How much are you giving to Marriage?

Ria2006 · Dec 20, 2007

Hello All

This thread is inspired by a converstaion with friend. She after telling all said.. "this is what I get after giving my 200% in this marriage?"
I was rather baffled than being empthatic. I asked her , "How can you give 200%. You are just you, I mean I cannot have 48 hours in a day. The same way You cannot give 200% in a marriage."
She replied, "You just dont know, I give 100% to my husband and 100% to my kid.,So it becoms 200%"
It made sense as per her math. But emotions are beyond math and their hurt too.
So I said, You know what your problem lies in your question. Who asked you to give 100% to anyone? You were giving because that was your understanding of being wife and being mother.Now this was her turn to look baffled.

I said. Look I dont have kid, but even to my husband I am not giving my 100%. I am probably giving 60%. And that is enough for our marriage to be happy one. She was like.. Thats cheating. You should your all to a marriage.

See my friends, This is how all of us think. Give your 100% , get drained and get exhausted. While what we decide as our 100% , may be not really 100% for other person. It may be 150% of what they want or 60-70% of what they want.

In Indian context I think we oversupply hugely.

For simple understanding , lets just assume each one of us define our relation of spouse as cup of tea. Somebody 's cup will be of 100ml size, someone's 200ml, and someone's just 20 ml. This cup size is factor of what material is made of, what s the process followed to make it. Now what we do is, we try to give affection/commitment/loyality/obedience/love to our spouse same size of quantity that of our cup. Thats where the problem is. Lets say my cup size is just 100 Ml . And that of my husband is 60ml. And If I try to fill his cup with my cup's content.. Rest 40 ml are bound ot go down the drain. And he s not going to realize it. So as per me, I got drained. As per him, he got overfed.

So I am not saying that withhold your affection, commitment or faith. All I am saying is just spend it gradually and let other person earn it and ask for it. Else we may be just over feeding,

Blondie · Dec 20, 2007

Ria, to be frank most of the problems arise due to lack of all consuming activities. When there are x number of things we are passionate about and in which we are involved in doing most of the time in a day, where does the question of giving our 100%, 200% to our spouses? Me I give about an hour time to my DH (i.e half hour in the morning before the kids come down and half hour in the night before i retire for the day and he hangs back to watch news). Have your own stuff to do or don't give up stuff that you do after marraige. Also each needs to have some personal time to themselves.

rakshantha · Dec 20, 2007

I personally feel that everyone should try and give their maximum luv to their hubbys and child. Of course with child it automatically happens. We cant set limit to luv. It should happen naturally and one should flow along with it. Why set limit and worry whether we are giving more or less. It is like what lord krishna told "Do your duty and dont expect the returns they will automatically come to u". So luv ur hubby as much as u can of course he has to be worth it. I am not asking here to luv those husbands who torture their wives physically and emotionally. This rule applies to the good ones. Relationship issues arises between everyone. Even the most luving husband and wife have their share of fights. But after getting back there is no use withholding luv. At the end of the day u will have the satisfaction that u have done ur best and given ur everything to ur hubby. This is my humble opinion.

Ria2006 · Dec 20, 2007

Thanks for chipping in.
Very practical and honest views. I guess they apply to all of us.

Aarushi · Dec 27, 2007

Hi Ria,

Nice post...

I read the following words by poet Kahlil Gibran in one of Blondie's posts (Hin-Jew Wedding) that I find most appropriate for this topic...I thought I'll share it with you all...

When we talk of love and marriage, this is what Gibran has to say...

"Love one another, but make not a bond of love,

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls,

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup,

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf,

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music,

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping,

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts,

And stand together yet not too near together,

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. "

So beautiful and yet so true. Love the other person whole heartedly but do not forget your own identity in the process. Do not try to do so much for the other person that he/she forgets to do it himself. Enrich each other rather than over power each other.

L, Aarushi

Ria2006 · Dec 27, 2007

Very beautiful and deep words.
I have read Gibran's some poems. And I guess they are classic. He is indeed a very thoughtful poet.
I so agree with every word of the poem. Thanks for enriching this thread.

Cheers
Ria

roopadadia · Apr 25, 2008

I feel the quality is more important than the quantity. Also the equation differs from person to person. It can be in 3 broad categories:

- emotional
- physical
- materialistic

But if we can have the blend of 3 in proportion then nothing like it.

Roopa.

rosenav · Apr 26, 2008

I completely dnt believe in this 100% and 200% of measuring a marriage, its total crap... sorry no offence to anyone.

I'm married for 2yrs no kids, we both are working... we have everything that a Happy Married Life has (touch wood) but i dnt think its not all about my contribution and time that i give to my hubby, but also my husband also thinks the same abt giving all the time for relationship and marriage as a whole.

I mean point is even if you give 500% from your end ,you need to have the same 500% frm your husband as well...... if not wat is use, you are like a slave doing the household work and kids and family... ppl just taking you for granted and expecting you do that.... Well its the reality, at least all the forums i read regularly.. Women give the entire % to the marriage, wat abt husbands???

So Next time please say does your husband also give the same % to your marriage.. if the answer is YES that’s Great!!! If it’s NO then you need work on that.

Neways Marriage is abt to 2 ppl so let’s count how much % does husbands give it??? its only then we can say we have a SUCESSFUL %Bow

happywoman · Apr 30, 2008

Hi friends,

I believe in giving just what/how much is required for a marriage/relationship to survive. Since i dated my childhood friend and married him, we share a special understanding and respect each others limitations and strengths.
I personally believe a woman goes overboard by giving more than what is required which everyone expects from her in a society (indian society im talking abt)In reality, whatsoever, it depends on how the spouse reciprocates. If the woman keeps on giving her flesh n blood to marriage with nothing in return,it leads to disequilibrium in marriage.
To sum up, i feel all the ingredients should be in proportion to get the right quotient !!