How To Be Emotionally Strong? How To Improve Eq?

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by wish4miracle, Jun 1, 2021.

  1. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    I am in my mid 30s and have a toddler. I am blessed with food, clothes, shelter, education, job, child.There is not much issues in the things mentioned.

    But there is a huge void in me when it comes to emotional support. I dont have anyone whom I can say if I need emotional support I can talk to this person. I dont have any such person in my life. I am totally deprived of my mom s love for years now. Dad is pretty much lives in his own world where in he comes to reality only when he sees a huge impact in our lives momentarily and goes back again. I dont have a supportive sibling, i receive more complaints, jealous and competitions than love and support. My H is the only one who cares for me a little but not too much. I dont have friends in contact. My contact list is pretty much family members. In laws - completely hates me. I still face names calling, judgements, criticism, competitions, accusations and so so from almost everyone.

    I know i am not a perfect person, I do mistakes and did mistakes. I am ready to change so that I receive similar love and support others get in my family. But whatever I change things in me, I receive the same treatment. Feels like people are fed up with me.

    Nobody cares if I cry. Nobody knows if I eat. Nobody asks did I sleep. But when it comes to household work or any kind of chores, they easily find me.
    Nobody cares whether I am in periods or affected with infection or slept late due to health issues. All they need is to know that their chores done or not.

    I thought its nothing wrong in expecting little compassion from everyone around me especially when I make things work in their everyday life. But the answer was NO.

    Now the question is how to overcome this. Is there anyway I can make myself feel better. Sometimes I listen to songs, I go to better mood but that's temporary. Again I fall back to same state like feeling low. How to be emotionally strong.

    I want to be like, here take this, this is done, I dont expect u to return anything in terms of acknowledgement or appreciation. I want to go one step ahead and handle that criticism and lack of emotional support. I want to support myself and be strong for my child, how to do that and how to keep doing that?
     
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  2. lalithasharma9

    lalithasharma9 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello OP,

    As you mentioned in your first line of this post, you are blessed with every thing which many people are deprived off.
    Think of a pandemic now and the struggle people are facing, you will definitely feel you are blessed.

    Now coming to solution for your problem, there is actually no problem to give the solution, yes you read it right.

    First and foremost thing I would like to advice you is , keep all this things aside and discover your self/ your likes/dislikes

    Dont think "What others think about you? they like you or not", think what you like about you, It is all about "You" not others

    try to do yoga/meditation/pranayama daily, writing journal that will help you to discover yourself.

    Keep expectations from others zero , this includes your immediate family like husband, children, parents and inlaws, do what ever you can do for them which is priority , but dont expect any thing in return from them include a praise, empathy/compassion.

    Empathy and compassion should come naturally, dont expect others to empathize you. Instead you do it yourself, Every thing is about you.

    Daily spend some time with yourself, this will help a lot. Once you do journey with in yourself, you find all the things happening naturally and you dont feel at all.

    Do what ever you can and dont expect is mantra of life.
     
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  3. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    Wow..
    I felt like you were describing my life!

    I exactly know what you feel. I am a super woman with super energy as described by people around me. They know that I am totaly independent, I am not the one to tolerate ****, I can do anything for my family but never at the cost of my self-respect.

    If anything goes wrong, I am the saviour. If anyone falls sick - I am their biggest support. They know , I am always therr for them.
    ("They" here refer to My parents and sibling)

    They do care for me as in - occasional calls/msgs of "how are you" and if anything bothering them, I am the first they call. However, when I need their emotional support...i received none despite being open and vocal about it.
    When there is any dispute or argument with them, they say they dont need me. Whatever i did for them is nothing. When they are in any crisis...they want me to drop everything in my life n save them.


    My husband does care ...but cant do much to make me feel better than a few repetitive words of "dont cry" , "stop overthinking" , "everything will be fine" and then goes about living his life.
    Those words do nothing for me so I all together stopped expressing to my husband.

    I then sat with my thoughts and analysed it deeply. I felt that some people are lucky who get pampered and treated like princesses and queens while some unlucky people like me even if I sacrifice my life for these people whom I call my family, might just cry a tear or two for few days and go about their routin in life journey.

    Once I realised this, I stopped expecting from anyone including parents or husband or sibling. If they show care n concern, its fine. If not, its fine too.
    I live for myself and do wht i want to do. Yes i still care for them and still bear a lot of pain to keep them happy...but I ensure i am making myself happy first.
    I jotted down things that make me happy -

    1) when I cook for myself my fave dish
    2) when i keep my home clean and organized
    3) when i am able to help my parents n sibling in their need.
    4) when i am able to work and be independent.
    5) when i can travel around for leisure(now a distant dream thanks to covid!)
    6) when I see my husband makin effort to cook n pack my lunch box when i wakeup late occasionally
    Etc...

