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How often do newly married couples with no past have sex?

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by Sharanya, Mar 15, 2014.

  1. snehalJoshi

    snehalJoshi Silver IL'ite

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    If sex is the only issue, go to a sex therapist.
     
  2. Sharanya

    Sharanya Senior IL'ite

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    In West Bengal, where I come from, there's a saying, "Shath Kando Ramayon Shesh, ****a Ram er Pishi," which loosely translated into Hindi means, "Saath Kand Ramayan Padhke, Sita Ram Ki Bua Hain."

    Apparently one friend told another that he had just completed reading all seven cantos of the Ramayana. The other friend asked the first that having read all seven cantos, he must be having a very good knowledge of the Ramayana. This firstfriend replied in the affirmative. Thereupon, the friend again remarked that he'd certainly be able to answer every question on the Ramayana, so he would like to quiz his friend on the Ramayana, beginning with a very simple question.

    The first friend again replied in the affirmative, asking his friend to ask him anything he wanted.

    The friend asked, "How is Sita related to Ram?"

    His friend, having read all seven cantos of the Ramayana replied that Sita is Ram's paternal aunt! :-D

    If you'd read my other posts and threads(and no one is obliged to do that, its perfectly allright if you haven't) you'd realise that sex is faaaaar from the only issue.

    There are way too many other and to me bigger issues, infrequent sex is fine for me.
     
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  3. smprop1999

    smprop1999 Silver IL'ite

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    Okay, you nailed the point HERE. May be the thread subject should have initially started with a different context.
    Besides, I wouldn't blame fellow readers jumping to conclusion and giving one liner suggestions (like SnehalJoshi..). Its quite natural for people to go by subject.. Even in office environmen, most of the time people go with mail subject.. viz. filter them or chose to read them..

    So there is NO LOVE on either side, sexual intimacy topic is a MOOT issue or irrelevant now. Your husband is very clear from day one on what he wants out of this marriage...
    Their parents were also aware of this and connived this marriage saga... That's why they looked for someone who is educated, beautiful, naive and gullible.. They found you.. Good for them, BAD for you..
    You mentioned you were in skype with your husband before marriage.. Did he mention about his plans, education, kids etc..? Did you get any clue about him? If yes, then it can be argued on his side as well, though its not ethical/normal, but for argument sake..

    So you mentioned he used to tell you that "you can leave, he can divorce you and he has set 6 months deadline for this marriage.."
    Actually those words should be coming from you instead.. "If you are not acting like a husband/man and not treat me like a wife/female and respect my feelings.. then Im leaving and want to file a seperation/divorce.... Im not here as your condo caretaker, if thats what you want look for property management and I want to fi my life..."

    ITS CLEARLY WRITTEN BEFORE YOU.
    THINK, ASK YOURSELF, BE BOLD, TELL HIM & DECIDE ON HOW TO LIFE FROM NOW ON.

    If he says I'm fine with it.. then move on..
    Life is short, you should plan your LIFE with someone who loves/respects/cares/feels for you and same from you for him. If you take that bold step and find someone, you will see intimacy and happiness...
    All the Best!

    P.S: Pls Change the topic/thread SUBJECT..
     
  4. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    Sharanya,

    Somehow I get the feeling that you are in the dark related to several aspects of your DH, starting from his "likings", "ambitions" and "life-goals".

    You have mentioned in several posts in different ways that this Marriage appears to be more of a camouflage than an actual marriage. ie, it is more a "front" to save him & his family from acknowledging the reality.

    And you are not sure if he is gay or not, and frankly it is high-time he actually gets asked this question. But, trouble is he could say an Yes/No, and are you willing to accept the answer and live with him ?

    I believe even if he responds No, you are still going to have doubts at the bottom of your heart, which would eventually blow up out-of-proportion at some other instance.

    Taking a step-back and reading between your lines, I would not recommend trying to patch a hole in this relationship, when you are left with a vacuum inside. So, I recommend that you break the ties early and now.

    So atleast both of you get to start your life early with a more compatible person.

    Am sad, that people like you end up suffering just because someone didn't have the guts to accept and face the facts of life !
     
