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How to Bridge Cultural Gaps when mingling with in-laws

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by zipzipzoomzoom, May 7, 2013.

  1. zipzipzoomzoom

    zipzipzoomzoom Gold IL'ite

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    Ok, so the good news is, I was never attached to my parents (although I highly respect my dad), nor my relatives, so I have all the time for my in-laws.

    Ok, the bad news is, I was never attached to my parents (although I highly respect my dad), nor my relatives, so I am nervous about mingling of my in-laws.

    But the good news is, Hubby understands this.

    Hubby and his family is in India, while I am in USA. Hubby will be here soon, and probably he will try to bring his family along --- it is totally understandable.

    When I met his mom, she was very sweet, and gave me a hug. You can tell by looking at her she is a sweet lady, she has a positive aura.

    She doesn't know English, while I know few words of the language.



    Because my Hubby kind request, I am gonna slowly talk to his mom, just give her a call in the next week or so, and greet her, and study few lines of the language.


    Can you give me some pointers....


    I mean, I know that I'm a daughter-in-law, and they are elders, and they are due respect. And respect is give and take.


    Are there other, general cultural things I should know, and be aware of.

    Life is too short to be scared. Plus, Hubby is kindly asking, and he is very patient and reasonable, and a true gem of a Human Being.



    Thanks!!!
     
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  2. Decentguy

    Decentguy New IL'ite

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    Judging by your story, I think your's is an arranged marriage ( Correct me if I am wrong). You are born ( or brought) up in the USA and your husband is in India. You have sponsored his GC. I hope everything works out for you and your married life.

    Now coming back to your question, this is what I would do if I were you:-

    1. Try to learn more about the language. Since the MIL does not know much english, she would be more comfortable speaking her mother tongue. So I would want to be fluent in her mother tongue so that I can talk to her peoperly.
    2. Try to find out about MIL, FIL, how religious they are, their eating habits, their way of living. Since they are from India, I don't know how much they know about western culture and the way of living in the USA. So when you talk to them, maybe you can make them aware before hand how things happen iin usa and the way of life in USA ( if they plan to move here)
    3. I don't know if you are the same caste as your inlaws. So you can find about festivals what they observe, any fasts etc. Try to talk to MIL and find out more. The more you find out, the more you can act as a good DIL.

    I will think of more pointers, but I am sure our female members here would know more.
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    His family is coming along with him, or he is coming first and they might come later? If he is coming after you guys staying apart for so long, and dealing with so many issues like gifts, hairstyle suggestions etc, it is better he comes alone first.

    We will wait for these positive aura, sweet lady and respect is give-take bubbles to pop when they pop.

    Keep the conversations with MIL simple. Try to have them in your husband's hearing. When MIL-DIL speak same language, misunderstandings happen, here you speak different languages. To start off, find a website or book that teaches their language, learn a few simple words/phrases, and practice them. Tell MIL you'd like her to correct your pronunciation and if she can teach you some new words. Steer clear of the things you can do when she is here. Time enough for that.
     
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  4. zipzipzoomzoom

    zipzipzoomzoom Gold IL'ite

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    Yes, this was arranged-turn-love marriage. We are same caste, yet our family barely celebrated Diwali, let alone the many festivals in India. And I'm still in the process of getting Hubby here.


    Yes, he is coming alone. He always bought up the idea that once I get pregnant he will try to get his mom here so she can help. This is in very early stages though ...


    C'mon lets be more optimistic here :) Ok, I understand where you are coming from. Compared to other ladies I have seen and interacted with (In India, in USA, all ages), she seems to be ok.

    Oh Gosh, that is so true.

    Even Hubby's English isn't polished (yet), and I think that causes few misunderstandings that have to be ironed out!

    That's a great idea!


    Gotta trust in God to make our home and family loving and harmonious.

    There is one lady who visits IL who MIL and FIL live with her and her family, and they help take good care of the children, and other household things while she is at work. Of course, we gotta appreciate one another.
     
  5. Anitap

    Anitap IL Hall of Fame

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    Sometimes information (that does not concern them) if given out too soon, will be used against us. :)
    Might not happen in every case though.

    Best wishes for a happy marriage :thumbsup
     
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  6. zipzipzoomzoom

    zipzipzoomzoom Gold IL'ite

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    Yeah, that's true. My dad was always concerned about what my future hubby and his family would think about our family situation. But then after marriage hubby asked me and I just told him.

    When speaking with hubby, I try to avoid talking about people, especially if it is negative.

    But then again, I remind myself of what Steve Jobs once said

    So, I might follow my heart and be honest and frank .... if someone wanted to use something against me, they would try to find one thing or another. Only thing that is in their way is God Almighty. (and I've seen this happen! )

    It's the greatest wealth anyone can have!
     
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  7. Anitap

    Anitap IL Hall of Fame

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    Like that positive attitude :thumbsup.
     
  8. Radhai

    Radhai Platinum IL'ite

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    positivity is good as long as it is not confused with 'being in denial' :)
     
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  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear ZZZ,
    First get your DH to US ,you can ask him what his family likes and dislikes.
    Also learn the language somehow or there will be lots of problems later when MIL and family will visit you. Its terrible not understanding what people are saying around you.
    Obviously people tend to talk in their own language in a group , one can feel excluded, miss out on banter etc and may feel left out.

    Please do not put down your parents in your hurry to praise your PILs and win brownie points.
    One can balance both set of families without being biased.
    Is your DH letting out family problems, all families have some which one learns about in due course of time.

    There are typical customs which have to be followed by a good DIL, you will get many pointers if you let us know the region.
    PS -Its good to see an eager DIL trying to please her PILs !:)
     
  10. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    hi Z4,
    I think I am replying 1st time to your post.....you really are a very sweet girl who see everything good in other people and I think that is the right attitude............if your intentions are good you will get goodness in return.

    I think the best way will be to greet her in her language(like Namaste) ,ask about her health & that of other member of her family........as she is aware that you don't speak her language she will not expect much conversation ........just keep your tone warm & speak whatever you say with smile on your face,except when expressing concern about her ill health.
    all the best to you......
     

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