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How To Be Around Parents Who Are Negative And Suck Your Energy?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by hridhaya, Sep 28, 2017.

  1. sai023

    sai023 New IL'ite

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    I am happy that someone has touched this topic. I used to feel guilty that I was the only one to think this way..People criticising this post should understand not all human beings are alike..not all good and not all bad..there are lots of shades of grey..So not everyone is lucky to have a loving parent(s)..

    I have read arguments that parents sacrifice their life for kids..so children should be thankful..But I feel as a parent it's one's duty to bring up kids..Even we do that..and our grandparents too would have done that. Some parents may not be bad all the time but problem arises when they don't change with the changing world. My grandfather was a very strict man..HE expected all his sons to give their salaries to him..and NOT to question him on anything..Sadly my father expects the same from my brothers..That is not possible in today's world..One can't question him..or give our view points..He would go mad..and say we have no respect for him.

    My mother is a cancer survivor. She is otherwise a very strong willed and a nice woman..But she doesn't get along with dad..They are always arguing..and when I or my brothers visit them..we are dragged into the argument. My mom never liked my father's side people..Even today, after 50yrs of marriage..she would narrate all stories of what her SIL said to her when she was a new bride. We keep reminding her that it's over 50 yrs and she should forget and move on..But she won't..and will not let us or my dad forget..Now we have no touch with my father's side of relatives..My aunts & uncles really loved us kids..but we can't talk to them because my mother doesn't like them..

    I feel like telling my mom that it's her negativity that she has so many health issues..But dont want to hurt her.. whenever I talk to her..after a few minutes of niceties the topic changes to "Look what your dad told me yesterday' or your aunt was such a rude and heartless woman" blah blah.. After my brothers marriage she had started criticising my SILs..but I told my mom that if she wanted her sons to be with her she should keep her opinions about her DILs to herself..and not open her mouth..After a few years she understood..but God knows when she will be kind to my dad..

    And as someone pointed out parents compare cousins and kids of friends who are not even 25% of what we are..Oh God..its so true..my mom's friends never tell her about the arguments they have with their kids..but exaggerate all the niceties about their sons and daughters..Same with a few of my cousins..But my parents would constantly complain to others about me and my brothers..I was really fed up..I used to tell my mom that no kid can be so nice..After a few years we came to know about the reality of these people..But it had already taken a toll of her relationship with me and my brothers..

    So yes I can understand what Hridhaya is undergoing..!! My parents are otherwise nice people..but they have this other side/face..which is not visible to our friends..only we know..
     
    hridhaya and sindmani like this.
  2. sai023

    sai023 New IL'ite

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  3. sai023

    sai023 New IL'ite

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    Awesome tips..I need to read these again & again
     
  4. sai023

    sai023 New IL'ite

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  5. sai023

    sai023 New IL'ite

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    Totally agree
     
  6. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    Op some anti anxiety or mild anti depressant for your mom might make your journey slightly easy. Please do give it a thought. You are handling all this very boldly. But i believe you also need some healing for yourself. Out of all unpleasing childhood memories are the hardest to handle. May the force be with you.
     
    kishoremommy, sindmani and hridhaya like this.
  7. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    Hi people,

    I need one piece of advice related to the matter that I originally posted in this thread.

    Outsiders or friends who have been around me (and my family) since my childhood know something or the other about the chaos and abnormality in my family. Sometimes I have voluntarily disclosed things to others even if they don't know personally.

    I feel I am kind of in a weaker spot compared to them as they are aware of my problems. I am unable to shake off the awkward feeling when these people see me together with my mom. I am feeling more and more aloof from my mother so it is easy for me to open up about her to others and don't feel any shame for talking behind her back. But the same me, after sometime, feels embarrassed about my situation and also angry at myself for voluntarily disclosure.

    How can I address this? It seems to be a cycle.
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2017
  8. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Your guilt from talking about your mother to outsiders is very natural. I understand it must have happened during a moment of frustration in dealing with her. Going forward refrain from talking negative about her voluntarily . Talking negative about her repeatedly will make you detest her more than you already do. I doubt you can disconnect from her totally and will be partly or completely in charge of her care when she can no longer take care of herself. Make peace with the fact that she is the way she is and there is nothing you can do to change her. You don’t want to end up being a negative and bitter person yourself . Henceforth when friends or acquaintances ask about your situation don’t give them too much information. The only people that you can discuss your parents issues without any guilt would be your siblings . But there again it’s no point discussing her negativity since that has already been established. So make sure the discussions are constructive and focused on making life easier for everyone involved. Take care !


     
    sindmani and hridhaya like this.
  9. preethiitech

    preethiitech Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I thought I had typed this for a moment.! we feel guilty at the end. OP, try to read for narcisstic children and how to not feel guilty. On good days, I acknowledge and move on. On bad days, I just feel why me?! Yes, and I cant share it with anyone. its the secret!

    I am not offering any help here. just to say, its possible for us to grow up. but that's not exactly easy. lots of tears on the way.
     
    hridhaya likes this.
  10. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    @preethiitech ,
    It's a challenge we have to overcome. I bumped into this video recently and this question caught my eye. Please listen to what the host has to say.

    Question begins at 2:48 in the video.

     

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