How much would you like your husband fixing you?

keerthi · Jun 24, 2007

Dear Friends,

I see here many of you post different problems and difficult times in your life. I never wanted to be posting one, but time and fate never let me go. I am here to post about the difficult times I am going through. I am not here to complain about anyone. I am only here to share my agony and get some suggestions with friends whom I don't know face-to-face. Sometimes that's better than sharing it with relatives or friends we know the most.

I got married (it's a love+arranged marriage) and came here to the US a few years ago. Myself and my husband love each other still (no doubts) and we have been leading a happy and peaceful life until a year back. A year back we were blessed with a baby, my in-laws came for help and we had to go through some rough patches - they being new to the place, seeing me and my husband live together so closely for the first time, wanting more attention and myself coping with post pregnancy, hormonal problems, etc. My husband really struggled balancing between both of us and only he was a real support to me when I was facing some post pregnancy problems like feeling overwhelmed and sad.

Recently, we went to hometown on a short vacation and came back. Vacation wasn't that nice for us. I should say my difficult times started during the vacation and it is being carried over. My in-laws saw lots of things wrong with me. Myself being a little sensitive and a person with temper, was easily at fault though my intentions in many cases were not wrong. I thought I was careful and handling things smoothly with my in-laws, but looks like it was not the case. When my husband joined us in the later part of the vacation he seem to have heard a lot of negatives about me - especially that I seem to get angry easily, I react if I am upset, I am not adjusting well with the family members. I do loose my temper easily with my husband at times and with my parents, for I always think I have that freedom with them. I have definitely been very careful with my in-laws but my husband says it has come involuntarily in different situations with them too.

These things have gone deep into my husband's mind for he has got with contexts from my in-laws whenever they found me wrong. So he is here now to fix me :icon_frown:. I am not saying I will not accept my mistakes, I am ready to correct myself if it is really wrong (I mean if my intentions were wrong), I try to adjust with the family members. Can I take the blame for someone misunderstanding my actions and deeds? It deeply hurts. Especially when my husband tries to fix me repeatedly.

My husband claims that if one person in the family had found fault with me, he would have left like that. But since all the members of his family found fault with me, he believes I definitely need to be fixed. I have an attitude problem. I am not taking things lightly and willing to change. He says all these years when we were ourselves, he too saw my temper problem but just let it go for he wanted to adjust for his wife. Now since everyone is seeing a problem with me, I need to change. They expect me to stay smiling and happy inspite of them finding fault with me. I should not be expressive of my feelings - when I am sad and upset I should never show it in my face. Isn't it human to express one's feelings? When someone feels bad that others are seeing them wrong won't they express it? How do we hide it? It is not possible for everyone everytime to be thick skinned isn't it?

When myself and my husband argued about this at a few instances I busted out my sadness into tears. He doesn't like that too, for he feels I am making both of our lives sad. He expects me to accept it as thrown on me and just adapt to be seen the best. He says being a woman I just cry out but he isn't able to being a man. He feels I am taking the small problems too far. If only I just accept whatever they tell about me and try to adapt to it everything will be fine.

My co-sister too had gone through some difficult times initially adjusting with my in-laws. But it seems she was patient and receiving everything well. She is always quoted as a benchmark and the same is expected out of me. Aren't people different? Can everyone be the same or made to be the same?

My husband believes and loves joint family system. I am also not against joint family system. But he thinks if I don't accept and adapt to the changes they want to see in me, we will stand alone as a nuclear family. Nobody would want us with them. That's his main worry and the reason for trying to fix me quickly. I am only unhappy with what he is doing, but I never want to hurt him or make him feel sad. I wish we pass through this situation easily.

I am really feeling heavy that I instantly shed tears when I think about it. I used to be such a strong person before marriage. I never used to cry even if it warrants. But now for the past few days my life mostly is tears.

Tell me, friends, from what I have explained do you all see there is an attitude problem with me? Am I making myself and my life unhappy? Do I need a fix? Should my husband go by what others have told about me and try fixing me?

