how should I stop my tears...

Hi friends,

i m crying everyday and not sure how I m going to live rest of my life. Please help me by giving ur reviews or suggestions. First of all, to mention I don't have any cousins or close ppl to let them know my state, so I consider whatever suggestion u give may change my life.

i am 26 yr old now. When I was 11 yrs old, I moved to residential school which offered me free seat for upto my 10th grade. After that, intermediate,graduation, and then 3 years of job, through out my life till now I am on my own , living in hostel. I m from lower middle class family and my parents have made me focus all my concentration on studies. They are very conservative. I have a younger sister. The scenario in home used to be like - even by mistake we should not spell a boy name in our house. My mother used to be very very strict. She is used to beat us and bad mouth us very much from childhood. I m not so close to my mother or my family as because I have grown up mostly outside.

The main point is... I have loved a guy from my class in my under graduation. In my 4 yrs of UG I started to love him from my second year. I didn't know that I m loving him, until I discovered myself that this guy either messages or calls me everyday for any small reason. One day , i discovered that he is doing that for last more than 3 months. Slowly I thought that he might have feelings for me and same started from my side . I waited for some days thinking that he wud propose me but he didn't. In between, one day my parents called me and said there is a good alliance and we are planning to propose about you to him( though my parents are not serious abt this match, but this raised fear in me). In that situation, I have proposed to my guy by calling him and said that I loved him. First, he resisted, but after he accepted.

days went on, and we used to have long night calls almost everyday. We were deeply in love( or i shud say, it's what I thought). We were abt to complete our studies and luckily he got placed in a company But I didn't . Before few weeks of our final sem exams , one day he called and said that he couldn't marry me and stopped talking to me. I asked and pleaded him to tell the reason, but he didn't give any. I cried, cried and cried in my room. I cried a lot putting His photo in front of me and kept on calling him and asking. Finally the reason he gave me is he got this dream that if we both marry, then all my family is gonna hang themselves and die and he didn't want that to happen. I didn't believe or care that reason much and felt, all he wants is to leave me. I was deeply sad in my heart but, I thought to let it go, to move on in my life. College completed and we left to our homes.


i was in my home doing job trials and also a part of me wished that he would call me, but he didn't. So I used to call him once for every 2 or 3 weeks to know abt his whereabouts - but I used to feel bad abt the way he talk to me as He didn't show much feelings towards me. Months passed and finally he joined in the job in which he got placed. To my surprise, I used to get many calls from him after he joined the job. When I didn't answer, he used to be angry about why I didn't answer his calls.
Then I thought, he still loves me but he waited for himself to join in the job and I was very happy. After few months I too got job in the same city which he is working and I was very very happy and I was like on cloud nine. ( i shud mention that he helped me in preparing for my job interviews) . My inspiration to get a job is that, my family wud accept to marry him when I am in a good position.

For one and half year, I worked and we used to meet monthly twice and used to roam the city. Then my family pressure started for me to marry. Then I said to my mother about my love,but they didn't listen to me. They asked me to come to home as soon as I said this. I went to home, then they said they are never going to approve, they didn't allow me to go back to work, they monitored me when I used to hold the phone, they threatened me, house arrested me, didn't speak properly to me- all the three- father,mother,sister. I stayed at home for days,weeks and months. I used to cry at night when lights are turn off and when everyone went to bed. I used to cry and cry and cry a lot. My father, sister, mother used to bad mouth me. But I never said that I would forget my love. I was very determined. But my mother one day, she acted as if she is getting paralysis because of this( not sure whether she acted or its true). And then I had to say for her to get to normal stage that I wud marry the person they show. And they started arranging pellichupulu( official ceremony that boy and his family come to girl family to see her). Few boys came for pellichupulu but my parents too didn't like them. Then, now they allowed me to work again but on one condition that my mother would stay with me at my working city in hostel.

i and my mother returned to my job place and I started working at the before company itself. Meanwhile this guy tried to talk to my father thru phone few times but my father threatened him saying that, they wud do suicide if this marraige happens.
I was still loving this guy and I was never ready to marry the person my parents choose, so I always used to highlight the defects in them and dragged the situations or escaped from them. But there came a day when , my parents brought some matches which I can't show any defects in them, I didn't know what to do. So, I called my guy and asked me to meet at a temple which we used to go before. And there I said to him that my parents will not understand about us and let's marry. He asked me to cool down and took me to have some food( breakfast as we didn't eat anything until then) . After having food, he said with soft voice that , his mother said to him that he cannot keep any contacts with his parents or come to their crematariol ground when they die, if he marries me. This answer surprised me because, he is very softly saying that he cannot marry me after I loving, caring, and fighting with my parents for him.


i clearly understood that he is leaving me or decided to leave me for his parents, which I never ever dreamt from the time I started to have feelings on him. And then I decided not force him or talk or contact him. After few months my parents zeroed me on a guy and I had to accept for the marriage. Before Marraige I messaged him that I am gonna marry. That's all.

I got married on fine day.

i had to relocate to other city where my husband works and I couldn't get any job. I am all alone when he leaves to office and I cry almost all the time, remembering the memories and the life I thought of. It's been almost one and half years I m married now but, still I cry when i m alone and when my memories bring back the life I had , how happy I was to be with the person I loved, and how he softly said he couldn't marry me,my job, my financial independence, how I got deceived by my family and the person I loved.i almost lost confidence on love. Tears roll down my cheeks even today when I think about all these. I don't understand the reason of my tears, it's because I m deceived or I lost that person.
At times, My inner heart says that I shud have tried more for him but never blames him because of the affection he poured on me and his love towards me.

my question to u friends and sisters is , what shud I do to to stop my tears? For hominy months / years these gonna be with me. What shud I do to stop my heart from crying.

I shud also mention that, the guy I loved, his family financial position is not so good. His parents rely on him.

 

Thanks for ur reply sing.... But to mention clearly, no sex.

I too heard that time can heal anything, but how much? I don't want to stuck in this forever, but my damn stupid, fool heart it doesn't listen..... I m doing my level best to get involved in the activities. But whenever I feel low, I go to the same position, tears start rolling continuously from eyes. Shud I take it as my tears are source to less my pain or its a sign that I can't help myself?