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How to be a gud husband to wife

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by deva280579, Feb 5, 2010.

  1. deva280579

    deva280579 Senior IL'ite

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    First of all i would like to honestly tell my character previously i had and how i changed now, dont think i am expressing abt myself in a possitive way or something.

    Initial stages of married life for me went well, but after that a suddent piece of arguements started from my side to her like having nosepin, eating fruits (which she dont like at all), same for vegetables, movies.

    One stage it really grown up like anything and she complained abt me to her father and her father called me and scolded in front of her sisters and mother in law. i really got angry how can a person be like this. my character is like when somebody shows angry to me,i will leave them and i wont argue at all, but this they have taken in a wrong way and started dominating me and my mother.one day i showed my angry to them, and from that day her dad and others kept quiet till now. what i want to conclude is that, when u r married and u have fight with ur wife their parents can interfere but in a neutral way, but not on one side.

    And slowly i started figuring out my problems and i started rectifying it for eg: i know she dont like fruits so nowadays i am not compelling her to take it, i like it and i will have.

    And also dont ever compel your wife for anything, because u never know when a person will be in happy or sad mood. so find out that first and start speaking to her.

    I think there are lot of mens also in this site. so ladies please dont mistake me if i have scribbbled anything wrong which hurts u guys.

    Regards
    Devanathan.L
     
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  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Sir

    Your effot to be a good husband is commendable. Just simple things to remember are...

    Do not try to change each others personalities...this change should come inthe form of adjustments over time..but not by forcing our opinions on to each other...forcing our spouse to change would increase resentment and causes rifts..

    Try to coexist ..together in the marriage..rather than trying to dominate each other or overtake each other...

    Treat your spouse as your own self..the moment you feel that your spouse and you both are one soul and 2 bodies...everything looks clearer and we know how to treat each other (because we know what hurts us and what gives us the happiness...)

    Most of the problems are due to not being able to trust our spouse i.e the new member in our lives...there are underlying doubts, fears, insecurities. So start with trusting your spouse totally and move forward..it makes the journey easier...Its better to trust and be cheated than not to trust and loose a spouse.

    Just from my experience :)
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2010
  3. skchivukula

    skchivukula Bronze IL'ite

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    Well explained SriVidya ................
     
  4. NAYA

    NAYA Senior IL'ite

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    Hello deva280579,
    My problem has some similarties like yours, my DH is the person who calls his mom or my parents whenever we have some serious arguments and they have to scold me left & right ,by this he will get cooled off and later appologises to me.
    Am facing this from last 4yrs after coming to US, he is a good person,loves me lot , take cares well,after everything gets over he says sorry and tells me he will not repeat again , but happens again same thing,compartively it has reduced now from those initial days.

    I don't like this attitude, am ready to get a slap from him instead of telling every thing to them, I want everything to be between us and the four walls.

    Either one of us has to compromise and lead our life smoothly.
     
  5. vmtaurus

    vmtaurus Bronze IL'ite

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    :thumbsup

    I think the same applies to a wife too. She also cannot compel her husband for anything. You need to find the neutral balance...it works both ways!
     
  6. deva280579

    deva280579 Senior IL'ite

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    yeah i support and agree to vmtaurus reply.

    Reg's
    Deva
     
  7. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Dev, Your thinking is very right from the above piece of writing. Ok friend now it needs to be acted on.

    Is there a way you and your wife can live far from either parents?
    In the initial years of marriage if you both stay away from them then you will get to understand each other better. You may argue, fight but atleast you will not have this interference and you will settle thing on your own without outside people messing up. This will give both security and confidence in each other. Try this option of just visiting them occasionally.
    I assure you that will help a lot!

    If you cannot live like that away from them and you live jointly then everyday take some time out just for you and your wife only. Go to nearby
    park or just for a walk and talk out things. Don't tell anyone else about your arguments and keep it to you both only. One thing is for sure, if you involve your parents, her parents etc etc then the main problem goes for a toss and egos come into play and that will be extremely harmful for your married life. Get them out of your personal life matters. Your feelings and your wife's is what matters first.
    Trust me, if she sees you are doing that then she will automatically follow you and not involve her parents too. Tell her if there is anything that she is unhappy with you she may talk to you and not drag her parents in this. Tell very coolly and mean it.


    :thumbsup
    Tara



    PS; I missed telling you about something related to your fruit incident. I love tea/coffee. I can have any number of times in a day. But my problem is I need company. My dh till this day drinks bournvita, boost or simply plain milk but has no tea habit. In the earlier days of marriage I used to ask him to drink tea for my sake to give me company. We had so many fights over this till one day, he brought fish curry from Indian restaurant and asked me to give him company in eating it. I told, " you know I dont eat meat". He said the same words I use for compelling him to give me company for tea and then it struck me how much he did not like what I was saying. Till this day, he eats meat, I dont. I drink tea he doesn't and there are so many differences. I never used to cook meat at home because simple I dont like eating but my dh never forced me to. Later on I saw how much he enjoyed eating when we go for restaurants and I thought what is the big deal? I can try making at home if he like so much and I tried by asking help from some friends and also my own dh helped me in this. Now, I can make excellent chicken biryani and I do not even taste it to test salt. Just follow the recipe!!
    Similarly, in your case too. Dont try to change her. She will try somethings you like if you do not compel her. The more you force the more she will stand her ground.....you will lose peace of mind in the end!!!
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2010

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