospital idea and focus instead on getting your wife to agree to a family get together when she and the baby are back at home. There's nothing embarassing about it.... just tell friends/relatives that you and her can't wait to share the baby, but the hospital thing would be stressful, so you'd like it if they could join the whole family for a 'welcome home baby' party (or something like that) on such and such date at 'our house'. That way everyone can see your first child, your second child, and your wife... after they are well rested and feeling happy at home.

Compromise. If you can't have two meetings, have one. Hopefully she can agree to that.

Foundlove · Jul 13, 2010

Hmmm actually ASG I thought the hospital visit would be easier because

People don't stay for more than 15 -20 mins at the hospital.

Doctors/nurses don't let you do anything to the mom or baby or talk louder.

Call ppl only next day of delivery.

In the evening time ( visiting hours) you want to have some company and want to share your bundle of joy.( its not fun to lie down all day and night... thats how I felt).

At home you have to make house/yourself presentable. Serve them something or at least ask them for it.

they have more time /freedom to give advice and also to pass comments.

FL

DrKadambari · Jul 13, 2010

Jay, My DH would be in the same situation as yours in few months probably.

You showed hell to your DW You did all the damage and one find day you had a Gnanodhay, but as per DW its that you are just restraining yourself / just holding on all those anger or behaviour of yours but you would definetly explode / get back to your previous self. With your mom around thats more likely to happen as per DW and you would forget that you are her DH too. So she would not want to take any chance as the harm you have made till now really pains.

Your mom having done all the damage..until your mom is guilty of what all she did and speaks abt that to your DW expecting DW to just forget everything and just wipe and go as if nothing went worng is not acceptable.

Just becase your inlaws are not speaking to your parents as DW does not want them to speak you are not beaving properly with your ILs even now... so isint that enough for your wife to come to a judgement that you would become your previous self ! ! ! !

The only reason she has put up with you is because you are her DH that does not mean she has to putup with your mom.