    So i feel these little things are only what I have been given...hence I should be okay amd make peace with it.
     
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  4. NOW

    NOW Silver IL'ite

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    This post struck a chord with me as I always perceived myself as that person/woman who had to adjust, not expect too much, live practically according to parents, in-laws and husband's attitude or to the best in situation without complaining or becoming bitter.

    On the other hand other women around me in family and friends circle getting treated better by their family of origin or husband or in-laws !! Alas I swallowed the bitter pill for many years and became victim of my own negative thinking and got side railed.. second delivery and post partum depression made things worse too. The demands of job & career, 2 kids, my depleted body after second child and hormones added fuel to the fire...

    BUT .. then I slowly regained my physical, mental and spiritual strength and realized few things..

    1. Those people who receive unconditional love and support are also suffering from some other insecurities or issues and their life is not perfect too as I perceive. Everybody has a different kind of struggle.

    2. In fact I am more confident to handle any curve ball life throws at me being independent in all aspects and may be more than those whom I used to think have it all.

    3. I do not bend backwards to please anyone or make any sacrifices but just focus on my duties towards my immediate family and then extended family(to the extent possible only).

    4. Self care through proper diet, exercise, sleep , stress reduction, meditation and having a good circle of friends is as important as my job to me. I help and listen to my close friends and they in turn are there for me and we keep it healthy and not become over bearing or toxic.

    5. I only talk the general and mundane things with family and extended family and keep that zone separate from friends whom I reach out sometimes for emotional support.

    6. I vigorously journal and revisit my traumatic memories and every time I come a step closer to acceptance of that situation/person and healing. This also helps to not dig into the past with friends and over burden them.

    In the end I feel it is not what kind of experiences or life you have had but rather it is about what can you learn from those experiences and become better version of yourself.
     
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  5. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

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    @wish4miracle firstly you are not the only one in this situation, so chill !!

    Yes you can be emotionally strong it is very much possible but it will take time and your intellectual investment. Yes, it is not rocket science.

    When I refer you here...it means everyone in general and not specifically you. I'm gathering these points from my own and from people around me . We women, strive to always be the perfect person for everyone around us and get disappointed if we dont meet those goals. When something goes wrong we need a person/incident to charge that blame/mishap on. I stopped this being a superwoman when I realized this fact.
    Coming to finding someone who can be emotional bolster, trust me you are good without one. You can be in charge of your own emotions and not any other person in this entire universe or any alien worlds or UFOs. Finding an emotional support can totally backfire like it happened to me. I have a very good friend and a close family friend whom I used to think as these rocks of support. Once I needed help to get thru a situation and I called and cried. Friend listened and after some few repeated calls said shes unable to understand what my problem is and as she has overcome such situations in her own life long time ago. My relative also started getting judgmental about me and said to be the opposite (strong)when I was actually not in a situation to get better or needed help. Both of them said being weak will not help and used the term 'depression' loosely and try to associate me with that. After this, I never ever tried to find that support outside but I became strong within. My opinion is when we hit rock bottom (analyze how deep your situation is) the only way is to bounce back. I always tell this to myself and trust me, if I can come out it, then anyone can ! Good luck!!
     
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  6. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks lalithasharma, I am blessed in many ways and I am grateful for it. I am saying this because I realise and remind myself now and then about it.
    I get it when u say dont expect anything from others. But my perception was with outside world not with my immediate family.
    Like everyone, I was so attached to my family, I did everything pretty much what they said, I dint have a voice for myself, not saying no to others in the family, even though I had likes, dislikes in what they say.
    They wont let me express what I feel, and when I did, it fell into deaf ears.

    I was criticised right from a tiny thing to life changing things in my life. The important note here is things i refer here are all pertaining to my life.I let people take my life decisions.
    I once took major decision for my life and the outcome was not so good, but the impact was nothing when I compare to the criticism for my failure I face till now from my own family. Its endless.

    Now I understood that the mistake is mine. I should have patted myself for all good things, should have showcased what I am no matter what they, should have expressed what I felt. When i think, i feel like i did, but it was not enough.

    Now when i do, i am constantly criticised and even emotionally blackmailed. But it's okay. As u said, everything is about me.

    I wrote a similar post last year, took some spine and did really good things and got a job this year after a long break. Since I am back in the same environment, I am going back to my weakness and the original post was my outcome of it.
    I will try my best.
     
  7. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    Ahh this is exactly what is happening in my life, I am sorry that we need to go through but I feel little positive that I am not alone in this feeling.
    Thanks for this post.

