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how to convince dh reg pil's visit to USA..

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by kijo, May 6, 2011.

  1. kijo

    kijo New IL'ite

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    hi ilites!!
    hope all of u are doing well.. well i am back after a long abscence..asusual my life's the same.. same old issues,same old thoughts of mine.. sometimes i feel i am sinking too deep into negativity&depression .i don't know..

    My inlaws are planning to come to US to visit us.... this would be their second time visiting us in 2 yrs..to be frank i don't want them to come.. may be i am being cruel.. or may me i don't know why but i don't want them to come.. atleast not now..

    they came along with me before last year just after my wedding.. imagine my situation.adjusting with new person,new family and new place and country..it was really really tough.it took quite a lot of time for me to come out of all the misery and depression. at one point i thought of killing myself or leaving dh. i kept quiet for all the things they said and did.. reasons..

    1) i was some how afraid of them which i feel was foolish n regret it now..
    2) my parents n few close relatives told me to keep quiet n just be patient for everything they said and did to avoid any conflicts ..trust me they influenced me so much.. which i regret now..

    now they are coming again.i am still adjusting here n preparing for my medical exams..infact i am on the verge of giving my exams..so it's kind of disturbance to me..also i have some issues to be resolved with them which i can get solved when i go to india.(i haven't been to india since 2yrs..) I am missing my parents alot..if my in laws come to us it would be tough..

    also my MIL is coming with the agenda to brian wash me to plan for a baby.. she has been pestering me since my first night.(she first advised her ds not to use any contraception.later she started pushing me like anything.)everytime i talk to her she jst has only 2 things to task,talk about.. when are u giving ur exam,when are u planning for a baby?? i told her i'll do it once i am done with my exams.. so she is just waiting for my exmas to get over..i cannot tell her directly that i need some time to adjust with her son n his family..

    imagine my situation now.. i am already tired of listening to all that stuff on fone once/twice in a week.. if they come here i have to hear it everyday,every moment.. OMG . i can't bear tht. i already have so many tensions.. my exmas,my sisters' wedding issues.. etc etc.. now i cant take more.. i am 28 and my husband is 30.. i know it's kinda getting late.. but i need some time... i haven't yet settled in my career.. i want to take care of my parents.. i want all issues resolved before my pregnacy coz.. i want to have a happy and peaceful atleast contented pregnacy..with all these thoughts going on in my brain i cannot handle all the pressures at same time..

    i don't understand that y don't they understand our situation. people laughed at us when they heard that my inlaws are come with me to us after my wedding.i mean i din't get to spend some personal time till almost 9 months after our wedding.for 1 month i was in india,next they came with me,after that my husband was working at a different place...now again it's like people are asking why are your inlaws coming again. it's kinda of becaming a hilarious thing to them.. to laugh at my new family,especially inlaws.... i am not liking that...

    also it's becoming so expensive.. we have to pay my exam fees which is quite expensive , visa,H1 extension fees... etc etc.. anyhow we have to go to india in dec for visa stamping..we have to spend then.. again for shopping and other stuff.. the tickets are also soo expensive.. dh is planning for vacation to various places during their visit.again for shopping during their visit..hummm.. i feel there's too much to spend...i may be sounding little stingy,cruel.. may be i don't know but i am concerned..

    dh is like one person who won't spend sinlge penny for him,saves all the money n sends to india... with my husband's money they(his parents and elder brother's family) are living lavishly..dh bought new home,new electronics etc etc in india but they are enjoying all those..he sends money,gifts everytime..that's still ok.. but how should I convince him/them now??

    my parents wanted to come to help me during my exams..it was just a thought.when pils came to know abt it ,they started the plan that they wanted to come..now dh cannot say no..dh was still ok with my parents visit..(before anything moved forward i myslef stopped my parents.. keeping in veiw of the taunts,nagging of mil and also the expenses..)..

    this thing is eating my brain since many days.. dh is so involved in his job& also get worried abt my exam,visa and stamping issues.. i don't want to disturb him more.. nor i want them to come..i am soo confused.. actually it's kinda of frightening to think of their visit to our place.. mil is very bossy,controlling and nagging..v v v v v orthodox..

    with great effort i am gaining some peace in my life..i don't want to ruin it..i am already facing the exam fright.. i don't have more patience,strength to face anything more..How should i convince dh?? is it ok if I talk a bit directly or do i need to b very subtle??

    i am writng here so that i can vent out....and also i can get some suggestions..
     