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  5. ErRamesh

    ErRamesh Junior IL'ite

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    hi, the best thing you could do is talk with him directly and before finding out solution to your own problem try to understand his problem first, understand that every individual is not same and expectation may vary. he may have some expectations from you which you might have failed to fulfill andthats the reason he is tryinng to be alien to you. My only suggestion is take things cooly and calmly.

    where there is a will there is a way.
     
  6. Sharanya

    Sharanya Senior IL'ite

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    He LIED all the time I was on Skype with him, about all his plans. And now, instead of acknowledging his lies, he BLAMES me.

    He told me "sorry I have already thought our future son's name-Yatharth." and grinned. When I asked him if he had also thought about a future daughter's name, he said he used to like the name Aaradhya(his name also starts with A, both his parents' names start with A) but he thinks it'll become too common now that its Beti B's name. So he likes names like Anandita etc.

    Before marriage, I had told him I'll like kids soon, he had said not very soon, so I'd said after two-three years to which he said yes.

    Before marriage, I'd casually remarked that my first cousin is an MBA from IIM Ahmedabad and was his Mk Kinsey friend's senior, and my cousin mentioned knowing this Mk Kinsey friend. I'd asked him then whether he'd also thought of doing an MBA then like this Mk Kinsey friend after graduating from St Stephens'.

    He had said that he'd appeared for CAT but for some reason he mentioned then, he hadn't got through the IIM's and didn't want to go to a lesser place so he'd gone abroad etc.

    After this, his mom called up my mom and mentioned that I should never mention CAT and IIM's in front of her son because he is rather sensitive to the issue, as he was a very good student in school, but hadn't managed to get into the IIM.

    Later I learn that he had already given the GMAT twice, and his mom had gone to stay with him in Singapore both times to ensure he eats and sleeps well etc, because he wanted to do an MBA in USA. This was in 2010 and 2011, a year and two years before we started skyping.

    I also learnt from this Mk Kinsey friend's wife that he had decided not to do this MBA after he got less than desired marks in his GMAT, and he thought he wouldn't get through a top place.

    I learnt from him that he was only waiting for his PR, and if he got his PR, it would be easier for him to go to USA and return to SG. His dad too told our parents that he'd be going to the USA for an MBA only if he gets a PR, which he is unlikely to get.

    But after his PR was rejected the third time, he still decided to go, keeping me as a condo keeper in SG.

    Before marriage, he had also told me that he had cancelled this software engineer girl because she wanted to go to the USA for a year after marriage, and since this was an arranged marriage, it is very important to stay together in the beginning, to make the necessary adjustments.

    Now after marriage if I ask him why he hadn't mentioned about not wanting kids-he tells me I should have specifically told him that having kids is "very important" to me.Having kids is important to most people, and if he is the exception to this, he should have mentioned this before marriage, right?

    If I ask him why he hadn't told me that he intended to go off to the USA for two years after marriage, he tells me that I should have specifically asked him whether he intended to do an MBA like his friends. Even if I say that the topic of MBA had come up and he should have volunteered this information, he says I should have specifically asked him.
    In India, many, if not most people do their MBA's in their early or mid twenties, before marriage and at a younger age, like his friends had done.Those of his friends who had not done an MBA, done it from some lesser place, were still stagnating etc mostly think of doing other things after marriage. Like, one of his friends moved to the Middle East, he has colleagues who've moved back to India and so on. If someone plans to do their full time MBA after marriage in their mid thirties-and does not plan to take wife along with him, then that is something, they should specifically mention, I presume.Especially as he had decided to do this, regardless of what his wife feels/if she is willing, able to stay alone in SG with a job etc.

    I asked him why he'd cancelled that software engineer girl, he says that she wanted to go to USA very soon after marriage, whereas he wants to go after a year.

    I also learn from him that the software engineer girl didn't say that she wanted to go to USA out of the blue, he'd told her he intended to do this MBA in USA, and she had said that then she too wanted to do this one year project in USA.

    His mom had said that this is why they prefer me to this girl, because this girl was very(in their words) "career minded" and I am not like that, I prefer being with the family. His mom also told my mom that her husband had liked the fact that my mom was a homemaker and this girl's mom was working, as maybe this girl placed so much emphasis on her career seeing her working mom, and I would be more homely, seeing my homemaker mom, as (in her words again) daughters learn from mothers.

