How much care does my MIL actually need?

My MIL was diagnosed of breast cancer in right breast in November 2013 and we immediately got her mastectomy done. The complete right breast with lymph nodes was removed and now she is undergoing chemotherapies every 21 days and has a pic line for the same. Me and DH have doubts as to what exactly might be her condition, because from the starting follow up, as the physiotherapist told her in visits what all she can do, she should do to make the new muscular joints strong, she does not really do. We don't think she really does the exercises as much as she is instructed to by the doctors. Almost each follow up, doctors tell her that she is not using her arm and hands enough but she keeps insisting I am ...I am... She did not as such do anything at all for 2 and a half months, but after repeated warnings of doctors and when we saw that lot of fat is accumulating on that area (MIL is quite overweight...may be around 90 kg for 5.1 ft of height). Touchwood, she has no other health problems like diabetes, BP or anything else. SHe has always been a foody and would skip chapatis but eat samaosa, malai, namkeens etc. Now that during chemo she has been strictly told not to eat namkeens etc and fruits or anything raw and because of distaste and obvious discomfort due to chemo, she remains quite annoyed during first week after chemo. She says she has no other problem other than not liking the taste of food.
We keep telling her in every possible way to use her arms...she has now started doing little household work or should I say we created the situation that she does at least something to move out of bed. Her diet has increased and so has frequency of eating but there is no exercise, body movements or anything, then how would all that get digested and she complains of gas and bloating. We take complete care for what all she should not be doing during this phase or ever again now, but for many other tasks like making chapatis when for some reason I am not home, or making her bed..she doesn't and says that I will not do...I might get hurt or something will happen..She had asked me to do all those room tasks and washing washroom and all but it wasn't possible for me to handle everything with my office work, neither does she like having maid do tasks..either she'll say they charge much or she b gs them so much that they say no...huhmm..then she asked FIL..he did for a month or so...
My concern is that what is the actual degree of discomfort and till how long she should not be really doing all this. ALthough now she has started doing her washrooms once a month or so. I keep telling DH that may be its difficult for her..he says..she does nothing and thats why her arm is getting restricted, let her bear some pain and do...as the doctor has been saying.
At times I feel guilty, at times I feel...why doesn't she..like making tea...or simply toasting bread for herself..that too she asks FIL to do and she is watching TV. Till now I help her in bathing, she says she cant reach her back and underarms and all, that she doesn't get satisfied. May be once chemos are over and she is out of all this mentally emotionally, all gets better Can anyone guide me on this matter..

Its tough to do her jobs as she will stand by my side and keep instructing all the while. Despite doing almost all work, I get to hear average once a week that I did not pay attention to some or the other task and it got spoilt. She always keeps a drooping face while talking but is almost fine when neighbour aunties come to sit and chat...huhmmm...I just don't want to stress her if it really shouldn't be done, but DH says what all you will do now as a routine will become a lifelong responsibility for you. I feel so confused...ANy suggestions please. Her chemos will be over in April.

 

no replies..no suggestions :-(

 

thx for replying indoc..no shes not taking anything except multivitamins... she has always been the dominating woman of the house. I have a part time maid..she comes 7 in morning does sweeping n utensils and is gone by 9. I had also hired maid for extra help like washrooms n bedsheets...we have 3 washrooms and 3 bedrooms...but either because of MIL's cranky and over instructing behaviour or they find amount less, none stayed. Now since long I do entire house dusting, 2 bedrooms and 2 washrooms myself...leaving in laws.. AN additional problem with me is that I was a patient of brain TB which took more than 2 years and this is say an year and half back, but since then I have had sever joint and back problems and have been totally instructed for absolute no forward bending or can be hazardous. although its not totally avoidable in household and with a kid...but I really moulded my lifestyle, routine, eating habits, exercising. MIL despite her condition, isn't willing to change hers, none can convince her for all that I think as she says doctotrs who tell her all this are stupid, they know nothing about her body...huhmmm...My health restrict me from heavy and bending work and DH tells don't take all responsbilities as you will have to do them always.If you keep doing, she will think that you can do thats why you are doing..He says secondly if I keep doing, MIL will totally get used to a 100% sedentary lifestyle which is no far and this will become too dangerous for her health also. Mann.. she is nearing a 90+ kg and doesn't agree her joint issues are because of weight...

