How To Be Around Parents Who Are Negative And Suck Your Energy?

Feel sorry for ur sil.let peace be with u all. Don't worry. I am sure u can help ur mom come out of sadness by following great advices provided here.

 

Op to add u r a good sis in law and a good person too .

 

Hugs to you OP

A few years back to be precise, I was in similar state of mind with my very negative/depressed and controlling mother, who is a widow and living with me as a dependent.
She was/is a great mom otherwise. But her widowhood, old age and general negativity in life has made her this bad.
More so, my life was not going extra smooth then. I had problems with in laws, problems with H, and problems at work place.
So, her dramas were fueling to the fire.

She stayed with me on the pretext to help me with the kids. In fact, she could have moved out once the help was over.
But both of us liked each others presence and felt comfortable in this set up. So, she became a permanent resident at my place.
However, she often expects that I should be thankful for her stay, and feel blessed to have her around.
She would never let me take this normal, due to her insecurities - which I found later on.
So, whenever I take her stay normal and consider her as another family member, she would stage a drama by demanding extra respect. That too she would compete with my H and complain that I am focusing more on him.
Then she would bring back all my probs with H (since she knew them), and indirectly force me to distance from my H and in laws, so that my fullest attention would be on her.

I stood firm and never ever allowed my marriage life to get torn due to her problems.

Then she would hurt my self esteem, knowing that I am someone who loves appreciation and respect.
She would compare me to my SIL or some cousins who does not even 25% of what I would do in my life.
She would praise them lot and claim as though they are treated well, they are lucky, they enjoy and my life is super failure.
She would criticize everything about me, including my own kids and H.

She would stand a strong barrier between me and my in laws. Whenever I try to let go of their mistakes and patch up with them after a point, my mom would show a long face, stage a drama or criticize me as though I am nothing.

Believe me, it all were so hard to handle. Like you, I too was in constant fear about being judged, guilt, criticism and what not.
It affected my relationship with H, and even my career.

I felt, there will never be a freedom from this pain in my life. I was even jealous of my siblings who are free from taking care of mom.

But thank God, my life has changed. Because I changed it.

Once and for all, I stopped reacting to her mood swing.
Each time when she created a drama, I asked her to take her medicine and rest.
I ignored her dramas completely, yet taken good care of her otherwise.
NO matter what, I went on to have a great relationship with my H< and in laws.
No matter what, I would live my life as per my control yet made her comfortable otherwise.
Eg: She would stage a drama and be moody if I plan a movie date with my H at night. She would crib that she can't take care of the kids during our absence.
So, I would leave kids at in laws' place and go ahead with the plan. I would also take her to movie with kids or sometimes with my sister/cousins. So, she can't complain.

I consistently did the same for a year or so.
I didn't care whether she complains this with my siblings, relatives or not. I did what suits my life, as I know that I only have one life, and that I only have a few more years to live this youth life.

So, eventually she learned to respect what she is blessed with. She knew that she can't control my life beyond a limit.
Even today, she complains or criticizes, but I nib it at the bud, and she gets it. So, nothing affects me.
She has largely improved since the past few years. So, is our bond.

She is a nice woman. But her widowhood, and insecurities at this old age became the reason behind her negativity.
Empathize with your mom. She must have a sound reason behind her negativity. Perhaps some medical reasons.
Do everything possible to make her life happy, comfortable and respectful. Address her problems.
But if she makes you crazy beyond this point, then don't respond.
Be yourself. Be in charge of your life.
Don't let your mother's mood swing affect yourself. Don't enter into reasoning or argument with her. Ignore and move on with your plan.
More importantly, don't switch the guilt mode after a fight with her.
Be consistent, and eventually your mom will change.

 

Feeling really sorry for your Sil. Your mom's behavior as a mother in law seems a lot worse. After all that am glad that your Sil has survived n us standing up for herself. As a Sil, you be there to support her at all times.

About the pardons, in reality it's actually done more for us than for them. Sometimes it is important for us to let go of the pain for us to start living.

Regarding you done with trying or being nice to your mother, can't fault you in reaching that mindset after all the hell you have gone through because of her.

The only thing i would like to insist on is that don't let her ruin or control your life any further. Her negativity should not pass on to you. You should stop yourself from becoming her. You are in control of your mind n life. Don't stop or pause your life for all this negativity. Continue your life, build a strong n a busy social life. Go out with your spouse often.

No one can understand your situation better than your brother n Sil. You three can support each other n be there for each other.

 

@SunPa very +motivating soothing to the author of the thread. Superb feedback. thanks and regards.

 

No so weird. My neighbor who works in the top most financial company . She is very pretty. Has a healthy body. However the dark side. After i see her enter home, she is always yelling at kids , husband. When her mother was there, she was yelling at her mom . So many times her mom left the house in bitter cold. I noticed her Dh going and getting her back .

I am tamil and i could understand some from a distance, she keeps finding some mistakes in everyone. I do not know much details. But i have never seen her husband yelling, infact i saw him crying in the car when i went for a walk . Most of the time i see him leaving to work with the son and coming back with kid after day care.

It affected me deeply. I researched this behavior. It sounded similar to NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. You mother personality matches. trust me dear. Nothing will ever satisfy them. You will be left with nothing in positive in your heart if you keep satisfying their criticism.

You cannot change your mom. Just do what is right. take care and keep your boundaries.

 

That is not a weird post. It is quite normal and widespread throughout the world. The OP has got what we'd call the jewish-mother or the-catholic-mother -- constantly blaming everyone/everything for her situation.
Contrary to what you think, the OP wants and likes her mom. That is why there is the suffering. If she didn't, she'd have kicked her out, i.e., bought her a one-way by the fastest express, to the ancestral home-town long ago.

Why don't you send off your parents, and let everyone cool down. Only when the sink to all her whining is absent, she'd come to appreciate the boon.