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How many times does husband talk to his mom

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Monsterinlaw, Apr 13, 2010.

  1. Monsterinlaw

    Monsterinlaw New IL'ite

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    When i moved to USA there was no voips,thing where different talk to my mom just twice a week once i called one she called.
    beacause of the mins thing we have here.
    Now offcourse we have voips so we can talk almost everday
    But still i dont talk to my family on daily basis.
    As I am working sometimes i dont get that time .
    Why i have put that question as a subject that how many times your husband speaks to his mom.
    Beacause he speaks everday and my mother in law will gave a gala chat for good 1 hr everyday
    If there is a day we dont call we go out she will call us anytime in the night sayn she was WORRIED!!!OH please we are grown ups

    She will ask me how many times do i speak to my mom when i tell her that whenever i get time i speak,SHE WILL SAY AS IT IS WHAT IS THERE TO SPEAK EVERDAY>I JUST LISTEN TO MY SONS VOICE(MY HUBBY) AND HANG UP.I dint know that it take 1 hr to listen to a voice

    I hate my hubby calling her everyday and its like reporting
    what you eat what you did etc what did she cook
    I mean there are at time i am tired with work i dont cook we eat out
    She will at once start her melodrama about outside food.
    And not just that she will call my mom and complain that i dont cook
    and we eat rubbish outside.
    so my hubby will lie to her sometimes if we just have sandwiches etc
    I mean it is so inhuman dont i get tired.dont i need a break

    The most irritating part is we hardly get any time together now days
    Our bedroom life is BIG ZERO
    we get off from work at 6.00 then we gym and get back home to cook eat and then when i settle down and expect my hubby to sit and chit chat
    its MOMMA TIME!!!!

    MY mood just goes bad the moment he calls her now a days
    I mean i just sulk and go to sleep no intimate life etc..even if i wanna talk to him i will just sleep because i just hate him that moment!!
    WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SPEAK EVERYDAY!!!

    How can i make my hubby understand...that he needs to give her a lil break
    He is totally a moma 's boy!!!(i mean it irritates me the way they talk on phone she will address him as jaan/my heartbeat etc he will address her as darling)WTF

    She will go on...

    We are planning a vacation now...And i really
    dont wnt this MIL disturbance there
    What is the best way i can handle this

    Affter some years she wants us to move back...to india
    I mean i am dreaded with the thought of living with this manipulative lady
    i know thats years apart i still have time to think.

    SHE WILL MAKE MY LIFE LIVINGHELL
     
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  2. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Sometimes technology like VOIP can be an evil in disguise :bonk

    My DH and I decided that we don't need VOIP because we usually spend almost the same amount on calling cards as what VOIP costs per month, sometimes even less. DH talks to ILs once a week for 15-20 mins. MIL and DH don't have any topics to talk, its always... hows the weather, what did I cook for dinner, did we eat, did we go out this weekend, and then .... :rant MIL starts bitching about their relatives to which DH does not respond :bonk

    Coming to your problem, before you go on vacation, talk to your DH and come to an understanding that during vacation you need privacy, so you should switch off your cell phone. If you know that your DH won't agree to it, then don't discuss it with him but 'accidentally' forget to take the cell phone charger with you. That way, you will 'have to' switch off your cell phone to save what ever battery is left (for emergencies) till the time you reach home.
     
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I might sound different, but why is it necessary that he has to follow your rules? I mean if you talk less or more with your parents, its your way of communication, if he wants to talk to his mom every day, its his way of arrangement and communication...

    You should only be bothered about whether he is able to spend time with your or not...and if spending time is the problem, it has to be answered and resolved, but not what he talks to hismom or how his mom addresses him. this is way too much of controlling atleast from my view. (sorry dont mind)


    If you are not able to get enough time to spend iwth each other...then talk to your husband, ask him how he wants to plan it out. how you both can have some intimate time , dont point out the time he spends calling his mom.

    Try grabbing his attention , do some play ful things and get intimate iwth him....my point is..getting intimate or having some lone time, has to come from with in..or spontaneously, if he is not able to initiate it or finding time, you have to pick it up and start some where, but if you point out he being busy on calls iwth his mom and that its killing your bedroom life, he would keep himself away from you rather than getting closer to you...reason..he would feel threatened that you are trying to separate him and his mom and every man would want to avoid fights and keep peace..so even if he may not call his mom but at the back of the mind she would be on his mind...so he wouldnt be ready for anything intimate..so does it help you anyways??NO.

    Dont get parents topic at all...Deal with your problem i.e having lone time with each other...Ask him what are his plans for the day...go out for a evening walk...or after the call try to get intimate and see how he reacts...try to lure him / seduce him and see whether he gets diverted for that day....it has to do more with you and him rather than he calling India. JMO

    Also as you are going for a vacation, there you wont be having this VOIP , so see how he manages to call her, however its your duty to keep him busy/occupied...but on the other hand..everyone needs some space..so dont try to just suffocate each other demanding too much out of each other..just go with the flow...enjoy whenever you can
     
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2010
  4. rr99

    rr99 Senior IL'ite

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    Sounds like mommy darling needs validation about herself as a woman!
    try playing it down & being scornful about your DHs need to validate mommys insecurity.. after all no mans ego can take scorn very well!
     
