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How Should I Feel?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by monita, Jul 23, 2016.

  1. Dreamer

    Dreamer Silver IL'ite

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    It's sad. Your irritation is justified!
     
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  2. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    Agree with @Rihana.

    I also think there's more to the story of why he did this and unless that's known you will only get polarising responses which will be unhelpful.

    In addition Rihana's questions, I'm curious to know

    - Does your husband's firm pay for spouse's BC ticket also ?
    - Does it pay for a +1 or only the spouse ? I mean to ask if your husband used the money towards your ticket to pay for his mother's travel.
    - Was there a reason your husband felt MIL was better off travelling BC ?
    - Was there any reason he needed to be in BC with her ?
    - How has MIL travelled in the past trips to / from U.S - economy / BC ?
    - Does your husband allow you financial freedom to purchase luxury items such as jewellery or clothes like he does with his mom ?

     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You've been married for two decades plus. Any change in dynamics or your character will take too much effort to be worth it. I recall reading that you hardly ever got to go out with husband. And MIL has been so very much a part of your lives even beyond living together.

    Husband is now very aware of your displeasure. Leave it at that or get even elsewhere. If sufficiently ticked off, I would take it out in the drawing room. As all are settling down to watch TV or guests are over, I would stand and loudly ask to the room in general, 'Oh where do I sit. On which sofa, ottoman, side-table. Economy or BC' Samajhne waley samajh gaye... those who get it will get it. If still ticked off, I would classify more things as Economy/BC. "Darling, today shall we go to an Economy or BC restaurant?"
     
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  4. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Rihana

    Why the need for her to make indirect, passive-aggressive subversive statements ? Why not just have a sit-down talk with the husband in private, during a relaxed time when he would be more receptive ?

    The reason why I disagree with your suggestion is because very often when a wife argues with her husband, the focus of the fight changes from the actual problem she is upset about to the tone of her voice, the words she used, who she said it in front of and how they got offended, how rude her behavior is in front of guests etc. Very soon the topic escalates into all together different direction with the finger being pointed at the way she brought up the issue rather than the real issue itself. What if she ends up being insulted in response by her husband, joined by others in the room ? It is quite possible for a man to say, "It is because of your caustic nature that I wanted to get away from you and sit in a different class altogether." That won't achieve the purpose does it ?

    Let's assume even that she is suggested to make the statements, just to get the point across. It can backfire badly if it doesn't gel with her usual personality and communication style.

    When the husband has made the decision to not purchase a BC ticket for his wife, embarrassing him in front of others will achieve nothing.

    Hence to avoid drama and to avoid giving others an excuse to find fault with her, it may be recommended that OP speak her mind in her own way to her husband in private. Even if has not been done in 20 years, OP can always take a small first step towards a direct, open and frank conversation where she says she was hurt by this incident, that she felt insignificant or devalued and that she expects to fly in the same class as her husband in the future. When she says it in a firm but polite manner, the focus will stay on the topic and his behavior and less on her "behavior" (as men like to say).

     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2016
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    madras, as might be obvious by now, half of half my posts is suggestions that are not really implementable. We have enough history here for monita to know which is real, and which is simply a peevish suggestion. It just gets me mad to read about households like hers, where MIL is literally a third person in the marriage. and a most annoying third person one cannot do much about. monita used to post much more regularly in the past, and my response was in context of our past exchanges, like the one about chai falling on the carpet.

    Your points are logical, bug logic doesn't work much with such household dynamics.
     
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  6. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    I see from your answers that money is not an issue. You do not need to find a trade off ( like I suggested before. I was wrong). Taking some time free from your MIL is a great way to pamper yourself. Why not pamper in business class? heck, extend that beyond just travel if you want to.

    You mentioned it is not in your nature to spend extravagantly. Personally, I feel that is the richest character trait a person can gain, especially when the life is already rich. It will come handy in more way than one, especially if at all the going gets tough. So please do not change your attitude towards spending, if you are not comfortable with it. Like someone mentioned here, pick your battle and try to stay true to yourself to defend those.

    You also mention that it has been 20 years. That is a good enough of a time to establish, test and reaffirm the pattern of behavior for any human being- be it you, husband or MIL. It is become a part of their personality. Hence DH may not question MIL/SIL/you in case you do something that you have been always doing. He may question it the day he starts feeling uncomfortable fulfilling the demands of family.

    Also, i am not sure if your husband is happy fulfilling demands of his mom and SILs, especially the extravagant purchases. Has he ever objected it- directly or indirectly? I gather that he is a people pleasure- then it is very highly likely that he is providing for luxury purchases of your MIL out of that, for lack of a better term, " compulsive people-pleasing disorder" ( don't even know if that term exist). Be aware of such people. One of my cousin can do anything to please his family but he later regrets it. and takes out his frustration on his wife. In our case, DH and FIL used to never question MIL's constant demands of luxury lifestyle in the past. FIL lost a big chunk of his fortune on his wife, which she hardly ever appreciates. Now when he is retired, she complains to him , as to why he can not take up another job ( after 65 imagine?). DH gifted her a luxury car when he established in his career, he never gets to touch that car, let alone drive it. In my wedding and BIL's wedding, this woman has atrocity to use all the money that my DH saved for us for making herself new jewelry, and she now complains that she should have got more from her sons in their weddings (DILs do not need that. She has given them her two real diamond sons). the list goes on. Both sons were initially trying to please her but now they have stopped. But i digress ( sorry). The reason I gave examples here is because, at one point, your DH might start objecting MIL's demands. Not all days are equal. You as a family might get more responsibilities in the future, you will have your retirement to plan for. So until he himself realizes that he needs to stop, he will not pay heed to your suggestions/ arguments.
     
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Go buy jewelery monita,go buy jewelery :sconf::sconf::sconf::sconf:

    It will convey a message .If you buy lots,it will send the message deep and lesson will be learnt for future.If he objects ...just say"only your wife is not allowed:rage:?"
     
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  8. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @monita, I wouldn't stand for it. :rage:

    Does your husband own the company or is he an employee? Whose money is he saving? :thinking:

    .
     
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  9. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    May be not jewelry, but I really need a new ipad. I have been planning to since months. He said he is going to buy a new one for himself and I can get his old one. Now, I think i will go ahead and buy a brand new latest model.:smirkcat:
     
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  10. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    no way. A lady like you must get a new gadget - ofcourse get that new iPad. You need not/ want not/ can not get the old used ipad from hubby. Something similar happened to me, when I wanted to upgrade iphone, hubby got my upgraded phone, got a new note 4 for me and before I could use it MIL snatched it from my hand and started using it from day one. I was stuck with my old iphone until it gave up on me and this lady tells hubby to give his phone (which is now become older) to me and wants to upgrade hers ( for which i am paying)..why? why? why? Not fair. never fair.
     
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