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How To Be Safe When H Breaking The Lockdown Rules.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by AmulB, Apr 5, 2020.

  1. hino

    hino Silver IL'ite

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    In Some cities, deaths are more due to non availability of alcohol than covid-19. i think some places are considering alcohol is essential and going to do home delivery from this week.

    we need to find right solution than de addiction at this point of time. He was addicted (as per OP) long back and get rid of this now is difficult ..
     
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  2. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:Bangkok Capitol of Thailand banned liquor sales and bars in view ofcovid.
    Regards.
    God Bless.
     
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  3. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello,
    If you live in US then going out is not violating the lockdown rules. We are allowed to go for walks. And to pick up food and medicine. If he is going to a drive through for his coffee that is not a violation. You may not like it or be nervous about it but he is not endangering you.
    I have 3 adults at home now and my observation is that if not used to staying home all the time they get restless and twitchy when home for extended period. My h goes for long drive sometimes just to get out. My sons take their friends calls walking in my yard for privacy, it’s okay. It’s how they are coping.
    Now I didn’t understand exactly what you meant by dowry harassment so not going there. But... it’s a fact that market falling down like this is not good for any of us. Media is full of death count and keeping public anxious they might get it. But few people I know are saying ‘well we will observe the prescribed precautions and will come out of that’ ‘but after this is over then what?’ They worry that there is an even greater blow awaiting us once this pandemic ends because of market cratering and our savings evaporating. Even rupee value has gone down against dollar. This is a fact. Unforeseen but a fact. And as you know in US less or no financial security is a death knell.

    So yeah what your husband is saying and doing is not that much out of character. A lot of people I know are worried about same things.

    Hope this helps give you some perspective and reassurance.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 17, 2020
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  4. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    @ashneys thanks to u. I really like the ideas u have given. That he needs to get locked if he chooses to drink. And not see me or kids... and if he keeps going out I shall get him locked out to teach him a lesson. But this will be too harsh treatment, it might go very bad and he can get more against me. When he’s not drunk he gives an impression he understands and he will not do it again and sometimes he looses. When drunk says everything opposite that he doesn’t care what I want or feel. This is alcoholism.. he’s deceased.. have to cure him some how. I met him as a complete different person. I get saddened how our relationship turned to. I wish he changes himself for better. To be with us build our family..
    Locking him out during Covid can create more tension to others and us. So I will keep this in mind for future. And ya I am working on the problem. Have to firstly get independent.. he even says if he’s bad to me and I choose to leave I can do so. And he will cooperate until I get a job and settle. And says though he doesn’t want it that way, he cannot force me into the relationship. He chooses to say all this but cannot stop his drinking. He said he will try maximum to control it for the family after lengthy discussions.. he still doesn’t want to let go of it totally. Let’s see
    I am hearing this for long time. Have to see..
    but gathering proofs of bills etc is difficult as he buys as he needs and discards the bills and he’s a smart shopper of liquor. And about pictures ya everyday it’s the same bottles same scene. I should consider recording his verbal abuse after drinking. What about the language if he uses mother tongue would they still consider as proofs. As we speak in our language at home. English is rare.
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    I have no suggestions but a few questions about your actions that you can reflect upon. When pondering on them, do not jump to making resolutions that you will avoid these in the future. Rather, look into why you did these things in spite of knowing the result won't be productive.

    What was the aim of questioning him 'why he didn't watch.' Think hard, think deep. You know he won't say sorry. You know he won't give an acceptable reason for not watching. You know it will escalate into an argument and possibly violence. Yet you asked a fruitless question. Why? What was the reason on this particular occasion? To make a point? You were exhausted and the question burst out from you? You have a habit of asking questions that bring answers not useful to anyone?

    Calling 911 is for situations when your body or life is in immediate danger. Your sentence is honest and from the heart. You dialed 911 in anger. Why? What was the aim? Think about it. To make a point? To inflict some damage or insult on him in a way that it sticks? It is infuriating that no response or reaction from you gets to him? You want him to suffer a little bit like you are suffering so much everyday?