  5. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Ouch!!!

    RR, I talk to my mother almost every day. I hope that doesn't mean that she is insecure or that I have the need to validate her as a woman??? I also know that my brothers' wives talk to THEIR mothers very often - one of them is a housewife and living in India so she calls her Mom as soon as my brother leaves for work and the kids have gone to school and talks close to two hours. Same thing with my other SIL.

    In fact, women, in general, tend to keep the home fires burning and are frequently in touch with their parents. So why not men? As parents get older they get loneliner, and insecurity does creep in (esp. when kids are living far away). But, this happens whether the children are male or female. So, referring to the men talking to their parents as validating their mothers' insecurity - I don't know.

    But I do think it is very harsh to say that a SON needs to validate his mother as a WOMAN. That almost sounds incestuous to me. I hope that wasn't what you meant?

    JMO.
     
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2010
  6. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Kids have unique relationships with their parents. No two parent-child pair has the exact same dynamic as any other. So, the first thing is to not compare your frequency of conversation with your mother with his.

    If his hour-long conversations leave no time for you to enjoy time together, then by all means, please do speak up. But if he does come to you after the conversation and you shut him off, then it is not fair to blame him completely.

    Do tell him, however, that some conversations are off-limits such as what you cooked, what you ate, who did the laundry etc. And that you won't talk to her every day. But, please don't have any issues with how she addresses him - they have the right to express terms of endearment as long as those endearments are not abusive towards you in any shape or form!
     
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2010
  7. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear,
    I can sense that you are vying for attention and want to be one and only...which is fair but difficult with your setting.

    Don't fret about his calls.Right before he is making the call tell him " hey I am in the mood..come to bed in 15 mins ..or I may fall asleep"...
    That should get him there.

    Don't try to compete with her but create a different place for you with DH..You will get much peace.

    Good Luck
    FL
     
  8. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear,

    I would advise ask your husband call his mom some other time and not before the bedtime and that way you both can some more time.
    Ask him to call while he is going to office or some other time.

    As long as your hubyy cover for you then don't worry and don't try to nag it.
    They born that generation and there expectaions are different and we don't know what kind of issues we will get with our kids lifes.
    So don't worry about smaller things.Lot of mothers especially son mother don't like if the son eat outside.It's typical norm of MIL's.Just ignore and move on.,
    But do ask your husband to change his phone call time.
     
  9. Monsterinlaw

    Monsterinlaw New IL'ite

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    There are no rules here. I dont think the way liberal and kind of space i give him ,there are any rules her
    Its not about talking how much to your parents
    If he can speak everday dosent that same thing apply to me
    But my MIL has a issue if i speak home everyday she will taunt
    As its is my parents are working people so the dont have time to chit chat for hours
    I have to discuss stuff with him about my family...what happend what we spoke etc
    he dosent do the same WHY????
    Only when i ask him

    Its not controlling at all if you see it that way you havent understood my prespective .You dont want somebody clinging to your husband all the time ,As a son yes he can give her time
    but at time i need my husband not somebodys son
    when we are together i am the third person she will click all pictures with him etc
    She will address him like that way in front of all people and then brag in front of everybody that HE IS MY HEARTBEAT HE WILL NEVER change etc,as it is i am trying to change him
    She will tell me he is such a baby for god sake he is a 30 year old!!!


    Its not about just intimate life she is like sattelite
    what you are doing where your are going
    last weekend we went to some place a waterfront
    imagine she calling us there and telling my hubby that i am imagineing sitting with you ,with you near me etc...its JUST GROSS TO LISTEN TO THIS KIND OF CONVERSATION
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 14, 2010
  10. BeautifulSoul

    BeautifulSoul New IL'ite

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    I completely understand what you are going thru since my DH is pretty much the same.

    I didnt know that before marriage every evening he would sit down and talk to SIL or FIL for hours. So when I came, I found it odd because for me it was somehow obvious that after marriage the rest of the family takes a back seat and let the couple live their own life. (I am not implying that we stop loving them or caring for them and I am quite close to my family as well). But there has to be a balance between spouse and the rest of the family.

    So when I came and saw the routine I was obviously upset and expressed my concerns (though not in a nice way and had big fights over it!) Anyhow, he finally got the message and thankfully now talks to his family when he is going for work or during the day. Of course on weekends I also talk to his family and sometimes during week if they need something or vice versa.

    That said not a single day goes by when he doesnt talk to FIL and for most of the times I understand that they are quite elder and he has to care for them. And we are yet to have a vacation where he hasnt called back home....

    So my suggestion is that you should speak to your DH and let him know that it bothers you since you guys dont get enough time for each other. Tell him that you are not saying that he should not care for his mother and you acknowledge the fact that she also needs him but he has to figure out a best way to balance his mother and wife. Dont fight, it will leave an unnecessary scar in your relation but be persistent about reaching a balance.

    Good Luck!
     

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