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How long should i go like this?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by punishment, Jan 25, 2010.

  1. punishment

    punishment New IL'ite

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    I have been married for 10 years now. I have 2 kids. I got married as soon as i turned 18. I started college after marriage with cooperation of my husband.In the first year of my marriage i did a huge mistake. In college, i got attracted to a guy and i did a very bad thing. I know i was immature to do such a thing but i dont know why i did that. My husband found out everything. i apologized, cried, begged finally he excused me.

    We moved out of the place. It's been 9 years since that thing happened. I changed quiet a lot. I really repent for what i did and i feel so stupid for doing such a thing. I totally understand my husband's insecurity. Everytime there is an argument at home, he ends the conversation bringing the affair topic. And i dont have anything to say as soon as he brings up this topic other than to cry.

    I know not many husbands can do what my husband did even after he found out about the affair. I totally respect him for what he did at that time.

    In these 9 years we had so many arguments just like any married couple would (finances, inlaws, kids, housekeeping). At the end of the argument he either hits me or he ends the argument by bringing up the affair topic.

    I dont ask about finances, i dont take any decision on my own now. Every single thing i do, first i let my husband know. All these years i am busy with deliveries, kids. I also started doing my degree through long distance staying at home. I finished my degree.I am trying to forget the past and living normally.

    Everytime my husband hits me i am thinking it is the god's way of punishing me for what i did. He uses bad words, hits me with objects, choke me up and after everything he apologize me. Seriously i am not worried about the physical abuse because may be i deserve it.

    What i am worried is about his verbal abuse. It's been 9 years since that thing happened. I changed a lot became matured but every time my husband brings this topic i am feeling like dying. Some times i wonder, may be he should've given me divorce at the time. It would have been easy for both of us.

    Just because i did a mistake, should i behave the way he wants for the rest of my life? I did my best in gaining the trust back. It is him who is constantly bringing up the topic when i am trying to forget about it. I lost my freedom, respect, trust , love everything. For normal arguments every couple have also he is brining this affair topic to shut my mouth.

    No matter how he is controlling me i am not saying anything because i did a mistake on my part. How long will this punishment last? How long should i take his hittings and words? If he wants to shut me up, he says things like, "You did a mistake, you better face it" ,
    "I am not controlling you, you are way beyond controlling, you know that"
    "Oh you are talking rules, should i talk about your past"
    "I will tell everyone what you did"
    "Go find someone else"

    I know i did a mistake which cannot be repaired, but do i really deserve this punishment. Yesterday, during an argument he said "you did a mistake, you better face it" . He said that infront of my kids. May be they are young to understand what their dad said now. Wont they understand after few years?

    Seriously now i am thinking, god has given me enough punishment for my mistake. Should i start talking back when he brings the topic. How long should i go like this? Just because i did a big mistake, i have been grounded for rest of my life? Is there an end to this? Do i have to live the rest of my life feeling guilty about the mistake?
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I beleive you better stand up for yourself.Try for counseling.I know your husband should agree for it.It will be bad once your kids get to know about this and there chance your husband can feel proud about it.Ask him what he wanted to do and you can't take this any more.
    Do you think you can stand up for youself.I think you need to put end of this.
     
  3. Manaswini08

    Manaswini08 Bronze IL'ite

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    Now matter what you did, he has no right to abuse you verbally or physically. For the sake of your children and yourself, I urge you to stand up for yourself and seek help. What happened was in the past and you do feel bad about it but no amount of "punishment" from you husband can change that. And who is he for punishing you? What you did had hurt him, of course. But this needs to be put to sleep. You both need counseling and need it soon. Otherwise, it will be your children who will suffer.

    I think your husband likes using your mistake as a weapon and it seems that he does use it often. You've punished yourself enough and it is now time to stand up for your rights. Please seek help before it becomes too late. Seek a therapist or your doctor, clergy or even a mutual family friend (one you can trust). I do not suggest in laws or other family members as they may take a more subjective side.
     
  4. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    you are right
    when kids grow up they start understanding what their dad is talking about
    talk to your husband
    say you know you did mistake but thats past and since last 9 yrs you being loyal and faithful ask him to stop abusing and making you remembering the past.whats the point in remmebering something which hurts both of you?
    forget about you both its not healthy for kids to be raised in such environment
     
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Might be Time for you to make him sit and tell him one last time! If he wants to forgive that incident and let go....HE has to STOP getting that incident and threatening you! Also tell him that you are ready to tell who so ever he wants to about the incident and you have nothing to hide about your past! Finally what matters is you and your husband in this marriage! who thinks what about you or your husband doesnt matter if both of you are on same page!

