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How To Choose The Right Partner?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Lightsource, May 29, 2020.

  1. Lightsource

    Lightsource Senior IL'ite

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    Hi all, Indusladies is one platform that provides solace to the distressed one’s, clarity to the confused one’s and strength and support to the needy. I am a woman in early thirtees, divorced a year and half ago after a short span of marriage, on realizing that I was wedded to a gay. After a roller coaster ride of emotions of fear, anxiety, devastation, denial and finally, acceptance of reality over a period of time, with the support of kith and kin, I have stood up to look for a partner for myself. Professionally, I am well off and at the moment, pursuing higher education and that keeps me busy and healthy. The thought of having already been through this process of match finding and the miserable failure following it, has crushed my confidence in choosing the right one.

    I would like to tell about a prospective match that has come my way and have been speaking to him last four months. We live in different parts of India and have met twice. Owing to the covid pandemic, we couldn’t catch up face to face, but have been in touch all this while.

    He’s also in his early thirties, working in the IT industry in a metro city, living with his mom, who’s is physically challenged due to a condition since birth, but can still manage to carry on her activities by herself. His dad is no more and he’s the only child. Financially, they own a few houses, which they manage by renting out. His mom is into stock market, being at home she makes / loses some money. That’s been their life all these years. He’s also a divorcee following a short marriage. He says that he broke the ties because of constant bickering and nagging especially on finances from his wife and father in law and the trigger was when he had to deal with physical violence on him, for which he had to get a MLC certificate to protect himself.

    During the conversations, I get a feel that he’s being genuine and has been truly hurt because of the past experience and is yearning to get a lifelong companion and a family for himself. I would say, we have become good friends over these months, that we could talk everything frankly. We have spoken at lengths about my professional career and even talked about the opportunities in his place and he seem to be interested in it and I feel he would be supportive at it. About his career, he’s a person who would want to earn to head a moderate lifestyle and he considers himself not very keen on materialistic life. He claims that he’s not a person who’s aiming big and would prefer to have a decent work – life balance.

    We have already spoken about finances. I know, for a fact, he earns quite well. He says that he doesn’t have any savings in his account. Whatever he earns, he spends for monthly groceries, utility bills, EMI for a plot he has bought and gives the rest to his mom, who invests it in stock market. Whatever she earns / loses, she puts in her account and the rent of all her houses, goes to her. And he also claims, she has saved quite a lot of money on her account. On one of our conversations, he said that he wanted to buy a furniture for his mom, which costed around 20,000 rupees, but planning to buy after he gets the next month salary, as he’s out of money right now. This hit me. I was confused as to why he didn’t use the money that she has saved?? This is my point of concern. Before you come to any conclusion, I would like to emphasize that, I am not a spendthrift, I spend only if it’s required. But fortunately, I have been blessed to be raised in a family, which has bought me whatever I wanted. To be precise, I never had to wait for the next month to get something I wanted.

    Now, I am confused as to whether my thoughts on finances is apt in this scenario. Or am I over thinking? Will this become a problem in the future? I am willing to take it and change myself if the majority believes my thought process is wrong. I am just confused and that’s why I am writing this.

    Another point of concern is his communication style. He talks very well on phone but not much on texts. We don’t even exchange good morning texts or any kind of texts during the day mostly. I have tried bringing up this issue, for which he says he doesn’t feel emotionally connected through messages and he’s just not a message person and that he yearns for this one to one connect over phone. After I have spoken about this a number of times, he also became emotional and felt sorry for making me sad and became worried on how would the future be if he doesn’t understand my desires and continues to disappoint me. When I send texts, he replies most of the times, but sometimes doesn’t, for which he says that he was busy with work / personal commitments. Sometimes, this makes me feel if I am the last person on his mind. I agree we aren’t committed yet and we talk just as good friends. Am I expecting too much here or is it just how men are or should I also not be too much available on texts?

    I understand that this is quite lengthy and may be a long read. I request you all to go through this and give your valuable inputs. It would help me to take a wise decision and lead a happy life, which I have been yearning for. I have already posted in singles forum, I decided to post here again for more responses from the married folk. Thanks for reading.
     
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  2. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    His ex-wife raising financial issues is a major red flag here. You are right, it DOES feel weird that he is not allowed to use his own money. This will DEFINITELY be a point of contention in the future . It does look like he is happy to let his mom control his finances and this is a major indicator of a momma's boy. The dynamics will definitely affect your equation with him.
    Its easy for me to say "talk frankly to him", but try to ask those questions in your mind in a tactical way . Dont let any doubts linger in your mind.
    The text issue doesnt seem to be a big botheration to me - some people really ARE not text people. Give him that leeway . But I would definitely not let the finance being controlled by mom go without being addressed, because it would affect your future too . When you have kids, when you want to do vacations on your own etc.
     
    drdiva, ImHuman and nakshatra1 like this.
  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Can you tell him in a tactical way that you dont like anyone to control your finances and your salary will be in your account. You dont have any problem in contributing to monthly expenses. All your properties will be in your name. You can create some stories of any friends to site as a reason like their PILs asked salary and she denied it.

    As he is the only son, there is a great chance that he is Moma's boy. So she will be part of your life every day. Is it possible to contact or learn about his divorce from his ex wifes side.

    Also tell him, what you want in this marriage. You will never quit your job, dont give salary to him or stop taking care of your parents, you need your space etc.. if he dont agree with that its better not to proceed.

