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How Many Of You Are Adjusting With In Laws For Sake Of Kid? Good Idea Or Not?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Jul 24, 2019.

  1. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    The point I was trying to make is for the ones that challenge -

    **"this woman's in laws should help their own daughter and her children."
    ** "we all know marriage is about the son and his parents. Don't we all know it so well" - This is new to me.
    ** "guy's parents have no life and their lives can revolve around their son's life? Works for them so I guess it will work for the girl's parents too"
    **"...given a chance,the son in law and the grandchildren's brains will easily get rewired to eat the food made by his wife and wife's mother."
    ** "son in law can also forge a relationship with his inlaws too."
    ** "Till now paternal parents have had the grandchildren to themselves"
    ** "girls parents have to sacrifice" - implying what?

    Instead of being combative, there is the IVF option.

    Basically, this is a pure power play and men/sons don't have to put up with this.
     
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  2. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Most parents of daughters do not voice disagreements for fear of causing disturbance for daughters marriage and for some , they not want to look at consequences if such a fight erupts and end up supporting the daughter life long ...

    If you scratch the surface you will see similar problems for mil or mother ...
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2019
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  3. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    MIL is not mother and DIL is not daughter. They have come together and are a family. They have different temperament, customs and values. The power play, combativeness or challenging will only further the conflict and animosity.
    Marriage, a social institution is "a pattern of rules and structures intended to meet social needs of the time." It does transform with time. Look back at grand mother's time. With more and more women going into the workforce,things have already changed. As these women become ILs they have better understanding of their working DILs; that is how changes take place in the society; but, it is slow.
    Like it or not British had to stop "Sathi". We have come a long way.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2019
  4. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    I wrote “ most men are ‘not’ coniving”

    There are cases where there is no honeymoon fest, and husband has good controll over his urges and is hell bent to make things hell for the woman. Nothing will work in this case, other than leaving the marriage.

    Most men I see in society around me are “not” so bad. So, with pre nuptial counselling and tact and love and effort, bride can be happy and keep everyone else happy.

    But think of a hypothetical situation where daughter Prianka Gandhi is married to soldier in rebel kind of group- in middle of nowhere .
    All her learning from her father, mother, dadi- won’t help her. Assuming that she is cutoff from outside world and revel leaders don’t know who she is.
    She cannot change anything around her. So, we teach what we may, and the bride can have a lot of tact, IQ and EQ, but if she is thrown into a bunch of unruly thugs, she can’t do much. She can leave though, she can’t stay and be happy.

    But cases like this, happen less often.

    You have said rightly that young girls shd be taught about marriage, beforehand.
     
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  5. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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  6. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    I am not contradicting you.

    Simply putting a point for those who think mom Will be better.

    On the surface Mother’s tend to go with what daughters want but under the surface they will also have issues when you restrict them based on one’s opinions or fear of husband.

    And most parents of girls would not like to bear lifelong responsibilities of girl if something goes wrong between wife and husband , so they tend to be more cautious which Daughters take as agreeing.

    Most mothers who come and help daughters go back with not so good memories because of SOn in law.it
    Becomes mil and son in law issue.

    What one needs is give and take , no manipulation , adjusting for
    Smaller stuff and standing ground on bigger stuff and No competition. One needs to consider ILs as part of primary family by Dil and son in law ...

    When either dil/mil/son in law/ mother/fil/father has this queen/king of the house syndrome and have a need to have a final word in everything , that will be a definite disaster ....

    The care and luv children receive from
    Grand parents is immense and the bond is special ... how much you can or want to adjust for this is each one’s choice.

    You cannot have grand parents caring for children without adjustments ...
     
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  7. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    I agree.

    This girl came to US with husband and brought her parents from India. We became good friends and many years later she told me all about her daughter. After the 1st time, she said to her parents that mom and dad must come separately for 6 months and she insisted his parents take turn also. In-laws refused to come separately, but agreed to come together. After 2 years she had another kid and these people kept coming until both started 1st grade.