    Why? From your previous threads and posts, it is obvious that they don't see any wrong in him and in fact effectively encourage him to drink or misbehave. So, at a calm time, sit and think. Why call up his parents and tell them? What would be the immediate gain or any long-term benefit? Is anyone keeping track of your H's misdeeds? Will they say 'manage now somehow, later we will talk to him about it?' No. So, try to answer yourself honestly why you call them up and narrate your H's bad behavior and choices.

    This point is a little different. When you have some time and are feeling a little less frustrated and hopeless, try to objectively analyze your general language. In conversations, due to anger and frustration that your words have no impact on him, do you feel pushed to use incendiary speech? Words, phrases and comments designed to attack specific areas of his ego? The above quoted sentence is an example of what doesn't help in any conversation, negotiation or discussion. It is OK to vent here with that, but it is not prudent to use it in personal conversations. "Like an illiterate", "like Muslim gang" are best avoided. There is the temporary satisfaction of delivering a strong adjective and comparison, but its long term damage makes it not worth the satisfaction. Such words from you immediately lessen the attention you receive.

    Your H has a drinking problem. That seems fairly obvious. You don't have a job yet. Your best hope is this Coronavirus thingie passes, life gets back to a new normal, you get back on the job-prep and job-hunt path, find a job. That needs a living situation that is bearable. I hope considering the above points which help you find ways to make your problems into things you can live with till it is necessary to do so.
     
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  6. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    @Rihana yes I agree I should’ve asked such way to watch since he always takes it litely when kids fall get hurt. I want his pair of eyes also to watch when I’m not attentive. Inspite of me telling he still take easy on kids as he would be drunk and lost in his world. The before day itself my baby fell on tea poy and got hurt in his teeth and was bleeding and I was crying and was feeling so bad we can’t even take kids to doctors at this bad situation out there. And that incident also he took it litely saying it’s ok small bruise , kids fall and get hurt not a big deal. I kept ice and his mouth was all swollen and baby was crying for very long time in pain. Though the swelling cleared up next day and was doing fine. That next day again he fell off sofa. And immediately I reacted that way. In tensed mode that he would take easy anyway and what if something major happens and he would still be sitting like that.
    And about the statement on Muslim gang that came to the context to show the intention about him. Not in a bad context towards them or trying to hurt anyone. We were together listening to news that’s happening in India and all the forwards daily and the same words my H repeatedly used on me saying he will get Covid home. He knew I’m paranoid and worried about the whole situation and avoiding him from stepping out. Then used same thing against me to make me panic. I’m sorry to have put it that way... i might’ve put it out wrongly in stress that way but no intention to point any religion — I will surely avoid such statements.
    And yes I should’ve avoided calling 911 or his parents. Actually he was doing that to me when ever I have anything to say. Everytime we have any arguments he will threaten to call 911 or my parents this has been the pattern. And this time I did both from my end in that rush.
     
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  7. NOW

    NOW Bronze IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear all the troubles you are going through. I was wondering how I would deal with this situation if I am in your place. First off stop talking to husband and give him silent treatment. Especially when he is sober and not involve him in anything at all. Basically live like a single parent under same roof. It will be hard work but may be is necessary to clear the mind and avoid fights. Cook basic food, take care of kids, try to not worry and prepare mentally for what may ever come in future. It is hard but just a basic outline to try and keep sanity. Stay safe!!
     
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  8. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Locking him out - I meant out of the room, not out of the house. Yes it sounds harsh. Alcoholics, esp the ones that has no interest in getting help to fix their problem needs harsh treatments, otherwise nothing will change. If their life doesn’t get impacted n it all seems to be fine for them, why will they bother to change? Why should they when they are still in control ? Why would they when they can handle it all with ease? They are not the ones that are suffering.