    His mom had said that I could choose or not choose to work in SG, and I could work to(in her words) keep myself busy, otherwise I might get very bored.This same woman later calls up my mom and tells her that I should stay alone in their SG condo for two years while he does an MBA in USA, with a job which I have to find, retain fot two years and get adequate salary to support myself there.

    Husband had also mentioned that he had applied for Singapore Permanent Residency as he wanted to continue living there, and the job market there was tough, and if things didn't work out, although he would not like it, he would move back to our hometown.

    He didn't mention that this was the third time he was applying, didn't mention he had applied before and that getting SPR meant so much to him that he would make mock suicide attempts if he didn't get it.

    These are some of the lies and important info husband and his family should have mentioned, which they didn't

    1) He never wanted to get married, and was marrying only for social pressure, he had no sexual need for a wife, nor need for wife's companionship

    2) He didn't want children, and had long discussions with his parents on the subject and wanted a girl(if he married for social pressure)who wouldn't want kids

    3)That he had applied for PR thrice, and as he said now, he would keep applying a fourth, fifth and other time because as he says, it means the world to him.He can't consider any other city or country to live in.

    4)He is depressed and suicidal, and prone to dramatic scenes like crying while slapping himself on the cheeks etc, he routinely threatens his parents by claiming he will commit suicide and people have to give in to his every whim and demand.

    5)His wife would have to stay alone in SG for two years with a job as his condo keeper if he goes off to USA.
     
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2014
  7. Sharanya

    Sharanya Senior IL'ite

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    And what exactly is his expectation?

    He was alien from me right from day one, before I had a chance to fulfill any expectations whatsoever. He was also threatening me with divorce, saying he wants to go to USA etc.

    He had also already given his GMAT before marriage, and was only waiting for a wife to arrive and be his condo keeper.

    These long conversations about not wanting kids which he had with his parents were also long before I married him.

    He gives me the example of a relative who was also very beautiful, educated and married a USA obsessed man who had a long distance for 8 long years, today they have no children although she has finally moved to USA with him, now that he's got a Green Card.

    Husband speaks approvingly of this man, and sometimes says, "Let me spend a few years like this, then we will go back to our hometown and live-my parents, you and me."

    Husband's father says that husband doesn't listen to anyone else and does only what he wants.

    So as you said "expectations may very"- if I stay as condo keeper for two years, then he says stay like this some more years while I do this or that in USA, then after 8 years, when I'm 35, he says he never wants kids and had already told me so, what then?

    Can I move on and find someone else to have aloving relationship and kids with?

    I would be stuck and used by this man.
     
  8. Televangelist

    Televangelist New IL'ite

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    If you aren't madly in love with someone, you shouldn't be married to them. Period. Every other consideration you're expressing is secondary.

    You're still young and have plenty of time, so you should probably be consulting with divorce lawyers immediately. Plenty of time to find a person who's madly in love with you and excited about starting a family with you.
     
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2014
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  9. Sharanya

    Sharanya Senior IL'ite

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    If I say I want to divorce him if he is unable/unwilling to be a proper husband he'd say go ahead.

    I don't know how to change the thread topic. I don't think this forum allows that.
     
  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Is it possible for you to get away for a few weeks? Can you go to your Mom's place for a brief vacation citing that you are homesick? I think you are in an extremely stressful situation and you need to get away for a few days to think logically and decide what you want to do.
    You have opened various threads and lots of people have given you various suggestions but I'm yet to see a single post on the lines of what you want to do.
    For you to be able to come up with that you need some calm and the TLC and comfort of your parents home.
    Btw, there are lots of women who stay in loveless marriages for whatever reason. There are lots who walk out. Both requires a lot of courage and sacrifice.
    Don't belittle any of those choices. I really empathise with you. You have two hard choices to choose between. Both are not easy but unfortunately that's what it is. There is no changing it.

    I had a typical arranged marriage. I'm pretty sure we were not in love with each other from the get go. We took a while to get there. Initially we were just two very compatible roomies. Then we became best friends and the love happened somewhere in between without us realising. I'm pretty convinced that no couple in an arranged marriage are truly in love right at the beginning but I'm sure a strong marriage needs a very compatible couple. You need to ask yourself if you see that.
    Staying in SG or US or MBA etc is secondary. I think you should take away too many complex questions and worry about the basic fact via which a relationship survives. Are you compatible or willing to get there to be with each other forever. Only you can decide the answer for that Q
     
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