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  2. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    kijo...Your points are very valid . Do not have a baby just because ur MIL thinks its the right time to do so. Have one only when u both feel its the right time .
    I personally also do not prefer emotional stress right before a major exam. And in ur case since PIL = emotional stress I think it would be a good idea to postpone their visit till ur exams are over. But to know how to handle this I would need to know how dynamics are between u and ur DH . Is he a reasonable guy? In other words would he listen to ur opinion and try see ur view point ?
     
  3. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

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    Kijo,

    I am so sorry to hear your problems. I have seen lots of my friends visit their children as soon as they get married. I asked them why? They told me that they want to teach the girl how to run the household.In my opinion, they should give newly married time to settle down.

    Don't have baby because hey told you so. This is your life. Finish your exams first. Since they are coming anyway, be patient. How long are they going to stay? My be your DH asked them to help you. Try to talk to them.

    When you get very tense, just close your eyes for few minutes. Don't loose sleep. This is your house and they are visiting you. So be strong and proud of yourself. If you make them understand your situation, i am sure they will try.

    Good luck.
    CL
     
  4. kijo

    kijo New IL'ite

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    thank you JAG for ur kind words.i am totally confused reg the pregnancy thing.MIL is pushing me so much that i am afraid i might get convinced and plan for a kid and later I'll be in a helpless situation..

    yeah mil visit = emotional stress.she is quite intruding,authoritative even with dh.dh is very very soft.he can never say no to anybody..(poor soul..)..he thinks atleast he can stop me coz i am younger than him hoping that i'll listen but he can't say no to his mom.actually dh din't even ask them to come.they,especially mil only started the issue..they have been wanting to come since last sept..dh kept on postponing the idea pushing the reason,blame on my exam which is quite apt..but now they are on my head.. our heads.. DH cannot and is not able to say no.

    i and dh are in good synch.i am little bit confident that he'll listen to me.. atleast give it a thought. but he is like any other "obedient son"..who can never say no to mom and also doesn't like to hear hard things abt parents..

    i am already on the process of discussing the topic indirectly.let's see..i have 2 months to convince him..hope everything goes well..
     
  5. vijikrish

    vijikrish Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Kijo,
    I think you are just over reacting with your situation, may be badly stressed due to exams. Take it easy! Stand in your PIL's shoes, you will know why they pester for grand kids. It is their duty to request you n your husband, who else they can go and ask for grand kids?

    Have you ever checked with your husband, how much your PIL's saved every $$$ or Rupee to get your husband to this level? Doesnt he have to show his love back, buy buying gifts or spending on them? Don't they deserver for what they got your husband to this level? Remember one day you will become MIL and if your son doesnt treat you better...how it will be..

    Iam not completely supporting your PIL, they have every right on your husband as much as you do, if they cross their boundaries, you should let them know and keep'm in their boundaries...

    Listen ma, I was in your situation exactly, I wish somebody had advised me better...

    Good luck on your exams :thumbsup
     
  6. mayachaudhuri

    mayachaudhuri Senior IL'ite

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    Hello
    Are you preparing for the MLEs? Is your husband also a doctor?
    If he is then he should also try to make his parents understand that the exams are very tough and you should now solely prepare for it.
    First finish off with your MLEs and then start family ...Because once kids come,it would be nearly impossible to read for your MLEs and you will regret it.I would like you to be happy and plan well.
    Hope everything turns out well.
    It is your life and you have the right to it.
     