    It’s a simple thing, just like he has two faces, one normal and one under influence, you also behave well while he’s normal and a kids saviour when he’s drunk. If he asks you, talk to him the same way he does, normal vs drunk versions. Learn to separate the situation, be clear that you are not being firm with your husband but only with the drunkard. Be normal when he normal. Become a mama bear when he’s drunk. Let him understand that with his own tantrums, your reaction changes. He will atleast reduce the drama if he sees the “continuous” resistance from you.

    This room lockdown for yourself n kids are to protect your kids. If don’t to, tell your husband to be a silent drunkard. Many are, you don’t even hear a squeak from them. Tell him to be quite and peaceful in one spot and not bother you or the kids.

    The point of it is to not let your kids witness his drunken drama on a daily basis, no matter how young and naive we think kids are, they are very smart and understand things. Growing in a home like this, they will grow to be an alcoholic or will hate the site of it or become the abuser or the victim because for them this is normal as that’s their life and it has a greater impact in their life than you can imagine.

    About his dialogues to stop drinking, he won’t as he’s an addict. He needs to go to a rehab or join AA or get some treatment. Alcoholics of these many years, it’s not possible for them to quit for anything or anyone without appropriate help. Your tough task here is to make him go for one.

    Ya gather video proof in whatever language possible. And any proof that can help you, no matter how small or big. Collect a lot.
     
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  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello AmulB,

    You are really stuck in a bad situation. No 2 ways about it. In fact daily news reports are coming out that DV calls and complaint have soared in this time of Corona. You only have to take the decision and all we are doing is suggesting from far...
    With that said, I would say this time of corona is unprecedented, like no other. Na bhuto, na bhavishyati... all the old ways of interacting, all the old paradigms expectations, ways of behavior are now suspended.

    You can think of it like a world war has been suddenly declared and you are trapped in a trench with another soldier, whom you dont like or get along with. Escape is impossible. You cant get out of the trench because enemy bullets will kill you. You cant retreat because your own govt will shoot you. Your only option is to continue in the trench with this other soldier. This is the situation. Your objective is to somehow survive and come out unscathed with your kids when the war is over. Survival and not getting enemy bullet is your objective.

    Now think what to do in this situation. What should you do, must do? Automatically it will become clear to you. Dont pick fights. Dont escalate matters unnecessarily. Whatever it takes to keep the peace and continue for another day, just do it because your goal is not to win the argument but to SURVIVE this.

    What, in your opinion, is the way to reduce the stressful quarrels? Do that. If totally ignoring him works, do it. If silent treatment works, then do that. If moving to different part of house and living there exclusively works then do that. I was talking to a relative recently who has toddler and lot of friction with her hubby. Lot of unnecessary pointless arguing about food, what to cook, what she cooked blah blah. Now She totally avoids him. He stays awake till late either working on calls or watching movies. He uses their guest room as temporary office and doesnt come out. She gets up, makes some food, feeds kid and plays etc. When she hears hubby is awake she takes baby for long walk or drive. They spend outside in yard or walking on road. Like this 1-2 hours. By the time he makes tea, eats the food, watches some tv and goes back to his office. Then she comes back. So she basically avoids him completely. Now he even texts her 'going back to office' when done. When she has to go buy food she texts him, knocks his door and leaves baby with him. No unnecessary talk. She says this is least stress time as no conversation. so no quarrel. He tried picking a fight about the food. She told him you go buy the item I will cook it. He messed around with Prime, Instacart, pickup, this that for few days, fumed and fretted then he shut up. Above is just an example but you understand my drift?
    For you making sure baby is okay and doesnt fall is higher priority than any other work. If watching baby means you cook less often then cook less often. or whatever other work is impacted, let that go. Dont expect anything from him because he has made it clear he is not dependable. Make sure baby is okay because if something happens to baby, then you will never come out of the guilt. Just remember all this is for short time, till this time of Corona is over, then you can think about what to do about your situation after that.
     
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  10. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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