 

DKI...I strongly agree with you...weakness is due to lack of exercise..thats what your doctors and physiotherapists are telling. SHe doesn't even do the exercises instructed specially for this condition by the physio. I agree she has mood swings and I handle them well...I never back answer her, at least not at all rudely, despite her keep saying tit bits about my way of working. Although she now has started doing jobs , because I became shameless enough to leave those or for few ask her on daily basis if she could help me with, when I felt she was fine and sits unnecessarily..like cutting veggies...making veggie for lunch...hanging and taking down washed clothes.
all these were specifically asked by the doctor that she should be doing all these kinds of jobs for her muscular movements but she didn't. And when thrice doctor said she was not adhering to and would create problems for herself, me and dh decided to become bad kids and make her do. And she is very particular about doing only these tasks..nothing extra whatever be the situation at home or me
I'm fine doing all tasks, but then at least she should control her diet and do some other kinds of exercises for her body if not working enough at home. SO, I wanted to know..creating condition for her to do some home tasks which are safe for her..would that be unfair on our part?
Whenever I have to go out alone or with DH, be any time of the day, I complete all task and cook chapatis for them and then go, she says she wont cook...she has been doing it for lifetime and moreover she feels her hands might pain if she tries to. I am working from home and my work hours have drastically reduced...they won't even make the evening tea themselves. Dh wants me to join office sometime next year but I feel I wont be able to cope up. He says once you start moving out, they will start managing by themselves..even those parents do who do not have a son and DIL to serve them. I am not satisfied by this reason somehow.My be I don't want to be the BAD dil.

 

@justmyself...yes she badly falls under that category since day 1 of my marriage, with all those jealousies of wanting to site beside DH, feeding DH the first bite herself..telling me again and again how he used to be dependent upon her before I came and much more...things that used to annoy even DH We have got all exercising material which she doesn't use at all...Dh and I began exercising with her to motivate her but of no use. I think we have been the bigger person since the last few years SHe takes up to tears and cold wars very easily but now to much extent, in laws have become used to us being selfish kids, even though in first few years before we got anything for ourselves, we used to shop for er...we used to go together on trips but she usually had some or the other dissatisfaction, so we slowly dropped all this to limits. I agree I too have made mistakes in first few years but I was emotionally punished enough for those mistakes done out of immaturity or being a new member to the family. Anyways, we have never moulded our concern or respect for them due to any of these reasons...that's what I am sure of and I think that's is what keeps DH to my side.

 

Yes sweetypie..you are right that we need to ignore her crankiness and yes we are successfully doing that. As about exercising, we have tried everything, even doctors have told her the importance, she keeps telling them she does..but being entire day at home, we have not seen her exercise in the order and frequency as required for her arms. We dont mind her chatting, doesn't affect us at all but she is a religious lady, used to go t kirtans regularly but no more does. One reason she says is weakness, other she had lovely thick hair.. has lost all :-( thats was indeed too stressful for us and of course her but we convinced her that her hair will grow back once chemo is over and that its not the end. She has seen worst examples and is fine over this. Yes she is emotionally disturbed due to being physically disproportionate now and for that too we keep pampering her...emotionally satisfying her, unlike those dumb relatives who come to only sympathize.
Nothing can change her eating habits I think. FIL has just one motive...keep her happy...She has been the man over him, so you can understand. He will give her ghee paranthas hiding from us. Infinite times we have explained to both of them. SHe is not taking mathhis namkeens fruits during chemo as doctor has strictly stopped but she will definitely get back to them. Otherwise number of rotis, malai butter ghee jaggery..all this has increased and she says to recover she needs diet. Keeping stuff at home or not is not in our hands. They have always been free to buy anything they wish to. DH has been giving them their monthly expenses from the beginning and we do not interfere how they spend it.
All in all, we just can keep patient, may be hoping a little in vain...that after another 3 months, she will start improving healthwise and as for her lifestyle. Because parents being conscious and healthy is important for themselves and for us children too, in all aspects. Isn't it?