    To be frank, till last year I was having zero respect in my family. There was a huge meltdown from my end, ended up bursting out and stormed out of my family home and was away for a year or so.

    I felt alone, sad leaving my family members but I was happy because I had self respect in my own home with my husband and kid. My toddler loves me and my husband appreciates me. Then, my family realised that I was pressurised however they

    But now because of second wave of covid and my moms detoriating health, I invited myself into this state. The thought that I am here for my mom is the only reason right now for me to keep myself here. I am trying hard to support her but within my limits even though I am constantly criticised for being conscious of what I do and did.
     
  8. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    Love this post, am gonna try to stick with what u have said here.

    1. Yes I also see people are going different kind of struggle even though they receive unconditional support or love. But they ensure that I dont get any even a tiny bit of consolation from anyone. This happens in my own family and they lie straight on my face when I confront and they have their backs for their web of lies. I dont know how to handle this part and I keep asking why me? I keep thinking like how do they find energy, strength to go this extent and hurt others when u yourself going through a difficult time. Why not live and let live. I am losing my sanity here.

    2. That's true. I learnt lot of good things, cooking, taking care of baby right from my delivery, my job related studies and even got a job after a long gap. I started to find my way back until I find myself now doing things for my family but continuously criticised for each and everything thing I do. For example, I learnt cooking myself and I am good at it now. Now my family wants to use me by making me cook according to my ailing mother, which I try my real best to cover the base for all, but they want more and more and more. They keep increasing the bar, ignoring my health, job, my toddler preferences. And if I dont do, i am criticised with indirect references and ensure it even by starting a irrelevant topic with me. I am emotionally and physically stuck here, not able to handle bit not able to leave.

    3. I have started limiting myself not to go beyond my limits. This is new to me and to them as well. So sometimes emotional dramas gets cut loose.

    4. I am trying to get back on self care here. Starting slow but will definitely do. And also need to focus on my toddler as well.

    5. I dont have a single friend to turn to. Sad but truth. Alternatively I am looking forward to my new job to have a diversion. And also trying to contact few of my best friends here.

    6. I use to journal my traumas before my marriage and I hope I can start it again. As u said it will let me outpour my feelings into notes instead of torturing my h with my emotional breakdowns. And also in IL

    I think to find my inner peace and be happy with myself, I have to move out of my current situation and be at my own home. But situation doesnt allow me and I dont want to run away from my responsibility of looking after my mother. So my conclusion would be, this is one situation where I get to learn this way of life by staying in it instead of running away from it.
    I will learn only when I expose to this. I will make use of it.

    Thank u so much for this post, I get to introspect myself and change my perspective.
     
  9. lavani

    lavani Finest Post Winner

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    i do know anything about your background , all i can do is share my experience.

    ** your point - no one cares .

    yes, they do not care because you are filling up the boring tasks of life - chores, cleaning. which is not fun does not looking super cool. so you have been taken for granted. Sorry . this needs to be fixed. everyone has to do some help to reduce your tasks. if you are sick they have to do. this is hard change of view but needs to happen gradually.

    it is very easy to say -- Be happy and do what you want. But how will you do things you want if you do not get time to do. I can say take gym, yoga some class. but you need people to support to take care of house and kids during that absence . that is where your environment needs to be corrected.


    ** not expecting in return.
    this is not accurate. sorry. we expect things , no matter how much we deny. We expect. we expect things from our children, be respectful ,loving and follow good principles.

    but you are the best judge of it. if you need personal time with spouse, ask for it, plan it if you have to , this is not selfish. but you must know your love language , needs like (me time) for hobbies.

    people will appreciate when they realize how hard your task is. if they criticize you, have them do the same task without any assistance and with a smile.

    ** friends and relatives
    irony, how wise is hindu religious principles, 1000s of years back we have concluded everything is Maya . friends and relatives bond for their own personal reasons. but that said, follow some activities outside home, even Art of living. soon you will find like minded folks who share the same passion. but again you need to be allowed to have time to do.
     
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  10. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    I dont know whether I have hit rock bottom because everytime I am into this situation, I feel like this is it and then new level of difficulty arises within a time frame.
    But what you said had happened to me, sharing personal emotions to friends (before mrge ) has backfired me. I am left with one option, that's me taking care of myself.

    I am in my mid 30s and life is teaching me hard lessons. And I see few who are way younger to me can handle similar situations (not with their own family but inlaws) so easily.

    Its high time I need to learn these things. I am trying and will keep trying..
    I think I need to start with self respect. Need to learn to respect myself and appreciate myself no matter what others say. I give too much importance to what others think and looking forward for them to appreciate me instead of doing it myself.. I will definitely give it a try, will keep trying till I do it.
     

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