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How to avoid getting triggered due to inlaws?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by pman16, Mar 30, 2010.

  1. pman16

    pman16 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,

    My inlaws are here and its going pretty ok. I dont understand whether its the negative effect due to their presence or my own mind but im often getting triggered and very often not talking to dh since their visit.

    Like MIL all the time wants to make dh's favorite dishes ignoring kids(first priority as per me) and me. She enquires only if dh eats etc. She wants to talk to her daughters (India call) but never mentions about me anytime.She wants hers/FIL's favorite food all the time.

    SILs respond to hubby's emails instantly and ignore mine. If I dont respond,Im left alone. Im kind-of tired maintaining one-sided relationships.

    I try to ignore and move on but every single day, they have something new for me. Im losing patience.I lost control yday and threw things all over.

    Im kind to them and try to keep them happy yet can never be in their good books.

    Friends, please suggest how to keep my balance and not take it out on my kids.I dont want them to succeed in their plan of making/picturising me as a bad person.
     
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  2. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

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    How long are they going to stay here with you? If it is a short time, just ignore. If they are going to stay here for a long time, talk to them. please when you talk to the elders, don't talk to them in a business tone. That makes them angry and feel insecure.

    Regarding sil, ignore her. Enjoy the life with your family. If they don't reply to your email or ignore you, just keep quiet. Life is short.

    for your mil, your dh is a kid. So understand that. If she wants to make something for him, let her do it. You take care of your children.

    Peace Be with you!!!!!:coffee
     
  3. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    First of all, Kudos to you for I can see your true intention to keep it right and straight. It could be both reasons.. but whatever it is, maintain harmony with your DH.
    This is a special time for him to be with his parents.. why drag him into this? He is not causing any problem, right? Let him enjoy his share of happiness. After all it is the man you love. why worry him?


    I understand kids are your priority.
    Would it help you to think of it this way:
    Now it may sound wierd calling your husband as kid but think about it.. Just like YOUR Kids are your priority, Her Kid (your DH) is her priority..

    Just think how happy your DH would be to see his fav dishes made by his beloved mom.. Your man will be happy. Now doesn't that make you happy?! Feel good & proud about yourself while you let him enjoy his moments with his mom and relive his childhood.

    My DH used to talk with my PILs & SIL till 2am everyday during our stays with them. I would give them their space and watch TV till I doze off in my bedroom. Till date I never complained once to anyone - because it really is not a complaint for me. I feel happy to see him NOT lose any of his 'pre-marriage' favorite events just becoz he married me. He never felt guilty too.. nor his parents for making him stay.. neither do I find them guilty.. It is their moment. Let them savor it.

    As for your kids, gently tell your MIL "Ma, can you please prepare your grandkid's fav dish.. he/she loves it the way you make.." or something along those lines.. or if you don't want to burden her, you do your kid's fav while she prepares for your DH. But do not do it as though complaining that she does not care for your kid.. always mention your kid as their grandkid..

    Let it be so. Just ignore it. Dont let those things bug you. Preserve your happiness.. why ruin your day.. May be it never occured to her or it was a deliberate act. either way, not reacting is the best bet..

    It is a small compromise which when you dont do will cost you big time - your peace fo mind.. so go with it..

    Been there.. Felt that.. Who did that.. let me not go there.. I cant give up on them yet....

    It takes two to Tango. If you honestly think you did everything to reinstate relation and the opposite party could only give a damn, just ignore it. Sometimes even if we want to be one family, the family in question may not welcome us with open arms.. What I do? Either I wait patiently or I don't react . I suggest the same..
    Do not put on a fight or complain to your DH. But make it crystal clear to him that you tried all avenues and you are hurt by their indifference and there is nothing you could do more, so you are going to give them and the matter a rest!

    Pretend they don't exist. I don't mean to say insult them or do things to irritate them.. but just don't take things to heart. Divert yourself to your hobbies or engage yourself into kids..
    Now this must be very hurting. Sorry dear!

    When my good intentions were interpreted bad, I went through the same emotions. I even vowed to be that evil as the opponents portrayed my intentions.. but then I was sane enough..I did not turn into an evil. :biglaugh How did I manage to be my good self? Simple..
    I stopped expecting instant gratification for my good deeds and intentions.


    In your case, stop expecting to get into good books..
    But if possible, you continue to be your goodself. Also expect only this thing: That you may or may NOT be recognised for your good deeds and good heart. But so what.. you know about you, right?! Isn't that the greatest and genuine certification of all?
    You don't have to fall at their feet. You don't have to feel devastated also. Do the right things and dont expect appreciation from others. You appreciate yourself.

