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How not to take MIL commnets personally

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Meghaa, Sep 18, 2014.

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  1. Sep 18, 2014 #1
    Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Overall MIL is pretty understanding and non - interfering . Every once in a way though she makes some comment - mostly due to cultural/genaration gap or lack of sophistication. LIving in the US long enough kinda tunes us into thinking of certain things as rude/intrusive .. Maybe I would be used to it if I were in India?

    We are TTC but no one knows about it. She keeps saying 'have kids . Then I wont ask anything' - I want to scream! 'Having kids is not something you ask and we grant you. Its about us :( '

    She , her sisters , their kids all have thick long hair. I have shoulder length and they have to be in layers to show some volume! Last week we were talking about school days - plaits etc and she said ' oh you dint have hair even then'
    Today I was WFH and hair was a little greasy. Not wanting to wash too much , i just plaited it up. Now she says 'oh the plait is not at all good . it looks so thin' UGh .. I know a thing or to about being presentable. duh!

    These things sting more coz I guess they are things that are already bothering you and you dont need others to remind you. But Indians parents ( even my Mom says such things and she is even worse) just dont get it.

    The other day I threw away a plastic container since it was broken ( a little bit at one edge) . She saw it in the dust bin , and instinctively picked it up and started looking for the damage! I walked up and pointed the damage and for the first time made a comment ( on in laws) that 'she is making sure DIL isnt wasting money' jokingly. I believe hubby and FIL told her that she crossed the line when I wasnt around. But those things dont bother me.
    But kids/looks/hair/clothes a re personal and stings. I just yell at my mother or give smart ass answers to others. But I just smile at MIL/FIL since peace is more important and they are mostly nice.
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2014
    Meghaa, Sep 18, 2014
    Meghaa, Sep 18, 2014
    #1
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  2. Sep 18, 2014 #2
    Afterunion

    Afterunion Senior IL'ite

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    Since they are mostly nice to you, you have to learn to ignore little things. Sometimes, by all means, give a witty answer back. You don't have to feel the sting all the time. Learn verbal defense. Learn to defend yourself. But as much as possible, ignore and avoid... That's the mantra.
     
    Afterunion, Sep 18, 2014
    Afterunion, Sep 18, 2014
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  3. Sep 18, 2014 #3
    JigsSM

    JigsSM Silver IL'ite

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    Yes Meghaa... peace is really important and i can understand how difficult it is to keep quiet when we are staying toggether with our IL. Few things are same with me like kids/office/work. But come on, few things are real personal. There are situation when we just cannot ignore and few things we say away unknowingly. Since they are nice, its ok for you to ignore but if you really think things are going beyond, you can show tit for tat things. all the best dear.
     
    JigsSM, Sep 18, 2014
    JigsSM, Sep 18, 2014
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  4. Sep 18, 2014 #4
    pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op,

    Every one of us have our share of defects .And people around us live by ignoring our small irritating habits.So we too should contribute our share.

    More over your MIL too seemed to be genuinely worried about your hair and the non arrival of the grand child.If she had known about TTC problems she wouldnt have asked you this many times.

    Your MIL is another mom to you (if they are loving)so bear with her comments and god will bless you for that.

    TTC is a stressful period may be you get extra touchy during that period.Relax dear

    BEST WISHES AND PRAYERS
     
    pear, Sep 18, 2014
    pear, Sep 18, 2014
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  5. Sep 18, 2014 #5
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Op...since you wrote that mil is other wise ok...how about just letting her know that her comments about your hair hurt your feelings as you are sensitive about them......do it politely.
    As for TTC....I personally believe..people should not interfere...but Indian mil's are made of different stuff.If they don't ask about such things .,...their mouth will start rusting.So just tell her you are trying and you will let her know when it happens.
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2014
    yellowmango, Sep 18, 2014
    yellowmango, Sep 18, 2014
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  6. Sep 18, 2014 #6
    kanthtx

    kanthtx Gold IL'ite

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    its just a part of dealing with elders.. they will be rude and crude.. but u have to be political in dealing with them...
     
    kanthtx, Sep 18, 2014
    kanthtx, Sep 18, 2014
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  7. Sep 19, 2014 #7
    Grihani

    Grihani Gold IL'ite

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    Excuse my comments, but OH GOD...please "God will bless you for being nice to MIL"? ...This is how women were made to be 'obedient' to in-laws and husbands, this is how we tolerate their nonsense, being Sati-Savitri, Seeta...etc etc. Wrong is wrong, regardless of who does that. Age, relation, status nothing matters here.
     
    Grihani, Sep 19, 2014
    Grihani, Sep 19, 2014
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  8. Sep 19, 2014 #8
    pantu

    pantu Gold IL'ite

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    They are good people except some here and there . So ignore those little things. TTc
    is really stressful so concentrate on that only.
     
    pantu, Sep 19, 2014
    pantu, Sep 19, 2014
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  9. Sep 19, 2014 #9
    Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    Hey ur dh and FIL are on the look out for ur interests, thats a good sign, maybe u can ask ur husband to say the next time she comments on ur looks, that you dont feel gud abt it ! If ur dh says then maybe she might stop !!
     
    Weasly, Sep 19, 2014
    Weasly, Sep 19, 2014
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  10. Sep 19, 2014 #10
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Yelling and smiling are both responses that will leave you stressed out. Try giving a blank questioning look, and have an expression as if you are seriously trying to analyze what they just said.

    That will mostly cause them to repeat what they said, explain it, and themselves see the silliness of it. Sometimes, just the silence will echo their comment to them, and they might get the message.
     
    Rihana, Sep 19, 2014
    Rihana, Sep 19, 2014
    #10
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