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How Do You Handle Disappointments?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by hridhaya, Jun 18, 2018.

  1. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    I consider myself to be an empath who tries to give my 100% to others. I consider others problems as mine and work it out in my mind and give my best output. At the same time, I get disappointed if others don't meet my expectations. I don't expect them to be same like me but I expect some amount of transparency and returns. It's also hard for me to distrust a person.

    An old friend of mine wouldn't hesitate to chat or call if she needs to be heard but she didn't have the courtesy to inform me beforehand that she was coming to India. I found out when I pinged her casually. I have not seen her reciprocating much when she didn't need me.

    Another incident happened recently when a friend didn't disclose something on a transaction that involved us too. If I was in her position, I would have updated the involved people as soon as I could. I couldn't handle the indifference on her part.

    So my question is how do you handle disappointments? We often hear that we allow others to hurt us. can you remain unaffected by others behaviour,especially the ones you care?
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2018
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  2. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    Expecting others to behave in the way we want is a very unscientific and unrealistic expectation. Such an expectation can never be fulfilled.

    You can change your own thought process and attitude not others' ones.
     
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  3. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    +1
    Exactly.

    One way I am trying...trying is operative word... is to change myself.

    I always ask these questions:
    "ok this situation did not go as I expected.
    Can I still eat, laugh, watch a movie,and continue on with my life" - the answer usually is "yes"
    "Has the world ended?" - the answer is always "no"

    If the disappointment is caused by a person treating you bad:
    " Is there any one person who treats you well in this world?" .. the answer is always "yes".
    I then tell myself, " ok focus on that and move on."

    Not easy, but 50% of our stress reduces.
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2018
  4. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    Hi I agree with what you are saying. But it doesn't mean one will never feel disappointed. Disappointment happens because we emotionally invested in someone which is a good human behaviour (non robot like).

    I just would like to know how people get over disappointments because I am not in control of myself at all times. Especially in situations when you cannot confront the person and ask about their behaviour.
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2018
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Take it as a learning experience. I did exactly that when I was disappointed with a friend's behaviour some years back.

    I was sad. Complained n whined to my husband. Realized sometimes people just move on when many new things are happening to them. They might not mean harm but they just don't "care" as much as we do. That's what I realized when I questioned about the disappointment.

    What can you do ? tone it down to their level. It's hard for the over "caring" people like us but not impossible. I try to remember the way I felt, the pain n the sorrow, it helps to realize that they are not worth all that energy n emotions.
    Still friends - yes, emotional investment- less.
    It lifts a load off you, n dealing with people becomes easier.
    Keep the special 'care' only for the people who really cares.
     
    sindmani and hridhaya like this.
  6. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    You are right word to word. I am going through the same emotions right now. I am convincing myself in multiple ways to set the right equation. It's better to be detached from people from the beginning itself but one cannot form long lasting meaningful relationships with that approach. Somehow it makes me feel people are bad inherently. Thanks a lot for your reply. Am glad you identified with me.
     
  7. goldenhoney87

    goldenhoney87 Silver IL'ite

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    My disappointments are countless. I always think I gave my best towards a relation.MY mother often tells me that she would be very happy if she had one friend like me of her age.I had way too many disappointments.It was very hard to deal with my mind intitially .Later on I understood the only way out is lesser the expectation more the happiness in any relationship.THe more we forgive the more happiness( easy to say though.but we can slowly practice this in our day to day lives). Couple of years back I had a very very very very bitter incident with a friend few days right before my postgraduation exams. I thought i would definitely fail with all the ongoing agitation in my mind.The only thing that popped up in my mind at that time was incase I fail the reason would be very obvious in my mind forever .It would even appear on the certificates that I flunked which will in turn make me remember that incident forever. So i kept saying to myself 'yes she didn't care.so what? Am I going to sit over and ponder forever?is it worth?Is it worth to have a certificate that states that i failed in my exam for such a person'.
    Some how I motivated myself and studied those few days.All went well.
    From that day onwards any disappointment doesnt seem as big as that .Incase i miss a friend with whom I didnt share a great relation in the past I still text them that i remember then and never care for the reply.
    I guess its more of a experience I shared to your question rather than an answer.:rolleyes:
     
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  8. Srama

    Srama IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @hridhaya ,

    I wrote a long response earlier, then deleted and then your last response made me write again and this is not small either. I am posting again, because I felt from this in the first post to
    to this in the last one?