    They were very reluctant. Their enthusiasm to come to America dried up. They were fed up. Even in-laws kept coming and helping. Here in US childcare is very expensive. She would say, I pay for their tickets. One day her mother said, "who wants the free ticket? It is very difficult to leave home for 6 months".

    The above case may be little to the extreme. In general, parents are comfortable in their own environment/surroundings and they too feel restricted and feel the loss of their freedom. Daughter's think mom won't mind, she wants to do it. Few days is fun and I have heard from so many of these parents that they are doing it as they feel they don't have a choice and they don't want to say "no". One parent even suggested why not we take the child to India and you can take the child back once they start school.

    Some of these parents who came for helping , later on refused to come even when they didn't have to babysit. They wanted to be with grand kids, but requested children to visit India. This trend started in the late 90s when more of the couples were working.

    Parents don't talk about their frustrations and in fact, there has been set up in some cities to provide emotional support to these Indian parents who come here to care for their daughter's/son's children. Some daughters even say, the children keep them busy and there is no time to be lonely.

    There has been few cases of abuse also. In our culture we tend to keep these kind of things a secret. We talk about only "the wonderful".
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2019
  8. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Whats with the manipulation advice?

    Choosing hopeful battles and accepting the rest while taking care of oneself sounds better than manipulating people. Personally for me manipulation is way more tougher than bringing myself to a more mindful state.

    When kids are taken care by others ( inc grandparents)and the possibility of losing it is ruled out.... like everywhere else, you will have to pay the price. The price being at the will of the care taker( again like everywhere else). I can not say if its good or bad... one will know if they introspect the decision.
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2019
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  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    My sister lives with her in laws, and obviously it takes a lot of adjustment from her end to maintain peace and sanity at home.
    She sacrifices a lot. When questioned, why she has to adjust all her life like this, she says her adjustments are relatively smaller compared to how much her in laws adjust at her place, specially with the role as primary care-takers when my sis and her H are out for work.
    Her almost 70 year old MIL runs behind her 1.5 year old active grand child, while taking care of the needs of other two older kids. Her FIL has learned to put these kids to sleep, and change their diapers at last now, as he never did such hands on role with his own kids before.
    And they are sacrificing their old age requirements such as extended resting hrs, carefree life like visiting to village or pilgrimage etc.. But they adjust everything according to their son's and DIL's time table.

    When two elders can sacrifice and compromise a lot for their grand kids, why can't two young parents do the same or some extra for their own kids?

    After all, it takes loads of love and affection to come forward, and help with a DIL who is working. Child care at old age is not a joke. And it gives immense satisfaction for a working woman to focus on her career.
    When there is love, there is everything. My sister doesn't feel like she is adjusting at all.

    In my case, my PILs were clear that they can't help us with child care, even if that is only supervising the maids/nannies, as there won't be any physical task (like feeding, bathing, changing the kids) expected. They had their own routines of life, and they were not ready to change even a bit for us or for the kids. Period.
    Now that, I too don't wanna adjust anything for them.

    Exactly... My mother has moved in with me since I delivered my first kid. Since then, she has left her home, and everything behind for us. She is the pillar behind my success in my career today.
    And it takes hell lot of adjustment to accommodate my 70 year old mom at my place. But it is still worth it.

    In a country where day care centers or nanny systems are not upto the US standards, I am not ready to compromise anything on my kids for the luxuries of my personal life. Of course leaving kids with nanny or at day care would give me a lot of sanity than to handle an elder relative on a daily basis.
    But that sanity is only short lived, because you can't stay happy or care free like how I am today, if my kids's childhood is compromised.

    It is just a matter of assessing what suits you best and choosing the best.
     
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  10. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Gold IL'ite

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    Manipulation is around everywhere. Mayb the term not used widely but its present everywhere. And no harm as long it proves beneficial to both parties.
     
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