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how do you feel when you go to Inlaws house first from abroad/living in other cities?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Renu1999, Jan 12, 2010.

  1. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    whenever we go to India it is the condition that (I cannot change )I have to go my Inlaws place.Because my inlaws place is only 30 min away from my parents place and everyone in my inlaws place know each other so whenever In the past I went to my parents place first they felt so bad. And all the neighbors keep asking them about that as If like something bad really happened. so to avoid that I decided to go to my inlaws place. And my mom is perfectly ok with that.

    both of our (parents and inlaws ) place is in small village (and there is no airport facility available) it is usually 8 to 9 hrs from chennai. so we generally go to chennai. and get night train from chennai and reach around 6 or 7 in the morning.

    worst thing is my parents place is first stop (when you go by train from chennai to our village ) and then my inlaws place are next stop and the train halts at my place atleast for 30 min.

    whenever train reaches that station and I see everybody getting down and hugging their parents I literally cry. ( always pray that one day I will go there directly with out any big trouble) sometimes my father (in late 60's) comes there in the morning cold just to say hi and he always says dont worry go there happily I will come and see you at your inlaws place. and buys some flowers for me.
    But my mind could never accept this situation. Being married is the only thing that restricts me from getting down at that station. But I do see my parents in 8 hr difference I may go to my parents place the same day evening but I really feel bad whenever I see that particular station.
    But for my husband his father always comes to station and picks us happily.
    It is really cold now and I feel really bad thinking about this situation now I dont know why this situation comes to my mind very often. so I thought I will share it with you all. If you have any experience like that please do share with me.
     
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  2. Sujimallige

    Sujimallige Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: how do you feel when you go to Inlaws house first from abroad/living in other cit

    Dear renu,

    I also have something to share here.

    It is about my first time coming to US.It was my first time and i wanted to come from my parents ouse but as usual it was decided that it should be from my in laws house.You know how exciting it will be when we are flying for the first time that too to be with your husband.But no...in my in laws house it was as if they were about to do some ones shradh like that atmosphere.No shopping,no buying sweets or no eating outside (as we wont get gud food here).No excitement at all...

    I dont know why they insist that we should be there when they dont even like us???

    When i visited india they insisted that i go to their house first but somehow i was v strong and went to parents house.

    Hope some day your wish gets fulfilled dear renu.

    How i wish i can rewind the clock and make my first journey to US exciting and full of fun..

    suji
     
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  3. maggi99

    maggi99 Senior IL'ite

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    Re: how do you feel when you go to Inlaws house first from abroad/living in other cit

    Renu, Am in tears reading this. I have nothing to reply though...
     
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  4. Sujimallige

    Sujimallige Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: how do you feel when you go to Inlaws house first from abroad/living in other cit

    I agree with maggie...this post was sad to read for me too.Imagine waiting at the railway station just for a glimpse of the daughter.

    suji
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2010
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  5. swaram

    swaram Senior IL'ite

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    Re: how do you feel when you go to Inlaws house first from abroad/living in other cit

    Renu,

    Whenever I go to India with DH or by myself, the rule is I have to go to his house first and spend few days and then go to my place. But my family will always visit me on the day we land at my IL's place and sometimes come to the airport too just to spend the 10 min at the airport. Both houses are in chennai.

    Nowadays I follow that rule only if we both go, If I go by myself I go to my house straight from the airport. I reasoned it with DH and we have reached an agreement. I have made 2 or 3 trips by myself with kids and I go to my house from the airport and after few days visit IL's. His parents do not come to see me or kids when I am at my place , like how my family does. But they do try to make this a big issue everytime, but I chose to turn a deaf ear or tell them directly, I am not doing anything different than what your daughters do. They still try to make it as unpleasant as it can be even before I board the plane.

    I go with my decision and that gives me peace. Try following this if you make separate trips.

    Swaram
     
  6. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    Re: how do you feel when you go to Inlaws house first from abroad/living in other cit

    I think it is best to discuss this with your DH and reach a compromise both of you can live with. I like the idea that if you are going on your own, you should be able to go to your parents' house first.