    No no no! I think you should not let incidences affect your lovely personality this much!

    From time to time we all feel disappointed with relationships. If you believe that what ever you give is because you want to give, you will feel better. See I might sound rude but say your friend who calls with problems may be is seeking to vent out or is seeking empathy, sees it in you and reaches out to you. If you cannot take her calls say three times in a row, she might seek it elsewhere and stop calling you. If she is a good friend of course she will call again the fourth time and say "hey, what's happening you have been my rock but you have been busy". There's a winner right there!

    I am not sure how to put it but I will be blunt - most of the time we give because we want to give and out of our own volition - never mind we put aside what we are doing, sacrifice our me time or whatever. If we can't someone else will. Knowing why we do what we do will help us understand our own selves better. When we say shouldn't set expectations on others, we are again looking at others and not us. Most of the time I have been happy to say that I was able to be there for someone and when it comes to me and y needs, guess what I do get help from other people (not form the same ones that I helped and I might come across as that person who took help and never reciprocated). All good always goes around and I believe it only moves forward. This enlightenment :biggrin: happened only recently when a friend mentioned "thanks to people like you, people like us benefit indirectly!"

    You already are in a strong position, you know with your first friend that she calls you when she needs you - it is for you to just leave it at that. This is what people mean when they say don't set expectations on others. She not telling you about India trip can be brushed off as 'nothing new' - she didn't need you she didn't tell you! Now the onus is on you to decide how much you want to be in her life. If you continue to be, it is because you want to be and deep down somewhere you believe that you are making a difference.

    In the second case, you know you would never have done what the other person has done. It is not a bad idea to tell her that in a gentle way, especially if involves money or some such thing (since you used the word transaction). I know it is easy to write off or speak openly with acquaintances and new relationships and help over and over again the ones who matter to us and it is the ones we think we are close to, that hurt us the most at times. Wallowing in that hurt, we tend not to give a second chance to new people and relationships - hence my belief in self enquiry! I learnt this lesson only after being told that whatever (good) I have done is because I wanted to. Absolute truth - it is because of my definition of a good friend, good sister, good whatever! And then I also have a spouse who never fails to remind me that we are in a position to give and that we should celebrate that ability, even if at times we feel that others are taking advantage of us!!

    So please do what you can for others, even if you feel disappointed but don't forget to appreciate the other others who are there for you and remember these very people who are there for you might have not sought your help and it doesn't mean they are not seeking elsewhere or don't need it! It is all about passing on and appreciating what's coming back (in a different way and form) The peace you get is tremendous and you will feel that the world is a good place and that people in general indeed are good. Keep that hridhaya the way it is! Don't lose it.

    Did I complicate it enough going in circles? Job well done :beer-toast1:.
     
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  9. signature

    signature Bronze IL'ite

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    This happens all the time with good people. Some people are selfish and they use others. When people hurt or disappoint me, I may sulk for a couple of days and then bounce back to life. If the offender repeats his/her mistake, I openly talk to them how they hurt me and I distance them. Many people have have appreciated that becoz I made them aware of their carelessness and they have come back to be good friends again. Those who refuse to realise lose my friendship. It is difficult to let ppl who use us to continue to use and ill treat us. Without such people I am lighter and happier.
     
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  10. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences. It has been very uplifting and my focus on the issues has come down.

    Dear @Srama,
    You have given a lot to think about. Thanks for the detailed thoughtful post.
    Sorry if I sounded like I am going to change from one end to another, from trusting to distrusting. I did not mean that and I know it is distasteful attitude. I just don't want to fall repeatedly and get hurt because it is my personality to become involved (specifically in my head) with the other person quickly. I am not busy with many things in life and hence I think I take these things seriously.
    Quite true.
    Sorry,I didn't quite get what your friend tried to convey. Can you elaborate a little?
    Makes sense.
    True. One tends to be forgiving with the near and dear ones but not so with others.
    Thanks. I will keep that in mind for sure. Any day, I would prefer disappointments over distrust because the act of doing something(however little they are) to others makes me feel I am alive within and I can sought the help of members of Indusladies to dust myself if I fall to get going :)
     
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