How is it possible to live with inlaws permanently????

You would have noted the response in many other threads and I have no different response:
1.) You would have to buy/rent two houses or apartments in the same society/vicinity so that you can stay separately and still meet them everyday if living together in a single house is a problem.
2.) If you have to live together in a single house, it better be a double-storied one or a large 3-4BHK one so that there is ample privacy for you and your family.
3.) Have your own life and your own sense of self. So, the most important thing is to have a job when you are in India otherwise you'd become an unpaid maid who would have to keep running errands for your PILs, the reason being that all PILs are stuck in early 20th century when women were not working and were running errands in house for elders and had no existence of their own.
4.) Minimize your expectations from PILs. This is what Buddha said and this is what everyone will say because the root cause of all problems is overburdening yourself with expectations from others.
5.) If you act normal and are ready to give up that elusive 'Best DIL certificate' you can buy happiness and peace of mind for yourself.

 

Brinda01,

it depends on what you are looking for. If it is the name of a 'good bahu', then I would say it is not possible to move in permanently with your in-laws. 8 years is a long enough time to know that something is not working. They haven't respected you in the last 8 years, chances are they never will in the next 80 years if no miracle happens.

if you are looking for self-respect, then you can move in with them. Provided, you set the rules from this moment. If you are disrespected, you have every right to fight back. I agree that older people need to be looked after. But you don't need to bend over backwards, especially if they show that they deserve it.

hope this helps.

 

Stop trying to be the 'perfect bahu' and start living life the way u want.....That itself will reduce your frustration.

 

hi
i really felt bad reading to what to said i am also sailing in the same boat as yours.
this is the 8th year of my marriage with 2 sons and still they treat me like a 3rd person.
but i learnt and decided that'
iwill do my duty as they are my hubbys parents and i dont want to spoil the relation b/w me and my hubby & its for sure we cannot satisfy in-laws with this kind of nature so stop expecting affection from them.
i know it is very easy to say but hard to follow but i am trying hard to be so.
finish all your work and spend most of the time in your room dont give them a chance to talk to you.
the more we talk and spend time the more frustration we face
go to temple in the evenings
as posted by a member earlier pls search for a job that really helps you
unfortunately i dont have that chance as my in-laws dint want me to work so i stopped after marriage

may god bless you with happiness
all the best

 

I agree 100% with persecutedDIL's point about having a job. IMO if you stay with/close to PILs. a job is v important for your own confidence, financial independence, an excuse to be out of home for most of the day-which translates into 100 other things including not being there at their beck and call, physical presence all day drives both sides crazy, not being loaded with housework et cetera.

Having said that, I am not sure about the overall dynamics as in-whether are in a position to go out and work, who will take care of the kids, job prospects in your city, willingness to work.

 

8 years or 80 years.. if from the very beginning they treat you like "out-law" then there is no hope.. very rarely people change specially in their senior years..if you can accept this fact and live with them fine or else pl take up a residence close by and maintain your peace of mind and do your duties with any expectations.

 

Brinda01 , I am also in the same boat , 8 yrs since I got married but only difference is that I live with them under the same roof since day 1. My MIL's opinion is "if the son and DIl does not live with them from the day 1 then they will never take care of in laws when they are old .." she has said this 100 times :|.
Its not easy ... I am under constant surveillance and MIL constantly complains about everything to Dh and SIL. But I have become a rock. For me my ILs , husband and kids, they are all part of my duty I must take good care irrespective of what I get in return. When I feel hurt ,need motivation and love , I exercise , read , sing or hug my kids. And come to this forum and listen to many barve ladies .. amazing some of them have humorous attitude even in distress I think thats really refreshing!
Many times I put myself out of the picture and observe everyone as though watching some crazy MIL serial ! and I laugh it out.
My husband will never come out of MIL's (I am helpless , DIL is hopeless) spell ...
My SIL never stop lecturing on how to take care of MIL. FIL will never stop supporting MIL. But still though everyone are being selfish .. they are getting to depend on me with out their knowledge.. and thats where my role is heading.
But keep one thing in mind they will never show that they are happy nor will they appreciate. I feel we have to behave as though we are at work place where we dont take peers personally . Do your duty and leave it there. Take good care of yourself , dont expect some one else to do it. But I have seen in this forum that many of them have understanding husbands and support wives to handle difficult ILs. Only thing men have to do is , understand the negatives of their parents and be supportive to wives to handle those areas. They dont have to be openly supportive but you know .. I am there for you kind of attitude .. I think if husband is supportive anything can be achieved. If that is not there then you are one man army!