How Long It Will Take Time To Heal?

Hi Anika,

I struggled with this issue for 33 years of my life. Here is how i dealt with it.

The problem is confrontation Anika. It never works. They know what they are doing is wrong. So i feel that when they are doing that wrong thing, they are also mentally preparing their stupid illogical reason behind it.

And another thing is when you confront, people know what ticks you and trust me its like handing them the gun to point it at you. They know what irritates you and they will keep doing it again and again to see you lose your cool.

I used to want to confront and did confront and in the end i felt like a fool for all the explanations they gave. Until recently i always i was a stupid person for what they kept talking about me.

So i changed tactics. I realised that when they could make fun of me and get away with it, then i could do the same. Trust me it works like a charm.

I now counter their comments of retorting with humour and a matter of fact tone of this is how i am.

A few instances which happened recently:

My dad's cousin (my uncle) tried to tell me i was half a woman coz i didnt know how to cook an elaborate meal in front of 50 so called relatives of mine. And that his daughter who is hardly 15 years now can cook up a feast for 100 people . I looked him in the eye and told him that i dont consider cooking as a necessary mandate for being a woman and that thankfully my husband feels the same.

His answer was you should be ashamed. I smiled and told him i was not coz i am working in an MNC where is earn enough monies to appoint a maid incase i need to eat a feast. That shut him up for good! And i told him all these with a smile on my face and telling him how old fashioned and out dated his ideas were. And finally i kept teasing him saying...oh my god, so you have already decided that your daughter has to do nothing other than cooking in her future without insisting she continue her studies. No wonder you are insisting so much on learning to cook!

Outsiders donot usually bother. Maybe an insta update or an FB update might trigger that jealousy a bit but beyond that they dont have time to bother. Its the family or the extended family who are the actual culprits. They love to put people who they feel are inferior to them but are still doing better than them down. Its in their nature. You cant help it. So accept this fact. When my own sister did that to me, i knew then that everyone is going to be like that. You cant say i never do that to you why are you behaving like this with me.

What made me change was how could i let some idiot determine how my mood should be? So if that idiot feels happy, i am supposed to feel happy for whatever good they do and if that idiot gets irritated then i take the brunt?

No way i was handing over my happiness meter to some random relative who thinks he is "a know it all" "do it right" kind.

Yes. Maintaining our dignity is very important. I am glad you are staying the same inspite of all those comments.

If i was in your place, they minute they try to put me down, pick up a picture from your recent vacation or a place you have been to and start talking it about it and raving about it in loud voice to drown the other person out.

You know they havent been there so tell them 'Oh you havent been there right, damn so sad. You should definitely try and visit. Trust me the food is so good. And the climate and the place. The tourist spots. They are something you should never miss in your life. infact you should put this under your must visit places list if you have one. These days everyone has one. Dont you have one? If you dont you should start one. No wonder you are feeling frustated. You should start travelling and enjoying life with your husband and kids."

Trust me that will put them in place. Try saying this in front of all your relatives. One, they will think twice before trying to insult you next time. Or even if they do, put your husband in.

Like they might say, ah...you are lucky you have a wonderful husband who is spending so much. You dont earn. Then say some people need to work hard to enjoy things while some others are lucky enough to have a loving and supporting husband who encourages you to explore your hobbies and giving you "me time" to do what you want.

Seriously we would dump them if we could. We cant. The only way to deal with them is keeping them at arm's length and giving it back to them in the same way they treat us.

It takes time to develop this way of retorting. I was pushed to my extreme level to start talking back. Honestly this is the only way i deal with them now. I either do this or lose my peace of mind everytime i am within their vicinity.

You cant either stay the same and keep feeling sad and upset over it at times when it hurts us or you can start being mean to mean people. There are good people and they deserve 200% of our kindness and i give them that. The minute i see this jealousy rear its head in one of my so called relatives trying to think he or she knows it better, han! they better fasten their seat belts now coz i am damn sure to take them on a ride of their life!

 

@beautifullife30 Please please teach me how to talk my mind like that.

I am such a non-confrontational person that the fear that if I talk my mind may escalate into a big issue makes me ignore snide remarks by one and all. Yes, I pocket what they say. However, I do not accept it. But, having said that, I want my peace so I let the barking dogs bark and dont give them the benefit that they got to me. Because by talking back at them, I lose my peace of mind and get stressed out!! And I don't want anyone to have that power over me. So over time, Ive learnt to ignore all and sundry remarks!

And having said that I have a deep admiration and respect for those who don't take things lying down and can give back in the same coin and not let it affect them.

 

@anika987,

If you avoid the following feelings, you will lead a happy life. I am not saying you feel that way but if you feel these thoughts linger somewhere at the bottom of your heart, please delete them with rigor and discipline.

1) You are still hopeful somehow magically, your relatives will change and live up to your expectations.
2) Even though you have distanced yourself from your relatives, you are thinking about them and trying to find out the rational for their behavior.
3) Internally, you regret the need to live distancing your relatives from you.
4) You are still thinking what you could have done differently to make them understand and accept you.
5) Are these relatives right in thinking I don't deserve what I already have in my life?

If you feel any of the above, follow the instructions in @nandinimithun's message. The hurtful feelings take a longer time to heal as long as we recall them. Is it easy to overcome thinking about them? No. But somehow, you need to prioritize your mind to think about all the enjoyment you have in your life over these tribulations you had encountered in the past. Visualize your bright future ahead with your goals and prioritize them over these emotions. These emotions do not serve you well. One way to seriously eliminate those negative thoughts is to assume they don't know what they are doing. Forgive them in your heart but never communicate that to the wrong-doers. Forgiving them in your heart is the greatest punishment you give them.

The best response to what they did to you is not responding word for word but live a happy life far more than what they expected to achieve in your life. You have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself and your life is for yourself and for the well-being of your family. Thinking about those who hurt you is like you taking poison expecting them to die. Let them carry the burden of all negative thoughts about you and build the garbage inside of them while you clean your thoughts and make your mind and heart a sanctum sanctorum.

Good luck!