    If he still feels being cheated and not able to forgive that incident, time for you totally STOP talking or interacting with him and let him deal with it. Totally zero conversations with him no matter what! Be firm and let him deal with it. No amount of sorry/persuading /pushing/begging/forcing would make him calm down. Only Firm Silence works with him...even if it doesnt work...best part is you would have your peace with no arguments with such a shallow man
     
  6. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes you did a mistake, you repented for it and he forgave you .... End of topic.

    Bringing that mistake every time there is an argument and using it against you to suppress you shows that your dh is kind of a sadist who is playing with your mind.

    Next time there is a fight clearly tell him "I did a mistake, I apologized and realized my mistake. You forgave me, lets move on. If you are going to bring that issue every week for the rest of my life, it shows that you have not forgiven... so lets just part ways. I don't want my kids to know all this stuff and scar them for life"...

    This sentence will make him realize the truth. If he were a bold man he would have divorced long back, but he is a weak man and afraid of the society, so he forgave you and being a crooked minded person, using that to torment you.

    Strong women scar men. Be strong and he will surrender.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2010
  7. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Sounds like he has neither forgiven nor forgotten. And he is using that as a weapon at each occasion.

    I am not sure what caused you to cheat on your husband. Accept that it was a lapse of judgement and immature and you made a mistake. Forgive yourself, that is the first step. You made a mistake and have repented for it.

    Do not justify physical abuse on that count and definately do not signup for a lifetime of physical abuse. Are you financially independant? Do you have friends and family that would support you if you were to walk out?
     
  8. punishment

    punishment New IL'ite

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    Thanks everyone for the replies. Next time he brings up the topic again i will try to do what you all advised.

    Beeamma, No i am not finanically independent. My parents know this issue. I cant walkout of this marriage because he threatened me he will take the children.

    I will see what i can do, thanks once again.
     
  9. vimala1957

    vimala1957 Bronze IL'ite

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    I agree with ShriVidya. If he has actually forgiven you, he should not bring back the topic. Actually he seems to be hurting you every time . He is a saddist.

    You must have realised long back that he keeps mentioning the incident . Anyway, I feel you need to do 2 things.

    1. Speak to him confidently that he must not mention the thing ever again.
    2. Stand on your own feet. You start some work so that you become financially independent. I think this is one point that stopped you from defending yourself.

    Has he sentenced you for the life time for that? He acts great by pardoning you and accepting you, but actually he has made this your weak point and knows you will not be able to do anything at the very mention of the incident.

    Why do you think physical torture is ok for your punishment? No, once the matter is over, no torture of any kind- physical or mental.

    You need to stand for yourself and try finding some solution being together. If that is not possible, become financially independent and walk out.
    This is my personal view.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2010
  10. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    You must ask yourself.. How long you want to go on like that ??

    Each of us would say, DONT. But, it is you who needs to decide when
    Enough is Enough !!

    Ok, you did a mistake. He forgave you, you say. Had 2 kids too when he forgave you ! But, his definition of forgiveness unfortunately is " I forgive you this second, BUT for the rest of your life, whenever I dont want you to prove me wrong, or point my mistakes or voice your opinion, I am going to remind you of what you did " even if it is going to irrelevant to what we discuss " and make you feel disguted ALL YOUR LIFE !

    Now that is not called forgiveness. It is simply a favour for the second and a way to rule over your emotions for the rest of your life.

    You know it is not right. you know you have taken in enough. Now, you react.

    You next time, ask him.. What he wants to do about the mistake ? He wants to tell everyone ? Let him. He neednt threaten you. It is no big secret and many know it, you say. Maybe many dont, but you say. This shows, you care less about what others think about you, since the person you love and live with, is not treating you any well.

    Next times, he tells you,
    "I am not controlling you, you are way beyond controlling, you know that" you tell - Yeah I do. So, stop talking like that to me ! I dont care to control you at all.

    "Oh you are talking rules, should i talk about your past"
    You dont have to ! I know my past. It is mine. If you dont want to listen up to things to set things right, then we need to see ways of finding peace. Do you want to live with me or not ? Dont think you did a favour by just letting go of the past, because you havent. If you found it difficult to let go off the episode, then, you should be clear. Rather than cribbing day in and day out.

    "Go find someone else"

    Simply say, maybe I should. Let us talk on wether we have any hopes in this marriage. Then I shall take a call.

    Listen, P.. There is no point in talking about something forever and ever. So, it is upto you to decide when to put a full stop.
     

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