    You sound very genuine..
    Personally I get tired playing mind games so I usually 'drop out' of the game as soon as I sense one is up. We cannot go behind the persons that paint bad pictures of us and repaint our original selfs.. Leave it upto the viewers discretion. Hope your DH is not one of those naive viewers.. How is the understanding level between you and your DH? Never complain to him about his folks but let him be aware of your good intentions. A fight with DH w.r.t ILs is not a healthy potion for your marital bonding..

    Keep your cool and come out beautiful! :thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2010
    pman16 likes this.
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    MSTrue... i totally agree with each and every advise oy yours :) & had been able to keep my sanity with same approach.

    Pman you have to accept certain facts and move on:
    1) DILs seldom make to good books of all inlaws at the same time.. if one's pleased the other one may be horribly upset.
    2) You cant stop them from spreading bad name for you.. if they've chosen it as their std approach then nothing except their son can deter them & he might also fail miserably at times.
    3) Key to peace is that they remain satisfied by their choice/ items during their visit & if you have to make temporary adjustments then go for it.
    4) There are many relatives/ acquaintances who just dont respond to the mails.. treat them as not worthy enough and leave them to come back to you.

    If you still want to vent out then get a punching bag & do the honours to it :crazy.
     
    pman16 likes this.
  5. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Pman 16

    I totally understand your situation where you feel completely alone. I too felt the same thing. But atleast be happy , you have your kids with you. While your mil is busy preparing dishes for your dh , you be busy preparing dishes for your kids. Afterall when your kids say mama this dish is awesome you will feel so happy and you will forget about your mil.

    Secondly when you feel ignored by sil or anyone, just try to be busy , spend playtime with your kids , do some laundry so you dont have time to think about them.

    Dont complain or grumble with your husband. Just leave him happy with them and you also try to be happy. Dont expect that your inlaws will praise you or something. How much ever you try dil s can never be in their good books. Just dont bother yourself too much. Let them have a good time with their son , afterall they are not staying permanent with you. Just dont worry.
     
  6. devirama

    devirama New IL'ite

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    Dear Pman,

    I can understand its damn frustrating but please keep your cool and let it pass. let me give you a small tactic that my mil does...when we are sitting togther she will start talking about ppl from ages back whom i have never known or no clue about.. she and fil go on and on and i just give a smile in between, dh is okie he sees thru it and tries to fill who they talking about. It used to drive me nuts ...now i sing a song or look out and smile ... the key is not to let it get to you coz the moment they realise its getting to you they feel they have won.. keep key of your happiness with you.

    At least in my case my mil never steps in the kitchen :) though makes grave face if fil praises my paneer dish or something :rotfl

    I keep myself busy with my boys and let the adverse time pass ... Gud luck

    Rama.
     
  7. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Pman,

    I understand you are feeling lonely.They are probably treating you like an outsider.But don't worry its just for a short time.They will go back soon.

    Try to plan ahead for weekend.Maybe a movie with kids only and mention it to DH. Try to take advantage of their being here and go on a romantic date with DH.Bring it up to him when you are alone.Hey lets go to a movie tomorrow night.

    I know you may not love them as your own but try a little.Let them make dishes for Dh..tell her that its your favourite dish too.Maybe she will stop making it ....try to tell her that kids like so and so ...hey maybe she will make that too.I would also put in my requests...that may keep her busy and not do any nasty business.:thumbsup

    Its ok to feel a little left out.Try to slowly become part of the familiy.Love n luck.

    FL.
     
  8. shivachoubey

    shivachoubey IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Pman16,

    I was wondering where were you from past few days, I guess now I know the reason.

    1. Ignore your MIL, if she cooks dh's favorite dish let her cook. You prepare yours and kids. Even better is she wants to cook for all let her do the cooking, one less work for you.

    2. Do not write to people who do not respond to you. You have made the first move and if your SIL is not responding take a chill pill and move on with life. You have better things to do.

    3. Do things with kids which you wanted to do for sometime but was not finding time for, take them out and take a break from home when you feel your temperature rising.

    4. Though this is not relevant here but on the positive side I would love to mention that you should get back to your weight loss project. Have a drop dead figure to show off your MIL and SIL (I bet they will be jealous). If nothing else , you will feel good about yourself.

    Its your life Pman, don't upset it for others. She wants to cook for her boy let her cook, she wants to talk to her daughters let her talk. You do your work and be happy. Don't let others run your life in any way.

    Remember you are the master.

    regards
     
  9. pman16

    pman16 Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks to everyone for the wonderful replies. I feel much better now.It is always good to get another perspective.
    Ladies, you all rock!
     

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