    This is how I deal with it in my own way. If I have to go to IL's hpuse first, it is good. I can spent time then to overcome jetlag, get adjusted to indian time, and then be all fresh and ready to spend quality time with my side of the family :) and since I have come 'first' to their house, they cannot complain about me not giving them priority. That's what I call killing 2 birds with 1 stone ;-)
     
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  7. HariSriPriya

    HariSriPriya Senior IL'ite

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    Re: how do you feel when you go to Inlaws house first from abroad/living in other cit

    IT is really sad to read ur post.. My parents and inlaws both r in same city.. My parents (aged in late 70s) used to come and see us in airport and we goto inlaws place first( THUMB RULE of our community-stupid rule).. and we goto our parents place only after few days.. tht too i need to remind my DH so many times tht my parents r waiting to see us.... My inlaws place will always hv some issues, work to do for 24 hrs ,, If nothing they simply raise some stupid irrelevant things and talk for hours(intentionally or not only GOD knows it)... so we wont get time to visit my parents for first 2-5 days , sometime even 1 week.. so for we went 3 times and all the time it happened like this only.. Initially i used to be so sad and cry but no use.. I realised when i feel a lot one way or the other my parents r also getting upset.. SO i stopped crying for all these .. I used to spend 10-15 min in airport talking with my parents .. make them happy and will tell them we will visit after 4 days inadvance so tht i m not making them to expect and feel... it is really bad but i dont want to argue or bring some frustration between me and DH so i just let it go ...

    I guess this is wht made me silent : If i wait and go after 4 days my MIL wont create any pbm , my DH will also be happy to come to my parents place and we will hv gud time for the entire trip

    If i argue and make him to take me on the same day or next day,he will not be happy, wont talk properly, my inlaws will talk rubbish things in the remaining days.. our trip wont be peacefull...

    Everyone will hv different ways to handle this situation, my way is this...to answer ur question - yes definitely i am also feeling bad to goto my inlaws place first.. WISH TO VISIT MY PARENTS FIRST...
     
  8. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: how do you feel when you go to Inlaws house first from abroad/living in other cit

    First 2 times I went alone with just my kid so went to mom's house first and then went to Inlaws house. But if I go with DH, I am sure I have travel 4-5 hours to their place from the airport and set foot at their place only.
    Although I live in Chennai and we land there, they will drag us to their place even if its midnight without even freshening up at my parents house.

    All this drama happens only in Indian households I guess... I am guessing Westners just get off the flight and go to whoever house is nearby or just crash at a hotel and visit everybody together the next day...
     
  9. Menku

    Menku Junior IL'ite

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    Re: how do you feel when you go to Inlaws house first from abroad/living in other cit

    I know its very very sad that we have to see our IL's, but my situation is very different. My husband never tells me to go and live with his parents cos he knows that there are issues between and the chances are remote that the issues will ever be resolved. But If I let him go and live with his parents by himself without me being around - I am digging a GRAVE for myself. They discuss me all the time, will keep asking him so what else is new ??? anything fresh from your side?? you don't tell us anything??? you have become a hen pecked husband ??? you are like other men who forget their parents cos of their wife ???? They influence him so much with all the negative things ABOUT ME and BRAIN WASH him that by the time I see him after 7 -10 days of staying apart he's like a pressue cooker and he is ready to burst and he just fights and picks up a fight on smallest issue and anything and everything I say is taken negatively - portraying me as a complete BITCH ! So look at the positive side girls and atleast you dont have to go thru what I hve to after staying seperately. And to be honest cos I know this is what is coming my way after staying away I really dont enjoy the time at my parents house ! Have you got any suggestions for me ???
     
  10. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: how do you feel when you go to Inlaws house first from abroad/living in other cit

    I somewhat agree to this. I used to get afraid of this during initial years of marriage . Now we are married for 7 years and I am sure my husband knows about me. Even then as you said after staying with them for few days by himself he will come and ask me some question like did u talk back to my mom and something like that. I ignore him . Never justify him.... After month or so this things will fade away.. atleast in my case
     

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