How Long Can One Keep Going Without Appreciation From Partner

Hi
I usually reply only.when I feel I can relate to the issue. I do have a feeling that your issue is much bigger than just hoping a thanks from your wife occasionally. There is a deeply rooted resentment in you. I know being a man its difficult for you to express it but a little more insight into your problem would more helpful for us to at least understand your wife's behaviour and how it hurts you. For now from your post I understood that your wife is nit expressive and dies not show any care or love or anything which is rare in wives. It comes across as she is not much vocal about expressing care, sympathy etc. It is her essential nature and also for some reason she is not motivated to change herself.

 

Hmmm I was thinking I'm reading a woman's version till I came to the last line.

What you have described is bit sketchy I wasn't able to understand what kind of appreciation you are looking at? Is it for earning for the family, taking care of kids, doing chores etc? Have you tried stopping what you are doing so that your partner misses it in the absence? Many a times things we do for the family are taken for granted.

I sense there is more to the issue than just appreciation and thanking each other. It's obvious that you are not happy in the marriage. How is your wife feeling? Is there any other issue in the marriage?

 

Hi Benadryl.,

Reading your post comes as a surprise to me as I wanted to post something like this myself.I have been married for close to 4 yrs now and I have a 15 month old.I have stopped feeling any emotional connect with my husband.I know it was not like that before and I can pinpoint what has led to this emotional disconnect :
-just as in your case my husband does not enquire if I am feeling ok once I tell him I am not well or feeling sick.
-I feel he has no interest in my friends or my life.Basicslly I am a SAHM now and after he comes back from work he does not ask what I did or what I was upto.if I tell he listens.
-I can name all his good friend's names etc from college but I bet he can't name any of my frnd's names.
-last year when my parents came fir my delivery he did not talk to them for 3 months.I still don't know what went wrong he didn't tell me and as far as I know my parents did nothing wrong knowingly to offend him.those months were some of my darkest months.I still feel guilty that I called my parents here to the US and let them be treated like that.he was ok with them fir one month and after that I don't know what happened.

So basically he does not talk to my parents nor enquirer about them or my sister.i have also stopped doing the same with him.

So there is like zero things to talk between us.we are just like two roommates living in the same house.I think the last point has stirred up some hatred in me towards him and I have stopped being affectionate towards him.

He otherwise helps around the house ,is good with the kid ,not stingy with money at all,we go out regularly eat outetc stc.
But these things really bother me and I am not able to even hug him as I have some resentment toward him.

So my story is a little similar to yours.Any advice would be appreciated.

 

@Benadryl welcome to the world of millions of women that are under appreciated by their spouses, in laws and everyone else.
Sometimes women can be emotionally aloof too and not necessarily the loving caring beings that we are always portrayed and expected to be.
Besides the appreciation bit, do you and wife have a normal friendly relationship? Is it possible you are being overly sensitive ? Is there other behavior that might hint to a possibility of your wife being on the spectrum ( high functioning ) and hence not able to connect emotionally to you at all ?

On a side note, please don’t detest your children . Having kids with a emotionally detached spouse was your decision, not theirs. Please don’t use this as a excuse to seek emotional bonding with another woman, while in the marriage. Try to go for couples therapy and see if it helps. If things don’t change and it bothers you separate . There is no guarantee though that your second wife will also keep up with expressing her appreciation five years into a marriage with kids around.
It can be tiring to express gratitude all the time , specially when it is done to please someone and does not come naturally.

 

Thank you for chores ? Sorry sir, this is how modern marriages work. The chores are expected, nothing out of the norm. This is what a marriage and partnership is all about these days.
From your subsequent responses my guess is : you think you go beyond your expected role of providing financially by helping your wife at home with dishes/ cooking or anything else. So you think she should be grateful to you. So I totally see your wife’s POV, she does not have to express gratitude for something you are expected to do in the first place.

Parents living off you and not being thankful ? Again isn’t that expected as a well earning adult ?

I hope you don’t destroy a perfectly fine marriage/ family with some unreasonable expectations .
Also read up on narcissism ( for yourself ). Not saying you are one, but the constant need for appreciation may point to that.
Wish you the best !

 

To answer your question..appreciations in words are mostly missing in most of the successful marriage. It is the act that shows if you are appreciated. If your wife cooks food that you like, cooks whatever you want etc. Then I think its her way of keeping you happy.
I cant remember th last time I appreciated my husband for performing his duties responsibly or he appreciating me and for the record i don't get any help from him in household chores but he does everything that is outside and does really well.
But there is no resentment build up with in me or him. So look at the act and don't go for the words . So if both the partners giving their heart and soul to their family then there is no space.of appreciation.

 

OP. If you have a good relationship otherwise , then I guess your languages of love are very different.
Do read the book The Five Love Languages
The Five Love Languages - Wikipedia

Perhaps your love language is "words of affirmation" while hers is "acts of service"?

This book really helped me translate what i thought was love to what DH thought was love. Why, it made me ponder about what is it that DH should do to make me feel loved and complete , why some deeds irritate me and is he feeling loved - it helped our relationship a lot. Our own love language comes to us naturally, but you realise that for it to reach the partner you have to translate it ...

 

This issue is big if you think about it. Otherwise there is nothing much in this. Have you ever appreciated your wife? Even a kid needs appreciation. But if we don't give then his nature might not develop. But if as an elder you need this too much then you can appreciate your wife and tell her to do the same for you. Don't leave the topic until she do this for you. Behave as a kid and be adamant. It will create some funny and nice moments. Otherwise if taken seriously you will create a big problem out of nothing.