Keerthi

sravugarimella · Jun 24, 2007

Hi Keerthi,

It was really hard for me to look at your situation and leave it without posting a reply. First of all I know it must be a completely difficult situation for you, from your point of view. Till now since your marriage you and your husband have been living independantly and never had to worry about in-laws as you were abroad. So you never had a chance to properly mingle with other family members of your husband and vice-versa. And this is the cause for the problem, now that they have seen you how you are Gracious, independent (this is what I am assuming you are from your text) may be they are intimidated. All this happens because of the generation gap..beleive me most of the mil and dil stuff can be avoided with a positive mind set. There is no wrong if they expect you to behave in a way so that you can be adoptable to the family. And it is mainly the dil responsibility to bend down sometimes if that is what the situation asks for. I am not saying that you should keep quiet if there is a mental/physical harassment.. I am just saying that there is no harm if you just adapt some of the new characteristics to become a part of new family. And maily to have a Forgive and forget attitude, otherwise life will become miserable.. and specially now as you a blessed with a cute little baby dont let all this stuff come into your mind..spend some postive time with her.. and when you are with your in-laws learn to be part of that family wholeheartedly for sometime and remeber you are not going to stay with them all the time..so live the rest of your life happily.. Its a difficult situation for you but just be patient..At the end of the day thats what life is isn't it --Learning new things alltrough ur life.. So be positive and enjoy your wonderfull life..

I am sorry IF this has hurt you or this is not what you were looking for.. Bi

padmamadhavan · Jun 24, 2007

Hi keerthi,

Don't worry bcoz u r not alone in this. Each and every married women will face the same situation like u. My advise is to stop worrying and enjoy life.
Forget about inlaws. Even if u change how u behave now and keep smiling always , they wont b satisfied. They will find a new problem with u.

Be who you are and speak what you feel bcoz those who matter never mind and those who mind never matter. I read this quote from this site and its really good if we follow in our daily life. So do things which will make you happy. Life is short. Concentrate on ur kid. Also these difficult times wont last long.
In tamil theres a saying "ellam nanmaikkae" means what ever happens is good.
keep that in mind. Cheer up.

Padma.

Padmash · Jun 24, 2007

hi Keerthi,

you said husband fixing you, no its not fixing. when u were independent u were always happy now u r with in laws so some changes will be there as ur in laws are seeing their son close to his wife too much as u have posted. in such condn in laws really sometimes try to create such things which makes both of u to think different so its in ur hand now. i think u r not going to stay for a long time with in laws, if so then change urself u may not like but here condn is against u as ur husband pointed u that u were like this when u were with him. in joint family its not easy to maintain with everyone so at least ur mil and husband shouldn't complain against u , son's are more attached to mother so try to make mil happy. u said u have attitude problem, truely speaking if u want to continue in joint family system u have throw that away by urself don't let other's point towards ur attitude. slowly u try before things get worst u ammned it by urself bcoz u r not going to live with them always for time being then u enjoy ur life, but if u change at least ur husband will always be good to you.

bye
padma

Sriniketan · Jun 25, 2007

If you want a happy and peaceful family, it is in your hands. There is a proverb which says that 'women can make or mar' a situation. It applies to the other party too.
Don't think of it as 'fixing', take it as an oppurtunity to 'adjust' yourself to the present situation and make your husband happy. You are going to live with the inlaws only during the vacation. Why can't you adjust? It is like give and take. If you are willingly to sacrifice some of your qualities for the betterment of the family, you will in return get a happy and peaceful life.
If you think that in-laws are just making-it up, don't worry. If that is the situation, and if you change and make your husband happy, he will in meantime appreciate your qualities and support you. This is what we want.
Moreover , husband is the first guy you know in their family.
When you are angry and it is in its peak, you are helpless and you cry.
Adjusting is the best tool for husband and wife to make the family run peacefully.
All the best
Sriniketan

Ria2006 · Jun 26, 2007

Husband fixing you ...:idontgetit:
Are n't we suppose to fix husband :mrgreen: ?
On more serious note.. Few suggestions..

1. Dont take anything too deep to your heart.. Listen everything patiently, be receptive and dont argue about it.. Then implement whatever you can.. and leave whatever you cannot..

2. I am telling you.. Admitting mistakes doesn't make anyone smaller.. It only shows strength of character for person doing it.. So just go ahead and very verbally accept your mistake to your in-laws too.

3. I am a believer in tact and smartness in marriage. I think half of our problems will be gone.. If we just could see beyond our present and be more tactful.

4. Even parents also point fingers sometime for us. We never mind that.. So why In-laws pointing finger is bad.. Just take it easy..