  7. kijo

    kijo New IL'ite

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    Dear coffe lover..
    thank you so much for your moral support.it really means a lot to me.yeah i want to have baby when i wish to have.when i tried talking to dh reg kids he din't show much interest in talking abt it.but he told me to first finish exams.so i am ok there.. but when mil talks abt kids to him he won't say a single word...
    i am myself confused reg this issue.i mean is it ok if we have kids after 30??then dh will be 33.mil was like it will become late etc etc.. i agree but i don't want kids now.i am emotionally,mentally and physically not ready.i have few health problems also.

    yeah CL.. mil came to US along with me to teach me household things.when questioned directly they(even dh) won't agree/accept but that's the fact.i came to know thru other people in the family.it is ridiculous actually..i mean what's the point when she doesn't let me do anything.. & by mistake if i did it really is a big mistake. everytime i do something she used to point out at something or the other..

    hummm.. the thought of their visit itself is causing so much tension to me.. imagine when they are actually here..they are going to stay for 6 months.dh wants me to take break after my first exam so that i can spend time with them and go for vacations.what will They help me?? last time when they were here,... reg one issue .. i told mil that i don't like it that way..i want it the other way.she said this is my son's house,means my house.she took few kitchen utensils,bowls from a cutlery set etc....i told her i want all in one set,we'll buy one more for them.she shouted and started crying.dh ws not at home then. he was working at a different place.she again said the same "my house,my son's house. how dare you say no to me".now what will i say.i got very tensed and also felt very guilty.i later had to say sorry and beg her..no option left.this is the drama she creates when she is here..

    my exams are not that easy.i am a doctor and i need to put lot lot of effort to finish the exams..it took me so much time to adjust n focus on the 1st exam. i want to finish all the remaining exams in a flow.i don't want to take a break and again start fresh. I already wasted enough time.i am losing patience, time & confidence..

    even if I take a break i don't want Pils in that break time coz again i have to start from square 1.it will be same.Mil's nagging etc etc.after all that.. i have to go to india anyway.... for stamping so that's one more break.we are planning for my sister's wedding which is against my parent's wish.she has a BF.I have been trying to talk to them but they(parents) are not listening at all.i only have a hope/chance when i meet my parents face to face.. that's one more big tension going on in my life.

    it's been 2 yrs i am away from my parents.i am missing them like hell.i cannot spend one moment not thinking about them.especially now when lot of drama is going on in the house. I am worried about their health and also their mental status.they are feeling very depressed.i wished that if they could come here it would be a change of place so they can relax n give it a thought. but now PILS want to come.I cannot even tell them(PILS) the issues.

    i am trying to talk to dh indirectly.i can't tell directly.i don't know what will he think. previously when i told him few things about them he said that i am magnifying small issues,sometimes he'll just be quiet and won't say a word how much ever i try to fight and provoke him.sometimes he says..that's all past, forget it.

    i don't understand him especailly in this matter.he'll neither defend them nor agree with what happened and try to correct the situation..he'll stay quiet.later he is the same loving man with no after effects.. this attitude of him is quite confusing to me.i sometimes fear that he'll remember all these things and blow up one day..

    let's see what happens..I am praying to god that everything goes smoothly...
    I thank all ilites for your moral support.it gives me great releif.this is one place where i can be what i am and i can share all my problems,issues openly..love it..
     
