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How Long It Will Take Time To Heal?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by anika987, Jul 5, 2022.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    IL friends know that I cut off contact with my relatives coz they were toxic. They not only degrade me,put me down but also took advantage of my helping nature and then when confronted twisted things and called me sensitive, psychological problem etc utter case of gaslighting.

    My reality was distorted and it took years to accept they were wrong.

    Now am more confident and have a sense of relief but everyday I do have on and off pangs off pain even though I try to move on.
    Usually I remain positive but sharp ache on and off is but tough to handle.

    I will never get my closure from them coz fact is they will never admit they are wrong and will still blame me.

    I understand outsiders but people in your own family who saw you grow up have u so much mental abuse and tough for me to accept the fact that my family can be wrong..

    yeah I had few good moments with them but that also happened when they were happy which I realized.

    For them it is not like they wish me I’ll but they have this unexpected jealousy that am doing more well in life that they expected.They never thought I will do well and will always be a failure.It is sad your own relatives do not wish you well.

    I was in DENIAL for so many years and even now I cannot digest they were toxic.

    only solace is no matter what happened I can proudly say I am quite a good person and was always helpful and nice to them.Plus they could not stop me from growing and doing what I wanted to in life.

    They did not expect me to come to the US or have a good spouse and life.They hate it when I buy good stuff and go in good vacations.Their words are so nasty at times and when I speak up they shut me up saying I am sensitive and need to grow up!!

    My mind is still in DENIAl that they are toxic but the fact is they are.Extremely tough to handle on and off coz I don’t have anyone else in the name of relatives.


    Life seems very new and different..especially coming from a joint family it is even harder..

    Why were they so nasty to me?show could they? My heart keeps asking this question.

    Anyways..a small pang of pain hit me and wanted to jot this down.

    It is even harder when they gang up and call me wrong.I know I am right but very hard to stand single and in my truth against so many people.

    I am sure I will feel better..but hope I heal soon..

    Thanks for reading..
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You are already taking all the steps towards healing. What your ill-wishers did remains the same. What changes is how often you remember those things, how strongly you react to the rekindled memories, how you shake off the small pangs of pain. With practice, you will recognize the trigger faster and your survival and preservation instincts will keep reducing your reaction.

    Some people are jealous if you are doing better than them in some way. This jealousy is one kind and annoys a little. Then there are some who are unhappy that you are doing well at all. They prescribe a certain level of happiness and achievement for you and if you rise above that, they get nasty. In your case, the achievements also have a sense of contentment associated, you are happy with what you have.. that combination is harder for them to digest or tolerate. : )

    In short: you are doing good in the path of healing, continue that. If that pesky GPS in the mind says "recalculating route", ignore it. : ) : )

    Now, go and double check passport expiry date etc.
     
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  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Think of how much better you feel now without these toxic influences in your life.
    Plan out all the fun you’re going to have in India. Board the plane singing “I can see clearly now the rain is gone…….”
     
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  4. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks so much Rihana and malstrom:)
    My emotions go haywire from time to time thinking of them but I need to stay strong and focus on what I can do.No matter what I say..will not work coz they will only defend themselves.Sometimes silence is the best answer!

    I also wonder how it will be like to confront and lash them like in movies and the villains feel bad for their act :laughing:

    Well it happens only in movies ..real life has deadlier villains who play mind games.:smilingimp:


    Thanks guys again and waiting for India trip:)
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    After a long history of being in denial, and then feeling terribly bad about the fact that your own people are unhappy about your success, I've decided to live my life the best way possible.
    Watch this video, and it is true. The best revenge is to live happily and successfully before the people who want you to fail.

     
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  6. godsgp

    godsgp Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP

    We all know that the root cause of misery is jealousy.You know your pain.The funny part is they can't even express theirs.They just let their frustration of seeing you doing well out by making you feel bad and deriving happiness from that.Thats a pathetic way to live.
     
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  7. gamma50g

    gamma50g Silver IL'ite

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    @anika987 I am in the same situation as you with respect to relatives. I cut them off 7 years ago because of different reasons. It happened via a traumatic event during my brother's wedding where they ganged up against me when I was 6 months pregnant. I did not even feel the need to defend myself against so-called relatives who claim to know me since birth and who are decades elder to me. I mean - whats the point of trying to explain to people whose minds are closed, who wear bridles and who think they are correct no matter what.

    I used to cry thinking about this for a long time because just like you said, I did not have anyone else in the name of relatives and the situation was so stressful for me.

    Ive never looked back in these 7 years - not once did I feel I did wrong by cutting them off. However, just like you, I never got a closure. It took me a long time to get over the traumatic event that caused it.

    I do feel bad at times because I have a big family and my kids are growing up without knowing who their relatives are. However, I feel its better to not have that negativity and toxicity in your life than to have such people in the names of relatives. So overall, I have no regrets.

    Yesterday, one of my relatives called me out of the blue inviting me for poonal ceremony of her grandson. When she talked to my hubby, she gleaned all my family info from him - I didn't share anything with anyone since 7 years! It took every ounce of my willpower to talk normally to her. It will take my all to go attend that event because my mom raised me to respect a personal invitation.

    It will take you time to heal. However, you will get over it. No relative is worth all that negativity and toxicity in your life.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2023 at 8:26 PM
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  8. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Worst is they confuse me saying that am sensitive and take it serious.

    Firstly what is the need to comment about my life and how i live and if get upset about it..they say it Iam sensitive!!

    But they cannot even take a simple
    Comment!!

    It is okay for them to cross the boundary!

    Do they even realize how bad they are? R these people that oblivious?
     
  9. gamma50g

    gamma50g Silver IL'ite

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    @anika987 When it comes to you its all okay. However, when its their own kids, they will talk a different language and become protective shields for them.

    Before opening their mouths, they should first think - if someone spoke these same words I am about to talk - to my child - will I be okay with it? There is where they will get answers.

    Unfortunately, though most relatives are older in age - they are just that - older in age with no emotional maturity.

    Let them not get to you. Dont think about them, dont think about the dialog that led you to make this post.

    Very slowly and eventually - you will heal...even if at times you catch yourself re living those painful moments, consciously divert your thoughts to all the positive things in your life.

    Unfortunately, that's life and unfortunately, relationships - no matter how close - evolve with time. And its a fact of life. This is what I have learnt in my experience.

    Sending you lots of positive thoughts and healing vibes ✨️
     
  10. nandinimithun

    nandinimithun IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear anika,

    I don't know if this helps but, walk barefoot on the grass, sit alone on the park bench and just observe the silence and the chaos within.

    Make a hot cup of masala chai or filter coffee for yourself, after you finish complement yourself for that.

    Read your childhood favorite books and watch your childhood fav movies and shows that made you laugh.

    Good or bad people keep coming and going like waves and we cannot do anything about that. You stay happy, and continue to find happiness in small things and listen to all the songs and music that brings a smile to your heart and face.

    Honestly, there is just one person who can always stay with us and help us, and that ks ourselves, so be there for yourself and lovr yourself everyday a little more than yesterday.

    Love
    Nandu
     
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