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how should I React?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by homemaker81, Jun 23, 2011.

  1. homemaker81

    homemaker81 New IL'ite

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    Hi Everyone,

    I am back here after a long time. i recently found that my husband has an Facebook id through one of his office colleague's list. But i am not able to add him as a friend or send a message or poke him. But I am dead sure its my husband because the id is in his name. I think he has blocked me from sending any requests thats why I am not able send it.

    Learning that he has a facebook id and that he has blocked me from sending request is making me feel suicidal. I feel like a crap after 7 years of marriage with 2 kids. Basically, I have a very suspicious nature and possessive character. But how can he go to this extent of blocking me from FB.. I feel so upset, humiliated. Should I confront that I found him through his ex office colleague id. But he will refuse to accept that it is him because he has not given out any details in that id other than the name.

    Should i stop talking to him? Or live with it? I am bursting out into tears. I have never done such an act. Because I even have my husband's pic and all his relatives on my FB. Is it fair for my husband to do such an act just becos i am a possessive wife?
     
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  2. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Homemaker81


    please dont get paranoid and possessive. He might have personal setting where noone can message/poke or add him. Only he can do so with the people he adds to his list. I have the same settings...

    So why dont you tell him that you would like to be his friend too on facebook and if he could add you.


    Maybe I am too naive and I dont know the details of your martial relationship, but try the "nicer" route.

    Also, once you start showing him that you are not possessive and that you actually dont care what he does on facebook and with whom he is friends with, he might loosen up. It´s hard for a man to feel controlled the whole time. It´s equally hard for a woman too...
     
  3. shruthi10

    shruthi10 New IL'ite

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    I would be upset too if I was blocked from FB by my husband..but we dunno for sure if its just the settings....you can just try the nice approach and ask him if he can add you in FB...no need to be suicidal abt this...

    If he denies, then we will have to think of something else..does he have a v common name..it cld be anyone.
     
  4. homemaker81

    homemaker81 New IL'ite

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    Thnk you very much girls.

    My husband already behaves as though he doesn't have an FB id. When i added his sister to my fb, he said he should also create an FB account. Once I found his web history and saw fb logs. I confronted him, he said he doesn't have any fb id.

    Now I purposefully searched for his ex colleague (his friend), and found his name on the friends list. This lady was a coworker with my husband. She had been to our marriage and all. She has her own family and she is a good woman. But after marriage, I stopped my husband from talking to any woman in the earth.

    Now i added that lady as my friend on fb and she also confirmed my request. I did that so that my hubby will know that. This lady knows i am possessive. Should I talk to her and allow her to advice my husband on his lies. Or just ask my husband. Even if i ask he will say a big lie.

    I don't feel like sleeping. Please help. Should I stop talking to him for his lies? Or should I just keep quiet? I feel so cheated. All my social networking sites have our family pics. If my husband had ever been possessive, I wouldn't even have created an account. But he is lying and doing such things on my back. This shows his zero love for me... I am bursting into tears. I am living this fake life for the sake of my 2 kids. God will definitely punish cheaters. Please help me overcome this.
     
  5. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    Our husband is not our possession. You dont own your husband like you own a car, house, bike. He has every right in the world to talk to whomever he wants.

    Your husbands is totally fine, YOU need to get a grip on yourself!


    Have you started therapy? This possessiveness of yours is a illness. Get professional help, else it will ruin your life.


    Dont drag that other lady into YOUR problems. She is at no fault, as is your husband. Your husband is not lies, and when, these are simply white lies to have some own peace of mind because of your possessiveness, so dont ruin his mental peace.


    As for you sleeping: Get a grip on yourself!!! Your husband did not do anything wrong, it´s you. Calm down and get aware, that your possessiveness is wrong. No need to cry over nothing. You are creating much ado about nothing, so better get professional help.


    As said, I dont know the facts, I am simply replying as on what I from this post...
     
