How much economic help should a married woman provide to her husband and in laws ?

GeethaMR · Jul 20, 2009

Friends, this is my first post on IL. I have been reading this site for the past six months and have wondered why did i not find it earlier ? I will be getting tied in the bliss of matrimony in a few months from now. I currently live with my family which consists of my mother and father and mu elder brother and SIL, We are basically middle class with my SIL working in a job. We have no issues and i feel like the absence of my blood sister has been fulfilled (touch wood) Both my brother and SIL contribute to the household expenditures, my parents being retired and completed their duties and brought us up wonderfully. These little things you realise when you yourselves grow up.... Since i will be getting married shortly, i have a small query in my mind. How much should a married woman should contribute to her husband and ILs? When we had a discussion, my fiance made me most comfortable by saying that it is your wish. Similarly my brother and SIl as well as parents have expressed the asme concerns. I can clearly understand that i will contribute somethingto my Ils family and do not wish to financially affect them. At the same time i wish to contribute to mu own family as well Since we are all essentially in the same boat at some time of life, and many members have crossed this point in their journey of life, wish to ask you the same question : 1. How much do you contribute to your ILs? Is it any fixed amount or varying? 2.Has it caused any problems, if any ? Requesting all members to reply. If you are a MIL/mother please do reply . Your reply will be most treasured as well like my mother's.. Thanks

Rihana · Jul 21, 2009

Re: How much economic help should a married woman provide to her husband and in laws

Geetha,

Welcome aboard! A good question for your first ever post here!

I am sure there will be many detailed responses. Here are a few points that come to mind:

1. After marriage, all money and investments belong to you and your husband together. If you help his family or yours, you will be doing it jointly, or should be doing it jointly.

2. You need to talk with your fiance/husband, and get some things clear. Are you both going to be helping parents on a regular basis? Or only need based? Do the parents need it?

3. From my experience of over 10+ years, I would suggest not to ever get into "I did, so he can" or "He helped, so I want to help too". There are many more issues in marriage other than financial help to parents, and any perceived inequality in helping parents can be made up in other issues.

4. This may be a good time to also visit the issue of what if you stop working after kids. Don't think that time is far away. Time flies. Around the time, most women start to think of whether they want to quit work to be a stay-at-home-mom, their own parents also are much older, and often more in need of help. Discussing this upfront helps much later in life.

5. Will you people be staying with his parents?

6. How much help do his parents need? How much help do your parents need? How much help do each set of parents want or expect?

You mentioned "Similarly my brother and SIl as well as parents have expressed the same concerns." What concerns have your parents and brother/SIL expressed?

There is no simple answer to your question. It depends on so many things. In my case, my in-laws never needed financial help except on 2 or 3 occasions. My family on the other hand needed much more. I could help them as I wanted, but it did take some frank speaking and periodic heart-to-heart discussions with my husband. This "inequality" where I helped my family more than him got compensated in that I have put up with a fair amount of nonsense from in-laws in the early years of marriage. So, it was give and take between my husband and me.

Rihana

behappyalways · Jul 21, 2009

Re: How much economic help should a married woman provide to her husband and in laws

Hi

This most common issue/doubt for a new bride before going to inlaws place.
i almost agreeb with Richan, it depends on the your/your husband's understanding/commitment.
Coming to my situation, We do help to our inlaws and my parents also in need basis.
one of my closest friend could not help her parents.
So, first you have a dicussion with your husaband and come to one conclusion.
You clearly mention that you want to help your parents after marriage.
So, the open discussion leads to good finacial planning and creates good understanding between you and your husband before going together in life.

All the best.

Behappyalways

GeethaMR · Jul 21, 2009

Re: How much economic help should a married woman provide to her husband and in laws

Thank you Rihana!

Completely emphatise with your response.
Points 1- 4 : Fully agree.

5. Will you people be staying with his parents?
Yes.

6. How much help do his parents need? How much help do your parents need?
By the grace of God, there is no special "need" as such.
Brother-SIL are taking fine care of all things.

However, i wish to create a safe corpus for my parents so that they can use it as and when needed. Like how our parents bring us up, without we even realisnig that parenting is such a tough job! When we grow up and face the realities of life, we realise the facts and sacrifices of our parents. In fact, all parents strive hard to bring their kids up :bowdown

So the thought that i should secure the economic needs if any.
Of course the bond of a parent - child is independent of all such things and it should always be so

thanks for sharing your experiences! The immense valuable experiences and opinions are the reason i feel that why did i discover this site so late!

GeethaMR · Jul 21, 2009

Re: How much economic help should a married woman provide to her husband and in laws

Behappyalways, thanks! I also try to be happy always !

Even i feel this is one of the most common issue facing new brides!

Your suggestion of open discussion is indeed the best.
You have helped your parents and ILs whenever they needed you. Please accept my :bowdown

Thank you for your suggestions and feedback

arthidiva · Jul 21, 2009

Re: How much economic help should a married woman provide to her husband and in laws

Hey Geetha,

Me and my DH live with my PILs in their house (with PILs) so we took household expenses as our responsibility. Before we got married, we decided to give a certain amount to my PILs for household expenses. It is not my full responsibility... we both pool in our salaries and give that amount from there.. From day one we have been doing that.. They dont tell us how much it costs to run the house.. so we assume the expenses and give them an amount without being asked. Sometimes when my salary is going to be used for my / our yearly investments, my DH takes this amount solely from his salary and not touch mine..

With respect to helping my parents, my dad is still earning so so far there was never a need for me to help them financially, but now and then I just give some money to my mom saying to keep it aside safely for me to use later.. otherwise she wouldn't take it from me..

As you are getting married soon, Rihana's ideas are like a checklist for you. Include one more thing - If you are willing to contribute a certain amount to the ILs then before wedding whenever it is appropriate, talk to your fiance about Joint account where you will put an agreed amount and keep the rest in your individual accounts for your own expenses/ future, savings, invest for your parents, etc.