    As its second marriage, its very important to do a background check. You guys are living in different parts of India, so it's tough to know the truth. I hope your parents can help with that.
    If he didn't have issues in talking or meeting you,dont worry about texts
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2020
  4. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    There are two red flags here, I.e a widowed and physically challenged mother living along with her only son , dependant on son..and controlling his finances.
    The fact that he cannot affords to buy a 20000 Rs furniture without waiting. FOr next months salary and handing over entire salary to mother etc would make anyone quite uncomfortable..
    Regarding call and text , some people talk well over phone, some prefer texting...
    Many people are not so much into typing long texts and would prefer to have telephonic chats..that’s not much of an issue.
    Can you get in touch with the ex wife and find out what happened before her divorce...
    There maybe a few things which u don’t know...
    Finances can cause problems , but such a major issue which lead to divorce? U need to know both side of story before making a decision...
     
  5. Lightsource

    Lightsource Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks @winterhue for the response. According to him, the major reason for breakup was disinterest in marriage from the girl's side. He feels that she was keen on money rather than having a relationship with him. She used to go away to her parent's place often and would not return back for days together. When requested to get back, she would stay for a few days, but the same cycle repeated. On asking if she had had any other affair, he says that he's not sure, he didn't think about it then and he's still not aware what exactly was the reason for her behavior. He says that she had gotten married in one month after their divorce and has also gotten pregnant in that marriage. He got to know about this from a common friend it seems. I don't have any evidence for this, it is just what he has told me. I don't think its easy for me to find about her also.

    About the finances, I will definitely make things clear. Just thinking on how to go about it.
     
  6. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Finest Post Winner

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    @Lightsource
    There is something off with the guy. Its a feeling that I am getting after reading. I am not able to point it out. But I feel there is a big chunk of missing detail that the guys haven't informed you.

    I may not be very coherently making points- but here it goes

    First- the son lives with his mom and first marriage didn't work due to finances, his first wife got married in a month and had a child. He didn't know of an affair nor did he suspect it.

    If the marriage broke down due to finances( wife alcoholic father), how did the wife move on so quickly? (I know this is none of yours or our business. But this is second marriage the common denominator is the guy. You do have to question everything.)

    It makes me wonder if the guy is telling you the whole truth or he may have not been truly aware of it ( if he wasn't aware, why? was he too busy working? busy with friends or why didn't he notice changes with his wife?

    What did his first wife mean to him? Was the marriage forced?

    Second- his description gives me a feeling that he is a type of guy where he is I earn, my wife/ mom- feeds/ handles everything else. (This could be like take zero responsibility for even little things). This attitude could be a blessing or a curse.

    Third- So according to him- once you live with him- his salary will be not give to his mother for investment. Is his mother on the same page as well? Will you be allowed to have a separate account until you think its time to merge the accounts?

    Fourth- What was his mother's role in his previous marriage?

    Fifth- you brought an issue (regarding texting) he tried to accommodate your needs, or he said he will. But you still seem to not be satisfied with the results. Do you think he actually tried to accommodate your needs?
    or
    Could he be seeing other women? Could he be with friends? For some people friends are everything.

    I may be wrong about the guy, but I know for sure- he is not saying everything. A half-truth is still a lie.
     
    joylokhi likes this.
  7. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:In the case of living parents with siblings of proposed partner read spouse, the lady or girl should spend a fortnight or two with boy’s family and at the same time boy in similar manner mingle with girl’s family members .
    • The idea is to discover the compatibility, ability to cope with and hobnobbing tendencies and study other positives and negatives in terms of behaviour, attitude, generous nature and psyche etc.

    2. Then a session with parents with her or his parents house for a fortnight or two.

    3. It would at the end of this exercise would enable boy and girl to assess decide about choosing or ignoring the alliance.

    4. I believe this exercise is sort of “ probationary period” in organisations. Both parties mutually decide continue with this arrangement and convert this to a legal wedding later!

    5. What is apparent externally visible would be deceptive as the saying goes appearances are deceptive.

    Wish OP all the best.
    Thanks and Regards.
    God Bless.
     
  8. ImHuman

    ImHuman Bronze IL'ite

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    This is why I think his first wife would nag him which could have made their relationship go wrong. Some sons are made for their mothers. I somehow get a feel his mother is his top priority. He might be overly devoted to his mother. He is the only son, no father .. he might be feeling that he should keep his mother happy at all costs.

    He might be genuine and honest. But in my opinion above is something that can become a problem if you want to marry him. He is willing to let go of his first wife.. He did not try to change himself. He did not change his priorities. Honestly I would not want my husband to be like this. Anyways you can set your expectations on this reality. What has hit you now will continue to hit you in your future relationship with him. He may not change his thinking so easily.
     
  9. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    what you described does seem a bit odd, but not unusual.. Does he atleast know how much is in the mother’s account? Does he consider that a joint account? if this scenario doesn’t bother you much, then its ok, after all he is the only son and all that the family earns and saves is his in the end, as long as he has the liberty to use it when he needs..Probe a little bit more, say that you were a bit puzzled by how the finances work, how things would change when married, will you be able to take some responsibility?
    I feel that he may be interested in you enough to make a change if need be, and Mire so given that ge would want his second marriage to work.. Its nice to see you have developed a good friendship, which helps to talk about the difficult aspects.. spend more time talking and clearing things up, before you make a decision
     
  10. Dreamer

    Dreamer Silver IL'ite

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    If he's asking for money even before having met you in person then it is a red flag. Do not give in to this. Also, I am sorry to hear about your previous marriage but I'm really curious to know how things went only if you are willing to share. Good luck with your search!
     

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