  6. Umlaut

    Umlaut Silver IL'ite

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    Don't jump to such huge conclusions based on just one silly Facebook account. Maybe he thinks you might go about snooping into his messages if he befriends you! Like Bebe said, get professional help for your possessiveness. There might be some underlying insecurity!
     
  7. cj1980

    cj1980 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear homemaker,

    I think you are doing enough 'reacting' already...don't think we need to advise you to do more!

    I have highlighted a few of the things you have said in your post and i agree with the other IL who says you need some help. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but i genuinely feel you are causing a lot of emotional distress for yourself. An FB account is just that...a social networking account! It's not like your husband is cheating behind your back...if that's the case, why should he even display his id or real name on his FB profile page? Also, there are different privacy settings on FB that can prevent nosy people from poking or sending messages, not just YOU specifically.

    Please understand that, as a man, your husband needs his space. Just because you are married does not mean you have the right to isolate him from friends, family or colleagues. That's a very selfish and insecure thing to do in a relationship...why do you stop him from ever speaking to a woman? Are you so insecure about your place in the marriage or does your husband have a track record of any affairs? (am talking about REAL proof here and not just your suspicions)

    My sincere advise: Be a confident woman...don't let your husband think of you as a suspicious and nagging woman who breathes fire on his neck for the most trivial of things. Trust me, that will make him do the 4-minute mile from you in 10 seconds flat! If you have REAL REASONS based on credible information that your husband is up to something behind your back, you should sit him down and talk to him, telling him how his secrecy is hurting you. Please allow him to have his own circle of friends...i know you want to be a part of every single thing in his life, but you can't force yourself emotionally on someone like this...when you give him this freedom, you will find him automatically including you in his inner circle in a matter of time.

    Stop wallowing in self pity. It's not going to do you any good. Learn to look at things from an objective and positive standpoint. I hope you are able to sort this out with your husband in a rational and objective manner.

    All the best!

    Cheers,
    Carol
     
  8. shruthi10

    shruthi10 New IL'ite

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    Did your husband do anything to make you feel insecure and possessive. If he did no such thing, I dont think its fair to be so possessive. I get it now, why yr H wld block you...of course he would not want you to be in his FB.

    If u keep thinking that yr H is gonna fool around, it is gonna happen....our thots will translate into actions...

    Pls trust yr husband, you are 2 individuals and he is not yr possession...marriage is not abt what only u want, its abt compromise, understanding, respect, love and sacrifice.

    If his actions are making u uncomfortable and he is being v sociable with the ladies, let him know nicely yr comfort zone...but after that leave it at that. He is not having an EMA for god's sake..its just FB. You have reacted in such a way that he has to block u from Fb..its v sad.

    Take care.
     
  9. homemaker81

    homemaker81 New IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    Thanks for your postings. Yes i hadn't been possessive during the first few years of marriage. The last 1 year I have changed myself a lot. I don't even bother about so many things and have stopped questioning altogether. Becos i checked his web history and found the fb page visited on it, i was kind of upset. Becos I have shown him all the photos on my Fb. He never even said a word then. I too have my ex colleagues both men and woman on my FB.

    When I tell about something on FB earlier, he would behave as though he never knew about FB thing. But now, I realise he has acted. Maybe he was afraid that I will constantly check on his FB profile and take over his privacy. What is wrong in checking? Why should he be so bothered if he doesn't do anything wrong. Is this may fault or his?
     
  10. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    What is wrong in checking? Why should he be so bothered if he doesn't do anything wrong. Is this may fault or his?

    HM...It is ur fault. We have gone over this in ur earlier threads as well.
    U have acted unreasonably in the past and have offered him zero space . The very fact that he is still married to you in spite of the way u treated him is a testimony to his commitment. Give the guy a break.
    What u are doing is nothing short of stalking. Checking his history,be-friending his friends so u can see if he really has an account ...stop it HM before its too late.Years of hurt will take time to heal. Learn to be patient and focus on ur marriage instead of his online accounts.
    Get professional help.
     

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