How does one develop a thicker skin (in relationships)?

vinaya1234 · May 4, 2010

Spider....your avataars keep me wondering like mstrue.
And Sarma, just love your avataar....it is cute and made me laugh.

Coming to the thread.....I don't think we should even try developing thick skin especially in relationships very close to our heart.

My dh is introvert and extremely sensitive guy while I am quite outgoing and kind of was born with 'buffalo skin'.....

Before marriage, It got difficult sometimes when dh reacted in strange ways just because I said something with an intention to have fun. In our case, it was me running behind him and trying to make up. Getting just a smile from him was a huge task!!

After marriage, this irritated me and sometimes I would ignore him. Later, I realized his over sensitive nature and tried to keep tab on what I spoke.

But now after several years of marriage, I am back to my old self and don't really watch my words and the best part is
HE HAS GOTTEN IMMUNE.....:biglaugh:biglaugh

Spiderman1 · May 4, 2010

vinaya1234 said: ↑

.I don't think we should even try developing thick skin especially in relationships very close to our heart.
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Yaar, all these years I was thinking like you and I was vehemently opposed to developing a thick skin. But, then without thick skin I react for a lot of things. Its too tiring and sometimes I cannot take the hurt easily.

For my survival, I am trying to change now. It is VERY DIFFICULT for a person like me. But even if I only succeed like 30-40% thats still a big win.

vinaya1234 said: ↑

But now after several years of marriage, I am back to my old self and don't really watch my words and the best part is
HE HAS GOTTEN IMMUNE.....:biglaugh:biglaugh
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if (gotten_immune == thicker_skin)
{

:thumbsup;

}

vinaya1234 · May 4, 2010

Spiderman1 said: ↑

if (gotten_immune == thicker_skin)
{

:thumbsup;

}
Click to expand...

YOU ARE RIGHT!!!

My dh is such a spoilt brat...earlier he used to get moody like a girl but now seems to have developed little thicker skin after I started ignoring him.
He needs too much pampering from me.......

HIGH MAINTENANCE HUBBY!!!..........:rotfl:rotfl

ShilpaMa · May 4, 2010

Spidy, I thought that thick skin was a by birth phenomena... where a mother was running around her child screaming/ shouting/ spanking and yet the child repeated the same. "Vinaya - born with 'buffalo skin'....."

Wife telling DH not to leave WET towel on bed.. yet it shall be at the same place after every bath.

I found your question equivalent to asking "How can a torturous :bonk bathroom singer become an Indian Idol"

You need to have basic birth gift to attain excellence & the way u've put up with posts tells me .. hey you dont have even the basic one... so why break head further... Even if you learn a few notes here n there... you'll get back to same "sur and taal" as Vinaya mentioned.

Ok how to de-sensitize yourself... well thats the reason that in an arranged marriage mostly we end up with an opposite partner who over the years with their behaviour and vocablury de-sensitize us and once old we say... its Ok am no more a sensitive fellow :crazy.

mithy232 · May 4, 2010

Pmahensa, your points are all good.

be good to others even if they are bad to you. what goes around comes around.
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My grandma used to advice me the same. I don't think this statement holds true anymore for the current world. Be good to good and bad to bad is the right attitude to survive.

Spidey, good topic. Even I will feel better if I develop thick skin.

GiJoe · May 4, 2010

mstrue said: ↑

PS:
Spiderman.. Seriously, whats with the avatar(am)s?! Every time I open a thread I fear, "Oh God, What is in store for me from Spiderman's Avatar gallery?". May be ILs should put a restraining order on you from the "Edit Avatar" option..Or.. I should develop a even more thicker skin!! :rotfl
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Spiderman is competing with Google title images.

gjaya · May 4, 2010

Its very very difficult for me to develop a thick skin...because I am too emotional person. But surprised as I am, I am beginning to see a change in me...don't know what it is probably its related to the self confidence that has risen in me perhaps, that's why hurtful things don't affect me that much anymore. Still........

Easier said than done.

Jaya

Spiderman1 · May 4, 2010

ShilpaMa: I am not talking abt petty things like Wet towel on the bed etc. When misunderstanding happens it can hurt, and unless there is some level of thick skin it is going to be really tough.

I understand your point about having a "basic nature" aka being-born-with-it, but unfortunately I am not born with a thick skin (maybe just had a thick head - I'm guessing that based on all avatar(am)s feedback), so I need to develop one.

Mithy: I can feel what you are saying - I've read some of your other threads/posts, and yes you are in the same boat that I am in. Thick skin will help us, but quite a process for us to try and develop that.

Jaya: Self-confidence is one thing. Still you want your loved ones to understand you, no matter if you are a confident person. Thats where the issues sometimes arise.

Ms.True: "May be look at it as "taking the thought maturity to a different level" as opposed "letting the guard down and getting vulnerable".. "
Good point, MST. That certainly is a way I can try to look at it. As Nandshyam or other IL-friends have told me in past for certain issues - two words, "Grow-up Spidey" and yes sometimes we have to swallow certain emotions and just do that.

OOPALL · May 4, 2010

Hmm very good thread!
Nice to hear all the different views.

The one I always keep in mind: YOU CAN CHANGE WHO YOU ARE BUT NOT THINGS/PEOPLE AROUND YOU.

Over the years, maturity level develops to a deeper level. Things/issues that were bothersome at one point, aren't as much anymore.

When it comes to relationships with the truly loved ones, I like to step back and ask, well how would you feel?

Spiderman: Try reading that Ekhart Tolle's Awakening your Life's Purpose.
It helped me let go of so much. Its' all small stuff.

Cheers!
OOPALL.

Happysoul1234 · May 4, 2010

mstrue said: ↑

mgmaHensa! I follow most of what you have said there! It is like reading my post that I wrote without my knowledge. :bowdown I agree with you there. Thanks for summing it up so well.

Another thing that comes to my mind is:
If there is a situation, I see what is my part to it. What did I do? If it is my fault, I try to rectify it without spending too much time on worrying. If it is not my fault, then I do not worry too much again, because there is nothing I could do. So either way, I worry less.. and skin appears to have gotten thicker.

'Not reacting' is also a reaction. You cannot be provoked now, because your skin got thicker.
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very true mstrue!.. another aspect of developing a thick skin is learning not to brood over past events needlessly, especially when one is not at fault!

another clarification - someone said in another post that be good to good and be bad to bad instead of be good. if you can do that .. good for you! I can't. What I meant by being good is not bending overbackwards, I just meant be civil to the person.