How often do you(DILs) meet your parents?

simpleton · Nov 11, 2015

Hi All,

Just wanted to know how often you all get to meet your parents? My inlaws are visting us for the 3rd time now in US and my parents have visited only once during my delivery. My inlaws are leaving in 3 weeks now. I am planning to call my parents next year. My sil is moving to US with her husband for onsite project and my MIL wanted to meet her before they leave for India. So she asked my husband to book tickets for SIL from Michigan to CA for to and fro. Whereas when my parents came they went to Atlanta to meet my mama(mom's bro) but my mama only booked tickets for both my parents. Even for their trip to US,my parents booked their own ticket.

So this time I am planning to book lot of tours and trips for my parents when they come.

But generally I never get to meet and stay with my parents that long. Whenever we go to India,my inlaws ask me to stay for 15-20 days in their place and just 1 week at my place but my MIL wants to meet her daughter often (once in 3 months) after her marriage. SIL was in Chennai and now moving to US.

The first time I went to India was after 2.5 yrs and I was pregnant at that time, My MIL allowed me to stay for only 1 week at my place and that too after 2.5 yrs but she wants to meet her daughter very often.

My MIL kept on pestering my husband that she wants to meet her daughter becos now that she is going to live in US , she ll never get to meet her at all. So my husband booked her tickets and she is going to visit us for 10 days.

My mind is not quite at all, thinking of all the past. She wants to meet her daughter often but if I say I should call my parents she ll keep a frowning face and even if I talk to my mom over phone she doesn't like it. When I went to my inlaws last time she said 'you are not supposed to call your mom when u r in inlaws place'.

Is it same for you all ?

sunshine1970 · Nov 11, 2015

Why do you listen to her and look at her frowning face, you are an adult and you are saying she does not allow you to, difficult to comprehend, you should say I'm going to my mom's place these dates, and she can deal with it. We give our power away unnecessarily and you need to take it back, make your own decisions in life about your vacation etc.

simpleton · Nov 11, 2015

I know. They always dominate us and book our tickets for local trips in India. Next time for sure I ll stay maximum at my place and few days in his place.

SGBV · Nov 11, 2015

First of all, why are you seeking permission from your in laws to meet your parents?

If you want to meet your parents, then book their tickets. Ask their permission for the trip. More importantly tell your husband that you are planning this in advance. So that you both can decide on this.

If you are not working, and do not have financial freedom to book your parents' tickets, then of course you should convince your husband to spend on.
Generally husbands should spend on wify's needs regardless of their financial status. But practically it depends on persons to person.

During your India trips, make a clear plan about your vacation.
Clearly tell your husband that you would like to stay how many days at your parent's place.
When the day comes, inform everyone that you are leaving. Don't seek anyone's permission other than your spouse' to make a decision in your life.

chocolate · Nov 12, 2015

Op, In laws only take advantage of our respect for them. Respect them for what they deserve not over. Next time you go to India, pack your bags and say you are leaving to your parents house. Threats , abuses if it comes to that tell them about your SIL and you. How you are treated differently.If they tell she is daughter, tell them you are your parents daughter too. Good Luck.

sanarthi · Nov 12, 2015

Hi Simpleton,

Even i was in the same situation during early times of my marriage. My MIL wanted us to visit her house every week as we stay only 2 hrs away from her. But she will frown if i visit my parents house that is 5 hrs away from our town.

She would wanted me to update her the time i leave and call her and tell that i leave for my parents house and after i reached to my parents house, i should update her.. Worst of all she wanted me to call her once i am back to my house to update her what all i got from my parents house. The reason my husband told was only if i update them what all i got from my parents house, only then my MIL will have a good idea about my parents.

Thats when i thought i should not allow her to eat my independence. I told my husband clearly to update his mother of my itinerary but i wont. She had her face frowning and was did not talk to me well for first 3 times when i left without following her rules. Then she had to talk to me naturally...

So you are the sole responsible person to draw limits for everyone... If you flunk, people will take advantage.

Indianwomen · Nov 12, 2015

Even my MIL and FIL are like your MIL. She would like to meet her daughter all the time but if I want to meet my parents or brother or sister she does not like.

But, I never cared what she liked when it comes to my family members. If I want to meet I will meet and I never ever tell her in advance what I am going to do. It is fun to watch her guessing all the time.

So if you want to meet your parents go and meet. Once she will not like, twice she will not like or may be she will never like, its OK, at least you will be happy.

simpleton · Nov 17, 2015

Thanks for your inputs.. I am working and will sponsor for my parents.. Now it's been a year since I met my mom. But i have met his mom often. In the past 5 yrs, they have come to US 3 times. But my parents came only once. They made sure they will come again and again and came this year without asking if my parents are coming.

I am hoping and praying they don't come here for next 2 years...

DKI · Nov 17, 2015

My in-laws are like yours. The few months immediately following my marriage, they even did not want me to call my sister who lived in Banglore ( I lived in Chennai). In fact, they did not like it if she called me even!! My parents were overseas so calling them up was out of the question. My husband was in a job where he would have to travel a lot, so he could not even see what was happening. Finally, I started calling my sister up when I went out to the temple or for walks.

Then luckily we came here. My first vacation to India, I told my DH that I would ask my sister to book all my train tickets within India (dad had retired and parents were back in India - In Kerala). So DH and I looked at the calendar, and dates and I sent the dates to her. PIL were extremely upset that I went off to my parents place after 3 weeks. But DH had told me not to bother about it. A few trips later, she again complained. I told DH about it. He said that even if I spent 4 weeks with in-laws and only 1 day with my parents, they would still complain, so to just ignore. They still try and change our plans when we are there, but DH puts his foot down and we do as we wish. She should be glad that I spend the same amount of time with both parents, with a little left over for my sister.

YOU need to take charge. Don't let her book your tickets. Either book online from the US, or ask somebody else to do so. If you have an Indian credit card, you can book train tickets from here.