How do you react or be at such situations in life....

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by meena12, Oct 21, 2009.

  1. meena12

    meena12 New IL'ite

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    Dear friends,
    We have let a room for an Indian girl, i am indian, as you know indian culture, i always feel in heart that whenever i go out for shopping, i should ask her and when ever i go out to any places like beach, parks or site seeing , i should invite her.
    Some kind of feeling i would be getting, again i would be feeling guilty like why i haven't asked and so many thoughts.
    But in most cases i can't invite like when i go to shoping, i keep different other things on the way.
    Also when we go out to sight seeing etc, i can't call as you know it is not easy to call as I think, because if we call other person we can't be as we wish, we have to think about the other person and go accordingly etc,.
    My question is how do you guys do when u have some one sharing a room like that. How can I escape from such thoughts, what should i do.
    How can i escape from such guilty thoughts, So many such thoughts are coming up.
    But that girl didn't express that she would be coming, but my mind is coming up with such thoughts.
    One more thing is , when this girl first came to house for the room,as the room was occupied by some other person and there is 15days for the other girl to vacate,i told casually only living room is there to stay , she told she would be trying other friends places, but that girl took for granted and came with luggage to stay, (of course she can stay in cheaper B&B but she didn't stay in B&B i think she trying to save money)as we can't say no as she is girl we gave consideration and given the living room for her, but we have charged only utility bill amount which was nothing,(I can say 2days B&B amount for the whole of 15days which no one will give to a unknown person, but we have given) as it was the first time we gave the living room and you know how indians are we have lot of courtesy and helping nature.
    As she is engaged her boyfriend lives in a different place which is 5hrs drive from our place, the place where her boyfriend lives is a nice senery place, as i gave a living room for 15days which is like nothing, i feel in my heart to go that place see the seneries and stay for two nights, but i can't ask that i would like to stay. What should i do?
    Coming to that girl, she is not having any great helping nature or a gratitude at least saying thanks when we timely helped her. Nor her boyfriend never said thanks.Nor her sister whostays 2hrs far from this place, they don't have that courtesy of saying thanks.
    At first i thought we can discuss saying for twodays in boyfriend place, but seeing there attitudes i don't feel.

    Friends, how do you react or be to this type of people, who don't have a courtesy of saying thanks.When i don't know them at all and given a room in timely nature(even her friends were not able to help)
    Friends you may thinking that i am so stupid writing all this message, please don't think like that , i need your replies, as my mind is flowing with this thoughts i thought to pen here and be away from such thoughts.
    Sorry for my gramatical mistakes and frame of the passage isnot so great.
    Please reply me friends.
    Thanks a lot.
    meena
     
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  2. mlk2009

    mlk2009 Bronze IL'ite

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    What you are expecting is normal, but since you see a consistent behavior from her where there is no display of basic manners, why are you still expecting it. Be the strict landlady and move on.

    Expectations end up in disappointments. So please accept that she is thankless and that's her nature and leave it at that.
     
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Meena Dear

    first things first....

    If you want to help her..pls do...but dont expect / even think that she would return that...I mean you have invited her so dont expect she would invite you...

    If you read my previous threads..i had similar problems..I used to cook lots of food for my neighbours and help them out by going that extra mile...but when I was neck down in water..no one came to my rescue..because i am not their priority.

    So first of all, there is no need for you to go that extra mile. Dont think she is alone as you know She is engaged and her fiancee lives in the same country. If she needs help she has her friends and if she doesnt have friends, she would surely open her mouth and ask you...

    You have to put a limit on what you can/cannot do..if not she would surely take you for a ride. Being nice is not a bad thing...but dont expect that she too would return that niceness. People are different. Their brought up is different. Mindset is different.

    Its not mandatory for you to take her everywhere you go. Remember, you are not her care taker. She is a PG. so you got to set those ground rules. Or else in no time you would feel annoyed about her stay. dont over do it.

    We think , that being an Indian girl, she needs our help and support, she is alone, how she would manage etc, but think if you werent around how would she manage?You already got those suttle signals of how she is taking you for granted. So time for you to buckle up and lay some ground rules and pls dont shower extra love and care. As you would be hurt if its not reciprocated. she is not your kid.she is a mature adult. Offering out of courtesy is ok. But dont think its mandatory as she is living in your house. she is a tenant, not a member of the house...

    Hope you be strong:thumbsup!!!
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2009
  4. meena12

    meena12 New IL'ite

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    Thanks mlk2009 for the reply.
     
  5. meena12

    meena12 New IL'ite

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    Hi Srividya,
    Thanks for your reply. What you said is correct and i agree with you.
    I have read your previous thread after you have mentioned in the post. BTW, how is your neighbour is she still asking for help, did you completely ignore her.
    Last weekend is Diwali, at least she is not able to wish for Diwali,on Diwali day we went out, but morning we were there in the house, or next day she can wish. i was suprised how people are . Before day of Diwali i have wished her, she replied same to you. Diwali is very auspisious day for them that is why i am saying all this.
    Before diwali day i thought of giving Choclates, but after seeing the attitude of her, i thought no point in giving to such people.
    She never said she would join when we go out, it is in my heart i feel to say to join or ask if she wants anything if we go to the shops.
    As per your message, you say that if we give an opportunity of help the may sit on our heads, so you say that i should avoid, when ever i see her say hi and hallo that's all.