5. Your husband seems like a sensitive and sensible person. If you argue with him over it.. He will only be more defensive and more hurt.. Just accept everything verbally and implement whatever you can.

6. We girls, often handle all the issues with our heart. Thats ' why we get so drained. While 90% issues in day to day life needs just objective handling.. Nothing more than that.. Anytime your husband says.. You shud do it this way.. Just give him a hug.. And tell him.. u wud.. Simple. No arugments , no hurts. Make it a rule to only take 10% issues to your heart. And you will realise how trivial and unimportant these things were..

Hope this helps.
Ria

Shanvy · Jun 26, 2007

Dear keerthi,

Buck up! everybody goes through difficult phases. Some are brought on us by ourselves, some due to unavoidable situations.

as there are lot of advice to you regarding how to cope up.

I would rather say, just forget that ur husband is fixing you up (I really can't understand the terms we are not some machines!!!)
Relax. Relax. Relax - then try to do a self analysis. this really helps. you may understand other's angle/perspective. whether you want to change/not change is your own decision.
Don't take everything too personal and emotional. be strong.

you will come out of it very well. One last word, we cannot be good to all, we may be bad for a few, that happens and is very common in today's world. Be true to your heart and to the people whom you dearly love. Everything else will fall in place. (Finding faults, giving advice is the easiest thing in the world:tongue)

Will really pray and wish that you come out of it easily.

Love
shanthi

Rekha2007 · Jun 28, 2007

Hi Keerthi,

U wish to co-operate with ur in-Laws.
It shows ur respect with them.

I think they ar not understanding how a nice person u are.
I think they have some problem.
I hope they dont have a good attitude on u.
So that they ar making with ur husband to think that u have to correct all things and such that.

U said u ar crying.
when people will cry.When they loose their confidence.
u should not. because u have got a loving husband. u have to take care of urself and ur family.
We cant satisfy all the people around us.
so we have to leave them because
It will help us much more to build a good career and new achievments in ur life.

Take care!

Cheers
Rekha.

Sumathy · Jul 6, 2007

Hi,

I could easily identify with one part in your experience - getting emotional and having low fuse after the first kid is born! Partly harmonal and partly because of circumstances. Especially for women who are used to being independant and who want to be accepted for what they are. Also, for couples who are used to living alone, managing a baby itself is stressful and to top that, if there are in-laws, there are bound to be some issues.

I just want to say here that you need to believe that it is not an attitude problem. Accept your husband's feedback and think about it when you are cool and calm. I guess we need a lot of unequivocal support from the husband post-partum and later we start taking that 'unequivocal' part for granted. If you tell yourself that his love is still there and dissociate the 'fixing' part from his love, may be you will be able to handle it better.

Finally, learn to let go sometime - even with feedback - you can only change so much!

And regarding the crying part, believe me, it definitely increases after child birth, for whatever reasons!!

Cheers,

Sumathy

Bina · Jul 13, 2007

Keerthi - when I got married initially, I was so sensitive to everything anyone from my husband's side of the family said. There were many tears, may heartaches that I went through, thinking how all of them are out to get me, make me suffer etc etc. Over the years, I came to realize that, if I treat people the way I would like to be treated, my consicous would be clear. Sure, there will still be misunderstandings and not everyone will love me for who I am, but at the end of the day, I would be peaceful and happy in my life, knowing I did the right thing. Things that at that time for me looked so huge, almost like a matter of life and death now appear insignificant. Once I started practicing my philosophy of treat others like you would want to be treated with my inlaws, I was more peaceful, and over time, they started realizing that although I am very different than them, I have good intentions and I do not hurt people and I do not ask them to change anything for me and they started appreciating my uniqueness.

I am not trivalizing your situation, I am just telling you about my experience. Living my life with principales, not just good intentions, but executing to my principles, has allowed me the freedom to be who I am but realizing other people's uniqueness/differences, and understanding where they come from, helps me ajust my behavious to ensure they my actions donot misrepresent my intentions. Being calm in a difficult situation and not taking everything to heart is the golden rule I strive to live by, I wish I knew that years ago, I could have saved myself lot of tears, over things that now seem so minor.

I hope you can get something out of my post, because, belive me, when you are bit older and wiser, you too will think over some of your actions and wonder why you were so sensitive..just like I do now
Take Care