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How Much Is Too Much?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SGBV, Oct 29, 2019.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Ours was a close knit family. We siblings were very much connected, and standing by each other all the times.
    Nothing changed from childhood to 2013 till my brother got married. In fact, my marriage or my sister's marriage did not change this equation as we siblings were connected together with our spouses as one unit. But, unfortunately our SIL did not fit this gang. She was very much different, and no amount of adjustment did help. She felt threatened by the very presence of us and resorted to ugly ways to separate us.
    Therefore, we decided to maintain the relationship cordially; hence stopped interfering or even knowing the details of their family (brother's family) since their marriage. This way, the relationship sustained really good. Most of the time, it is our mother, who plays this referee role by making sure I and my sister forgive and let go whatever our SIL does, so that our brother lives with peace. Mom even criticizes and shuts us to prevent any foreseeable conflicts; hence we distanced ourselves from our brother's family emotionally a lot. Even then, we still had a commendable physical connections, and gather as family every now and then.

    On the other hand, I and sister together with both families share an amazing bond till date - touch wood.

    Now that, my brother's daughter has been diagnosed with Leukemia - which shattered all of us. Regardless of everything, we stood strong as one unit, and helped brother and SIL at this grieving time. We took time off from our official duties to take turn in their hospital stay, and even shared a lot of money with them, so that they feel emotionally OK at least to some extend.
    SIL is not much educated, and not much exposed and not really understood the depth of this illness. Therefore, brother is unable to connect or share his stress and grieve with her it seems.
    My brother depends so much on us- siblings & BILs, to research and know details of Leukemia, as this is still a shock to all of us. We too help us through all our contacts, and discuss with brother on every step that he took regarding this child. It seems it may take upto 4 years to clear this problem completely, and there is still 80% chance of complete recovery. But relapse after that is still a question mark.

    Nevertheless, SIL and her family doesn't like our intervention at all. They feel disheartened and furious about our re-connections and again resorted to the same ugly ways to create frictions between us.
    Like, giving conflicting information against us to brother & all. I don't feel like sharing the details of the problems here.
    Now that, with the heaviness in his heart and tension due to the kid, my brother is unable to think properly. It seems he has taken his wife's side which we could perfectly understand.

    Though it pains a lot, specially when you hear negative comments from brother for all your sacrifices and good intentions, we felt like staying far away from them. So that, he feels at least peaceful to focus more on the child.
    We gave him the message that no matter what, we are here to help him either physically or financially at any given time.

    Now that, the question is how long we should grieve and lose the normalcy of our lives for this matter? I mean, for the diagnosis and progress of our niece?
    We have been given clear signals like this is the boundary and this is where we should remain etc.. Its ok. But what's next?

    Like, for the past 3 months we have not been happy as family. Not eaten out, or gone for a movie or spent quality time with family because we have been always prioritizing brother's issue and feeling sad for them.
    We did not celebrate DD's birthday, H's promotion or our church feast or diwali this time. (Read, my H is Hindu and we celebrate all the festivals)
    In fact, we were offered a family package to BKK recently, but we declined it due to this.

    Since I live far from home for work, and visit family only on weekends we normally celebrate our weekends to compensate the time lost away from home. These little happiness give us the needful boost to face the challenging weeks ahead. Now that, compromising our little little happiness makes it extra difficult, specially to stay away for both myself and kids/H. Kids specially are nagging since they don't really understand how long we should grieve.

    However, trying to be a little cozy (like eating out or watching a movie etc) makes mom upset, as she thinks we are being selfish.
    She on the other hand doesn't even dye her hair or goes anywhere by thinking or pretending to be sad all the time. Because she thinks, if we behave otherwise, SIL would project it negatively and further distance our brother from us.

    But I am at a stage where I don't wanna be the only adjusting person to make sure everyone likes me. Rather I am OK even if no one likes me.

    PS: My sister lives far away and we only know/hear about what's happening at her home through what she chose to tell/share.
    She might celebrate her kids' birthdays and go out etc... and she deserves that too.
    But not necessarily she would share all that with us or mom, specially knowing the fact that it can be judged.

    Since I stay with mom, I have this problem though I don't care.

    Just that, i am little worried whether it is OK or not, though I am sure I can't extensively be happy when one of my own blood is suffering in another corner. But I too need a break for my own sake and I need to move on.

    What say you ladies????
     
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  2. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    @SGBV Life must go on!

    I can only say this statement!
    Can't be of much help in giving an exact solution to your dilemma.

    But this too shall pass for your brother and life must go on for you.
     
  3. Afresh

    Afresh Gold IL'ite

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    Hi @SGBV

    I think from your above statements that you are forcing yourself to display a behaviour on the outside which may not be consistent with how you view the situation, and are also concealing the real reactions. The major propelling thoughts that emerge from you on this are coming from a guilt-ed mindset , which maybe ( as you yourself realise) coming from your mother's thinking on this development of events.
    However, I think if you would think unhindered by expectations , you would see that naturally your empathy is enough for the affected people ( which includes you too) and any natural reactions thereof would only meet the objectives that you so wish to meet with this altered behaviour. This forced restraint is causing unnecessary unpleasantness that is unleashing on your own self.
    If you actually do so much of holding back it would only accumulate to bitterness within, thereby in some time robbing you of your genuine shared feelings of sorrow with your brother's family.
    Infact, as a matter of good medical practice, all experts always advise the immediate families and caretakers of patients to create an environment ,as much as possible, of normalcy for sound mental health and positivity ( especially more for the patients).
    Similarly , if you would be able to take out time for your regular activities for your own family, then only you would be able to actually be of support to your brother's family in this instance.
    Yes, a balance has to be maintained and boundaries of what others will endure of hearing of all such activities needs to be maintained. That discretion is best decided by you , if your honest self has good and only positive feelings/wishes for your extended members of the family.
    In the end , the heart matters more than anything else to everyone !
     