    I think i should be strong in such things as you said. This is what i will be doing from now.
    First thing if I wanted to give i will give but i will not expect any return. Exceptation leave to sorrows do you agree?
    One more thing when ever i cook something different like idly, dosa etc, i have given to her in a plate.
    But she never gave anything, when i go to kitchen for my work, if she is cooking and if I get nice smell, i generally nice smell (generally i say not with a attitude of she will give), she will say if you want you can have, but see i don't have an habbit of having from someone's cooked vessel,I never had as i feel she is not giving wholeheartedly unless they give me in a plate. I never seen her giving, even she cooks different dish.
    I felt i should avoid giving, except once in a while as she is a tenant may be if i feel i will give without any expectations. Just to maintain the relationship i may give once in a while.
    Do you think am i right.
    Thanks for the reply.
    meena
     
  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Meena

    Perfect you got it right!!!

    After lot of serious rejections and upsetting behaviours...i spoiled lot of my days and mood and my husband also used to get upset with the way I was...as no one understands what is our problem..

    our problem is we are super nice and we think and expect the same in return from everyone...but thats not the case...everyone is different,..everyone grows up differently....different cultures, values and upbringing..what may seem nice to you is not nice to me...so there lies the difference

    usually i see some of my neighbours here..as soon as they come to my home..they just act all independent as if its their house...they open the fridge take water, juices , soda , what ever they want but hwen i go to their house...they dont offeranything and i wont ask anything or open their fridge...and if i feel thirsty also i request them for a glass of water..that too after lot of waiting they get a glassof water...sometimes it really sucks...

    best thing i started lately is..i do it only if i feel like doing it..not for being nice..in this country all we have to care about is our comfort....if tomorrow you fall sick, no one would help you...even that girl would act different as if she has got nothing to do with you....(even after eating all the food you cooked, going out to all places with you, living in your home...her reason might be i am paying rent...)

    so best thing....practise attachment with detachment....dont over do anything...If you cook something and want to give her..give her thats all...that is for your self satisfaction....not for showing off how good you are....to feel good, you dothings..for yourself...one part of it is showing affection and extending help towards others....if they return it or not is upto them...thats their part...so dont expect...

    its going to be very happy the moment you start expecting..as you would cut off that emotional bond which you had made virtually....gives lot of releif...

    Yes, I implemented it, and anytime if i feel a bit low or upset, i still tell myself, i remind myself she is just a neighbour...doesnt deserve a chance to waste my time on her....

    For Diwali, i had gone and given her some sweets , thats all nothing much...and listened to her about what she bought eetc..etc..and came home...literally i stopped thinking about her...i am being nice for my sake...not for others to like me anymore...its a big releif...
     
  7. meena12

    meena12 New IL'ite

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    Thanks srividya for your replies,i am getting stronger. one more incident i have to tell you, we had a internet connection that contract came to end, as you know now a days there are lot of packages coming up, we don't use TV . she at first told she is planning for a TV package of getting some channels.
    I was looking for broadband and phone best price, i remember this girl saying that she is looking for a TV package, so i thought for three together i could get a best price and share the price, for three together it was 28 dollars and even if i take two together it was 28dollars i spoke to her and told her she can pay 10dollars i will pay remaining, she told that that channels are not so great , so she is looking for hindi channels, an another company say y company is offering hindi channels and they have a deal of 32dollars. so i told this girl that she can pay 11dollars, you know what she is said the ealier company is giving 28dollars for both the broadband and phone package as we have decided to pay to take that deal, this girl said she will pay 4dollars (32-28) and she wants 200 channesl, i was shocked by hearing that and dumstuck,this is how people are , they want all the benefits at a low price. I thought how she can ask she didn't feel shame to ask. Luckily in that package there is a twist which i came to know lately that we have to pay some addtional installation fee , i told her the same, she kept quiet.
    Sorry vidya to bore you.
    Thanks



    its going to be very happy the moment you start expecting..as you would cut off that emotional bond which you had made virtually....gives lot of releif...

    I think in the above line it is unhappy the moment we start expecting.....


    thnaks a lot.
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Ooops...my bad:hide: It should STOP expecting!!!:)

    Pls dont try to be extra nice to her...it wont work that way for such people. the moment you say and show you are independant and free of all these nice acts...she would come around...and even if she doesnt it really is a very big learning for us...

    why dont you just see wht you want and let her deal with what she wants...why you have to suggest what she can take/not...unless she comes n asks for help..if you offer help its not even good...its not acceptable..
     
  9. ALPA

    ALPA Platinum IL'ite

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    HI dear,

    the lady is just renting a room at your place so why have expectations from her, there are people like that in this life let me give you an example, my cousin bro my mum's bro's son stayed with us for almost 10yrs as his father had kicked him out of the house and he was the same age as my elder sis and bro and my dad treated him like his own son also started a company for him did everything for him this guy one fine day at night goes back to his house and hisfather and sis come home the next day to collect his clothes, he went away without saying good bye or anything and my father and mother were very hurt with this for my younger sis and i we always thought he was our real bro, and it was shock to us when he left. After a few yrs our family went through a huge financial crisis and we lost every thing, this cousin of mine did not even come and ask us whether we needed help or not, nor was he there morally for us. so the lesson we learnt was never go out of your way to help anyone, do not expect anything from anyone. Do what you can.
    we had done a lot for this cousin of min and his family but then we rrealised they were being selfish.

    SO my dear leave it do not expect anythng from her, is she askes you a question just give a reply to it do not say anything further to it give here the same treatment she is giving you. It will be betterfor you as well. I know you ahve a good heart and you are making her feel at home.

    love
    alpa:cheers
     
  10. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Meena,
    you seem to be a very innocent girl.
    I came to Chennai from a very social set up, where all the 200 families were close and still are. But once I came here, I learnt to be cool and offer and give help only to a level. Once or twice, I had tried to be too helpful and had suffered heartaches due to that. So, now it is always keeping a distance. That is convenient for me and for others too. And I never expect anything from the person I help. This saves me from disappointments.
    So try to stay cool and supress your helping nature, not only to your tenent but others too. Go closer only when the other person is reciprocating.
     

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