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How to controll myself?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ashwiniashwini, Feb 23, 2010.

  1. ashwiniashwini

    ashwiniashwini New IL'ite

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    I am married for 6 years now and have been through all mil issues that anybody can. Mil is a very cunning and diplomatic person. She always has her own way as fil is totally under her influence. She never entertained anybody from fils side family not even his own mother ! All the relatives which are around us are from mils side. I luckily share very good relation with each of them and they too shower all affection and love on me. My bil got married recently and now we have a new memeber added to our family. I am lucky enough to spend good times with my husband as we stay here in US but had to face worse time too when mil visited us. I dont share very good relation with her. Now the problem is ,I want the other couple of family to be happy and we as elder members of family protect and guide them in family issues. Inlaws are living with the new couple now and I can sense mil is somehow having her way with them too. Bil is a mamas boy like his my husband.I always wish someone should have guided me through the worst time with my mil, I would have dealt with her more diplomatically and could have saved all the heartache caused to everybody. I tried to warn my sil against mil which I did with good intentions ...like expect pressure for the baby,asking to do things through bil, talk cunningly and have her own way etc. I adviced her never to be without a job and always be firm and never give up selfrespect.I overheard the discussion of mil and bil of not letting her workl after marriage which I didnt tell my sil. I shared my experiences with her and adviced her not to react like me. She too had her few stories to tell, overall I felt like I am saving her from all the pain. That was when we were together for few days after their marriage. Now after we are back in US somehow I feel like whatever I did it was wrong and should not have discussed the things with her. I felt like I should not have badmouthed mil and feeling terribly guilty. But then I think if that was my little sister, I would have done same thing and I am not asking her to disrespect mil or not to behave nice with her. I am just asking her to be firm and not to take any bad treatment quietly from any of them, which I am sure is waiting for her in the future. Tell me friends am I wrong or right? Should I stop being very friendly and act like a stranger.
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    ashwini,

    I think when new member enter into family, we need to be very careful about sharing some information on MIL’s. Typically most of the times what happens, that lady easily goes and tell to her new hubby and that hubby will pass things to mother.
    I know you wanted to do things with good intention but within family things will not work that way. So you need to first understand the maturity of your co-sister. Even if you tell something doe she manage by herself with out passing to her husband?
    So be quite and look the drama. Sometimes MIL's also learn their lessons with the elder DIL and they don't repeat same things to younger DIL or that women could easily handle these guys. Who knows what's going to happen. So just wait and watch.
    One thing you need to be careful, if your MIL knows that you both are getting closer, she even creates something and make both of you fight. It's thumb rule of divide and conquer.
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2010
  3. kinjal

    kinjal Bronze IL'ite

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    Ashwini,

    Forget about whatever you already told your BIL's wife. In future make sure you dont share much about MIL with her. Who knows both of them might gel well in future and SIL might think you tried to poison her mind.

    Your SIL is an adult and will be able to handle situations on her own. If she need any help she will ask your help.

    Just my thoughts.
     
  4. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    Ashwini,
    What you have done is absolutely right!!! Your intension behind it is very good because without proper guidence, definitely she would endup in troubles. May be little brainwashing is required on MIL's behavior. So that she dont find shocked if something happens.
     
  5. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    more or less i feel you shhould not have disclosed all these things to your co sis..you did that for her good which i understand but are you sure she wont reveal this to her dh or mil at later point of time..i always belived that people react to anything based on the situation,character ,other persons attitude etc..so the way she behaves with you may be different to way she could be with your co sis.so always i suggest no unasked suggestions to new people
     
  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Ashwini, its difficult to assess ladies & their expectations.
    What you did cant be reversed however now you need to be cautious in dealing with her, cos she can use your words to create hell for you.

    Finally she's going to bear the brunt & might get J of you (basic female character) that you're enjoying staying away from her... also during her frustration moments she might blurt out that even you felts same & said this n that.

    Its like workplace.. we all know that we are having a bad manager but teammates never badmouth mgr in front of others, cos one may use this opportunity to step over you to rise in the eyes of mgr.
     
  7. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    This is none of your business. This is between them. Why you are bothered about this?

    So what if she has her own way with your fil and your bil and co-sister? How it affects you or your life? Do you want no one including your fil to listen to your mil?