    sindmani, SGBV, Anusha2917 and 2 others like this.
  4. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    I agree with afresh above. It looks like you are putting u[p a different face than what is actually going on. May be you just stick to what is real and just that and let people talk whatever they want and don't care about it. Your brother's family is in a difficult situation and it is even more sensitive since a child is involved.
    Considering you work-life situation, it is not healthy to be sad always. Yes, the family has a pressing issue, but growing up, kids need their attention and love. I do not think having your family time is some how being inconsiderate to your brother's family. You can hold off on the big celebrations for now, do small things at home as a family. Only you can fulfill you family's needs. No need to feel guilty for it.
     
    SGBV, Anusha2917 and SinghManisha like this.
  5. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    The problem here is the mother. Who thinks you should be in grief when brother suffers.
    Blame the oldage. Nothing we could do here, because she won't understand you work far from kids, husband. Your mind is here with them. She will think I'm taking care of kids and household, why bothering etc etc.

    Tell mom you worry and pray for your brother and the child.
    1) arrange prayer meetings for the niece.
    2) arrange family dinner as well.
    3) eating out / watching movie / going to shop is inevitable.
    4) daily call brother enquire about kids health, next set of medicine, suggest better doctors. because of sil don't stop. Call brother in presence of mom whenever you can.
    When away ask mom as well about the kid.
    5) convey mom that your kids need a happy family. They shouldn't worry why mom is unhappy , when they get to see her once in 2 months. That's cruel.
    6) go to parks with kids and husband. Let mom go to church or meet her friends.
    7) just being gloomy won't solve anything. Being happy creating happiness makes life better and positive. Yes it's tough when a child is sick and battling. But once make mom understand that it's half solved.
    8) if possible make your mom to stay in brother's place for few days when you're on vacation or Christmas.. she would understand better.
    9) I knew a child 9 yrs old blue ink marked on his ears , I knew he is going under chemo . He was playing happily in the park. 2 yrs later he became 100% normal . Now he is attending 12 th!!!
    His parents, family friends, school every body made sure he is normal. He would ask me ride in my scooty. No gloomy face. No sad saying. No crying.
     
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2019
  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @SGBV - No inputs per say but have to say this. Your mom is also acting like a MIL yaar. I think when people age they do become stubborn and child like. My MIL has her mom with her and almost every call, doesn’t forget to tell me that she’s just so hard to please these days and there are no regrets that MIL is no more. Mom is filling in the role nicely. This post of yours made me think of those conversations. I empathize with you. She has done a lot for you over the years and so it isn’t easy for you to ignore her wishes and brush her off so easily. Especially at this age. I hope you find a middle ground.
     
    SGBV, Amulet and shravs3 like this.
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you everyone for your suggestions - I appreciate you all :)

    Exactly... As I grow old, and become very much exposed to different people, I learn a lot about life. That's why it is getting tougher and tougher to put up with small minded people and their thoughts on a daily basis as before.

    My mom of course a best mom for me at many levels. But as a person, she is very insecure, fragile and confused. Blame her age, her dependency, her traditions etc.
    She is so carried away with things that people inject to her ears. Now a days, her focus is all about her son. She is highly worried about 2 things simultaneously about her son.
    1- His health, his happiness and his well being specially after the diagnosis
    2- His sudden closeness with his in laws family and the way how he chose to take their side against all of us. Perhaps he is confused, he is getting carried away... don't know. This is not the time to analyse all this. Even if he chose to take their side and stick with them, it is fine. But mom is overtly worried, and wanted to make it a point that she too is concerned for him. Instead of fighting like other MILs for her place, she silently tries her best to prove she is the best mom by showing up a sad face, cry tone, gloomy life before brother.
    For her, it is important that her son recognizes her love, and she is being a child by acting so. But the issue is that she expects the same from me as if my brother's second mom. She expects me to act or even behave like a complete loser before brother, so that he knows I care. What nonsense is this.

    I can't hurt her anymore. I already feel guilt for hurting her so much by trying to prove myself a lot in the past. Now that, I care nothing. I ignore and act as I want.
    Just that, I was a bit guilt and confused whether I am on the right path or not. Hence required a validation from you all wonderful ladies.
    Thanks much
     
  8. minn1

    minn1 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi SGBV,
    I have read about your relation with your mom before also.somewhere i feel you are facing syndroms of 'Daughters of narcissist mothers'.Though your mother may be loving and all that.she smothers you and somewhere you are always overly sensitive about .learn to distance from her.what if something happens in ur family .your sanity is also important.you are also ageing .you also deserve happiness.Learn not to give into her childishness always but better dont argue with her you cant win and you will fall into guilt even further.just be silent and try to arrange some fun outside with your famuly without ypur mothers knowledge .keep it a secret,she need not know everything regarding your family
     

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