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How Much Do Parents Shape Sibling Relationships?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Rihana, Dec 18, 2024.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    1) How much do parents affect the relationship between siblings as they grow up?

    2) If parents caused tension, conflict, or misunderstanding between siblings, is it up to the now-adult siblings to mend things and resolve it?

    3) How does the relationship between siblings change after parents are gone, especially when they’re in their 40s and older?

    Share your thoughts on any or all of the above.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I came across a quote that perfectly captures it: parents write the script, while siblings spend the rest of their lives reciting it.

    Parental favoritism, especially if it persists into adulthood and goes unacknowledged, makes it difficult for siblings to move past it. The rifts in the relationship become too deep to mend. While it’s possible for siblings to rewrite the script, the sadness and unresolved feelings often linger.
     
  3. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    We siblings have a complex relationship with our parents and it is hard to explain.
    As the eldest child, I was raised to be responsible and to carry the family's pride on my shoulder all the time. I was never pampered or liked by my parents, but was loved and protected well.
    Contrastingly, my brother had all the freedom while growing up. It is not that he was favoured for his gender, but luckily he shared the facial features, and same wavelength as my mother, who was the family's decision maker that time.
    She tend to agree everything my brother says and does. It still continues... She genuinely believe her son, and often stand by him no matter what. At the same time, she would question everyone, and generally she doesn't trust anyone easily.
    This would make our lives harder.

    Growing up, while we confronted to prove ourselves to be validated every time, our brother learned to take advantage of mom's blind trust on him and enjoyed life.
    But, moving into adulthood, my siblings started to look up to me for who I am and shared genuine love for each other. Especially all of us were able to move past mom's perception about us. Till date my mom genuinely believes my brother is most capable of doing things the perfect way, and he is always right, where as both myself and my sister as well as our spouses are prone to mistakes and need constant supervision. All her talks and demeanour proves her belief, which is irritating.

    However, none of us believe that, So we make fun of her blind trust and continue our relationship, which is always rock solid.
     
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  4. kaluputti

    kaluputti Platinum IL'ite

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    @Rihana A good post. relevant only for the 90s kids may be because after that there was more of 1 child norm with the advantage of getting all the love & attention(???) from parents. First of all I totally disagree with the fact that some one else, be it parents or any one can influence the relationships between two people, more so between siblings. This is with every relationship not only between siblings. This is again not taking up responsibility for one's own actions and looking for a scapegoat.

    It is the immaturity, clouded thinking, jealousy (which no one will own up) and what not during the childhood, that gets accumulated ( once smitten, twice suspicion) and makes the children put on those specific glasses to look through.. People continue relationships in spite of parents disapproval. Both parties are the same I mean, parents and children, daughter or son. What makes the difference then children judging the parents when it comes to siblings?

    Human mind is so complex and at times survival instinct turns to 'one-upmanship' even with sibling . Not attuned to look inside for reasons, we blame the outside elements, parents being the immediate target. Actually parents are perplexed about the change of this relationship scenario from childhood to adulthood of their offspring. Like it is easy to blame the wife for every marital issue or family problems it is easy to do so, the parents, when it comes to siblings issues. Not shedding the insecurities of the childhood once we become adults is a major factor. A lot of issues 'between the siblings' during the growing up years influence their relationship as adults later. But what prevents the siblings to actually 'grow up' and start seeing things differently?
     
  5. sln

    sln Finest Post Winner

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    This is the right question for me.I am the eldest of ten.I wish to recall a scene which is still etched in my memory even though it happened 60 years ago.My periappa was sitting in an easy chair.My father was sitting in a chair and my chittappa was squatting on the floor.They were engaged in a joyful conversation on their childhood memories.I immediately thought that as the eldest it would be my duty to hold the family together. Iam very happy to tell you that at this age[the youngest is 65] we are a close knit family inspite of ladies creating some problem or other.Today my sisters in law[5 of them]are my sisters.It was my parents who told the younger ones to consult me and take my opinion.The tradition continues.I have two daughters with age difference of 1 year and 7 months.Still the younger one treats her elder sister almost like her mother.They have to talk to each other atleast twice a day.They are both diametrically opposite each other in all respects.Credtit goes to Mithila for fostering such a wonderful relationship between them.Yes Parents have a lot to do in ensuring a healthy and helpful relationship among siblings.
     
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  6. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    When parents are biased it creates jealousy competition between siblings. It's very healthy. Also some parents manipulate for their own benefits. In last generations this was happening. Hope it won't happen in new generations.
     
  7. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for bringing up, I have been thinking too much on this lately!

    1. Parents have huge influence in relationship between siblings. Especially during childhood and that remains in adulthood in most of the cases.

    2. I think once emotions are damaged, it is quite difficult to repair esp if the pain is coming from a sibling and not some outsider. that relationship needs enormous amount of effort and understanding to fix the damage and it has to be mutual.

    3. I think parents play anchor role of a ship, always being center of the family and stuff and once they are gone the relationship tends to wither unless siblings do not want to.

    I have seen in some family where even the half siblings, adopted siblings do well and that's why I back up my thought that parents play huge role in this.

    However, parents become vulnerable due to their age and health issues and they tend to support one sibling who can support them in their old age despite how well/good the other sibling can be.
    Sometimes the parent's favoritism is personal, only they know the reason and it could be selfish for no reason.
    Sometimes it is due to gender.
    Sometimes parents tend to share a problem of one with another in a casual way and they start a unintentional war.
    These factors causes major rift in the relationship between siblings.

    With great power comes great responsibility - it describes parents role perfectly, but at the end of the day they are humans too. They are tired and mistakes happen. Family is a complex dynamic :) After becoming a parent I see why some wise people choose not to have kids and choose not to get married. I call wise because they very well know what they are capable of and that's a thing I would like my kid to have.
     

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