  8. kijo

    kijo New IL'ite

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    dear vijikrish!!
    thank you for ur advice..i agree as you said.. that may be i am getting overstressed coz of exams..but i am not over reacting for sure.if i ignored my PILS efforts i would have never ever agreed for their previous visit.when my marriage was fixed, i hardly had any time to spend with dh.we had 3 months gap between eng and marriage.i was in INDIA and he was in USA.i am a doctor.coz of our jobs,time difference we hardly used to talk. he came 2 days before marriage and stayed for 1 week after marriage.where did i get time to spend & interact with him.MIL din't even let us go out for a lunch or dinner.when my relatives invited us for parties during that time she din't allow.yes this is true and the fact.we were at home only all the time spending with them.we got private time only during the night.

    after one month they came along with me to US.they stayed for 4 months.DH worked from home for sometime and later he had to work at a different place.they came to teach me household work.she was soo orthodox..she made me sit on the floor when they sat on chairs.i was not even allowed to stand in front of fil.i was not allowed to sit with dh infront of them.she used to tell me that it's wife's duty to fold the bedsheet after getting up from bed.i should never allow dh to do that.that's totally ridiculous.

    she used to barge in to our room without even knocking.she used to open my bags without my permission.she took away kitchen utensils, gifted foto frames etc from our house.when i said "we'll buy new ones coz i wanted them" she said "this is my son's house,my house..who are you to say no".this list is endless.i kept quiet.dh used to spend most of the time with them.i din't say a single word.i was treated like an outsider.if i wouldn't have thought about PILs i would have never agreed for their visit.forget about agreeing i was just informed like anybody else that they are coming with me.dh din't even ask me is it ok.if not for their respect,his affection i would have never kept quiet.they humiliated my parents.they made my prents fall on their feet coz they couldn't fulfil all their demands..i just kept quiet..i din't have the guys to speak back.

    now if talking in only money terms that how much did they spend.. i want to say something..i know it's wrong,rude to speak this way.. dh sends so much money to india even today..,it's way more more than what they spent on him.yes i know that.i might sound very calculative and rude..but that's the truth.what all i am saying is... it's not about money but now is not the right time for their visit. absolutely not rite.to be frank i don't like them visitng us but that's still ok if they visit.at one point i don't mind.. but now is really not the time. it's ok if they visit us later after i am done with all my exams and stuff..i am already burdened up with so many things and emotins i don't want more..

    reg grand kids... i understand their emotions. but i have to think about it.it won't be over if i just give birth to a baby and it's done.i being the mother have to take care of baby.whether they;ll help or not help is secondary.i am the prime person here.mil says she is getting bored so she wants grandkids to spend time...what should i say.she started this kid's thing since day one.. since my first night.

    don't i have any rights on my life,my marriage,my husband??my house??if you read my previous posts u'll know what i went through..

    i feel sorry for you.i can understand what you went through.it's no less for me.i feel sorry for myslef.had i had that much brain,guts to stand for myslef,had i had some good advice .. my life would have been different.

    may be i am being emotional but i am not over reacting..i had to face a lot.it took me so much time,energy,stress to come out of evrything and focus on my exams.now i don't want start afresh..
     
  9. kijo

    kijo New IL'ite

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    hi maya.. thanks for your nice words and support.it's nice that i have so many people on my side.... yes i am taking USMLE exams.no my husband is not a doctor.he doesn't know the stress of MLE.. tha't the problem.he knows that i have to wrok hard n i need to put lot of effort and time.. but it's less.he has been trying to convince them. but they should listen na..

    yeah i have decided that what ever it is i am not going to plan for kids before i finish my exams and settle down..thank you so much again for ur support..i am praying that everything turns out well..
     
  10. vijikrish

    vijikrish Gold IL'ite

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    Kijo,
    I understand your situation, take it easy! Concentrate on your exam, more important in your life...i know how tough it is...Glad to know you have loving husband, but most of loving husband will keep mum in front of their parents.
    Reg. kids, tell your PIL it is in hands of God and don't explain due exam and all...tell them when it happens, it happens, sometimes you have hide true reasons..your exams are more important. I remember having child in my hand and studying...nothing worked out! It is not easy!
    Cheer up and finish your exams. Talk to your husband and clearly say no to visitors inclu his parents. Good Luck. :thumbsup
     

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