    Also just because you don't have good relationship with her what makes you think even new dil will also have bad relationship with her?


    Yes, you should not have bad-mouthed your mil to your co-sister. Your co-sister is not a child. She is an adult. She can easily handle her problems herself. You can only advise or give suggestion if she asked you. Your mil may not behave with her the way she behaved with you. She may even be very nice and good to her especially because she is staying with younger son and your husband is away in US. When in-laws have to depend on one son as they are getting old, they may treat that son and his wife better than son & dil who are not in India. But now your co-sister may be scared and distrustful of your mil even if the lady is good to her because you have already given her a very negative impression of your mil. This was wrong on your part to do. You may have actually made things worse for your bil's wife.

    One more thing is - in case your mil really treats your co-sister well and they get along then your co-sister will have very bad impression of you and think you were trying to poison her mind against a nice person (to her). She may tell your mil and bil about what you said. In the future please don't do such things. Your sister is different than your co-sister so treat her as such. In future, unless you are explicitly asked for your opinion or suggestion, please keep quiet and don't poke your nose into other people's affairs.
     
  8. ashwiniashwini

    ashwiniashwini New IL'ite

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    Thank you Priya16,Kinjal,Priya mommy, lavii,Shilpa ma and Anuradha00.
    As you said Priya 16, I was very careful initially and even after the marriage. But some things happened which I will explain later in this post which made me say those things. I must accept the fact that in the emotional weakness I said things which I should not have.
    Anuradha00, she always has her own way with everybody specially with me. I dont care what mil and fil do to each other but fil creates a scene as soon as he is provoked by mil. Mil keeps quiet and fil without even knowing any detail start yelling and shouting. They have not spared my parents and his own relatives too. Since he has some health problems everybody keeps quiet but it causes stress to others including me. Most of the time I had to suffer a lot and literally was under treatment for depression due to their behaviour.
    I was pestered by my sil and her mother even before marriage to tell them how are the other people in the family. I always told them its my family and everybody is nice and I cant give the information they want. They even asked my parents that mil's nature is little weird, will it cause any problem in future! I never talked against anybody before the marriage. After marriage the night before we were leaving to US, sil shared some instances and expressed her fear for the new family. I realized I was in the same situation when I got married...and I so wish somebody had advised me. And being a emotional freak I really wanted this poor girl to be happy as she is the only child without father, if something happens she has no one but lonely mother. I told her to ignore mils tantrums and concentrate on her career and her own life with her husband. She even expressed her fear for her husband being a mamas boy and how will that affect her ! I told her to behave diplomatically and win husbands trust. In that conversation she shared her experiences and I shared mine with mil, how she treated me not in the details but yes, I let her know my true feelings towards her,as there was somebody from the same family who believe what I was saying.
    Now as you said Anuradaha00, she really is treating her well, like making her tea, breakfast, dinner. Which I never got when I delivered my baby and was unable to move due to complications. she treats her very well and her mother too. Though I have seen mil making fun of her mother and passing comments on sil too.Coming to the point ,may be she really changed or as you say she is deliberately being nice to sil. If that is the case then the whole advice thing will be a boomrang!
    I know her and her dramas. She can not be affectionate to anyone except her own self and her elder son,who happens to be my husband. I will post my experiences with her sometime later. Coming back to the topic I understand I was wrong in warning sil and telling the facts of mil. I will be more careful next time. Thanks everybody.
     
  9. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Your BIL's wife is an adult and I think she can handle her life and situations very well on her own. You should just concentrate on your life.
     
  10. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Ashwini, if a new employee joins a team and one team member comes and says all bad experiences of company and manager, even though its true, the employee would become negative, or brainwashed and not able to concentrate, a person joins with expectations

    you had your exp with MIL , your intention were right, but you have corrupted her mind that she will feel everytime somethign small happened, that they are bad, and imagine this if one day in frustration she says, that you warned her and that this was coming and all , the entire blame will come over to you and your life will become more miserable, when your husband comes to know he will charge you for the problems

    Unless she solicitied advice and even if she had , you could have been diplomatic with her, you were not diplomatic with your MIL nor with this SIL. I guess you need to do some introspection.
     

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