1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

How To Be A Good Sil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ashneys, Feb 3, 2020.

  1. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,107
    Likes Received:
    4,986
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Do you think the advice (galore) offered on this forum by the various experienced people would be helpful to the good guy, or the girl who is to marry him without the knowledge that his mother "wont leave him at home n go anywhere saying he’l be alone" ?

    Would you introduce this forum to your brother and his future wife as a prenuptial reading material, so that they can preemptively solve all the challenges that might arise ?
     
  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,619
    Likes Received:
    22,915
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Op...firstly don't underestimate your brothers capability in balanching relationships. It will obviously take time for him to learn and you all need to give him a few years to figure it out.

    Secondly all will have to accept that there will be changes because a whole new person is entering his life who will be extremely close to him...closer than a mother or sister and that will require a lot of adjustments for all.

    Thirdly ...your mothers over involvement and over emotional dependence is already a huge red flag to the future relationship of the couple. If she is not going to change her expectations then atleast you will have to take a back seat.

    You can't expect him to balance out 3 women in his life and keep them all happy.
    If someone has to give up on her time and space,it has to be you. If he finds it difficult to balance out his relationship with you.....give him that space gracefully . Take a backseat because he already has his hands full with your mom's insecurity and expectations.
    Besides you have your own married life you will be busy with .

    Consider it as a sacrifice or a gift that you give him to make his married life easier .Do it without taking it to heart.
    Remember ,your brother also took a back seat when you got married .

    Again ,hope your brother finds a way to balance out his life and you all find the the right adjustments you need to make for each other.Best wishes.
     
  3. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    456
    Likes Received:
    684
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Oh, hm. It seems like a perfect set up... for turbulence.

    I really commend your effort trying to find ways and understanding the logistics. You are a good sil already.:partyhat:.

    But it all depends upon how your mum, your brother and the girl into the picture react. Your brother might grow himself some useful skills to keep things stable or the girl might bring in some wise ideas. You can always hope!

    If everything else fails... brace yourself.
     
    SinghManisha, sindmani and Rihana like this.
  4. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    759
    Likes Received:
    904
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Hopefully your SIL will reciprocate..initially she may be a little guarded and insecure and formal, but if your are nice to her without crossing any boundaries eventually both can have a very good connection..
     
    sindmani likes this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    9,913
    Likes Received:
    24,546
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    ashneys, you have good intentions but you are making a "project" out of this whole build a relationship with my SIL thing.
    Maybe the new family member will want that you miss out on her for a bit while she settles down in her new home. She will have enough challenges with your admittedly possessive mother. Your SIL might welcome your overtures or not, depends on many things.
    This was what stood out most to be in all your posts. Your mom and the couple will be a package unit. One household. How can you not interfere in their ups and downs and keep your mom neutral at the same time? The best you can do for your brother and mother is to be there for them if they want to share something. Provide a listening ear without passing any judgement or offering any solutions.

    You seem to be quite determined to be a peace-maker. That is not possible when you are living in a different city. In fact, it can backfire. Their daily kitchen and other small arguments will happen and they will figure out a way to deal/live with those. These will get conveyed to you after a delay, and you will then give your peace-maker input, and the matter will get rekindled.

    That's good that your brother got to learn about these things from you. You have to believe that you emphasized enough. Now, stop talking about these things. A young married woman will prefer that her husband be independently inconsiderate sometimes rather than always the sensitive, considerate husband thanks to coaching from his sister.

    Ideal would be that you invite and make your mother come stay with you for 1-3 weeks two-three times a year.

    You are all about being a good SIL, and "want to build a relationhship", which is great, but the bigger elephant in the room is that your mother is possessive due to what life handed her and that has been accepted as a given.

    You have accepted that your brother is in a loner and distance is good mindset. Be prepared to accord your SIL the same acceptance if she shows similar signs in response to your overtures.

    You are more experienced as you have been married for a while, and you siblings have seen what a bad marriage can do to a family, but still the new couple and your mother have to go through their learning stages, make mistakes, learn from those, and move forward.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    5,244
    Likes Received:
    10,285
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Sorry, I didn't read all the responses above. So, I may be repeating someone's advice here. Nevertheless, I am sharing my own, first hand experience with the hope that it can help you.

    I have 2 SILs. One is my H's cousin sister. The other is my brother's wife.
    I started off both the relationship very casually. I didn't think much or prepare myself in advance.
    Just like any new relationship, I too was very happy and excited about this new bond.

    Thankfully, my H's cousin sister got easily attached to me. We had so much to share and care for each other. She was friendly, open minded and a very lively woman.
    She and her H make the best in law side relatives till date.
    They are childless, yet they treat our kids like their own and I let our kids to be as much as close to these loving souls.
    Life is so good with them.

    I expected almost similar kind of experience with my brother's wife too.
    In fact, I had and still have a very close bond with my brother. So, I naturally had a very open heart and kindness towards my SIL, hoping she should become my bro's soul mate and a partner into our large family.
    But my SIL unfortunately had this preconceived notion about all the negativeness of SILs (Husband's sisters).
    Her mom and aunts fuel the fire, and gave her examples from TV serials to prove their point.
    This innocent girl started off the relationship with fear, jealousy, and anger towards me.
    She often competed with me, thinking I try to grab her place from her H/my bro's life.
    She feared my kids would take the first place in her H's heart than her own kids
    And on top of it, she was scared that her H would share all his income to me (because he loved me), and she would end up with nothing for life.
    Little did she know that I earn as much as my brother, and with my H's income our family has a upper hand financially, and we don't need to depend on anyone for that matter.
    Also, her understanding about SILs in general was very bad, that she believed all SILs are marriage breakers.

    So, she acted weirdly and started doing everything under the sun to make sure that her H/my bro distance from me and my family since day 1.
    Created a lot of drama, and what not.

    I sensed all this immediately and decided to silently leave them for a while. Thankfully I had a transfer around that time, and I made the move naturally.

    With God's grace, she was able to understand the real me with time, and made all the efforts to patch up and bring back the bond.
    In no time, she became very much closer to me, and as a part of our large extended family.

    Nevertheless, I and my other sister take extreme precaution - knowing this woman could go to any extreme (playing drama kind of) and has no real sense, but a follower of what other's say.
    So, we are always careful with her.
    But this hasn't affected our bond with our brother at all. We are very much close, and are there for each other till date - touch wood.

    What I am trying to say here is.....
    No amount of precaution or preparation works here. It is all in the hands of the people who are involved in it.
    If you and your SIL are reasonable people, it can kick off from day 1, and could stay as a wonderful relationship forever
    If either of you or both of you are not reasonable people, then it can get sour at any time. Tread it carefully.
     
  7. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    143
    Likes Received:
    199
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    How you did you know that?
     
  8. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    5,244
    Likes Received:
    10,285
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    She told me this and apologized for causing all the troubles and heartaches initially. She revealed openly that she realized how different I am from other SILs that she knew of, and how it has helped her to patch up things from her end.
    I too don't take her seriously, because she doesn't have as much as exposure as I have, and I know that hers and her moms/aunts lives and experiences are limited to TV serials and certain real life relatives alone.

    Nevertheless, her reactions and all sorts of blame games initially (and to some extend till now) caused us heartaches for sure.
     
  9. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,162
    Likes Received:
    2,426
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Guess regardless of my efforts, it can go towards any direction as 50% of that effort has to come from the other side.

    All I can do is be true to myself and hope for the best.
     
  10. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,162
    Likes Received:
    2,426
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Hopefully !!
     

Share This Page