1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

How Do You Face Criticism Of Being Called Unlucky

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mangaii, Jan 20, 2022.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    11,658
    Likes Received:
    28,330
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Your husband stopped sending money to his well-off sister when he lost his job. Money stopped coming from America -- this can be very frustrating for siblings of NRI's. They think the money flow should still continue. So, she takes it out on you.

    People who are so shameless as her that they stop taking your calls after their adult child cleans up your bank account cannot be reasoned with. Being blunt with them or ceasing all contact - neither of this will bring you peace. She will still be in contact with your husband and that will be enough to wreck your mental peace.

    Your husband is a good man but he seems to be the gentle kind of person who cannot say No or Stop It to sister. When she says you have brought bad luck to him, his response is that software career has ups and downs. His response should ideally be: "Stop this nonsense. No one brings bad luck to anyone. Don't talk like that about my wife. She has supported me in the toughest of times." But he will not say this. Not his fault. They grew up in a family where it is OK to spew garbage like X brought bad luck to Y and for one sibling to continuously give hard-earned money to the not-needy sibling.

    Adding to the many useful suggestions that have poured in, I'd like to say that any human being who hears such hurtful words again and again will end up feeling like how you do now. It will give rise to self-doubt. There's nothing wrong or weak in how you are reacting to this. I hope you are able to identify the best ways to respond to her comments during the conversations and to calm your mind when you recall the conversations.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2022
    shravs3, mangaii, Metamorphic and 3 others like this.
  2. Dreamer

    Dreamer Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    251
    Likes Received:
    163
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male
    @Rihana Not everyone can take a stand
     
    mangaii and Rihana like this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,598
    Likes Received:
    10,862
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Ask your husband whether he believes his sister's accusations?
    If he says no, then ask him why he didn't make any efforts to stop his sister from talking garbage like this.
    If he gives you an exploration - most probably his inability to stand up before sister- accept him & his weakness. But tell him it is haunting your mental peace.

    Also, inform your husband that you are forced to defend for yourself since you have no protection from him when it comes to emotional abuses as such.

    Never bring up this topic again with husband & ruin your relationship.

    But, respond to your SIL then & there. The next time when she brings up this conversation, ask her to stop. Your tone should be bold, firm, yet polite.
    If she talks further, tell her you understand her concerns after the money stopped coming from the US. And you sympathise for that.
    But it is better she rather respect the reality than looking for a short cut to ensure the money flow.
    Again, maintain the soft, polite tone but speak firmly.
    Do not entertainment further conversation. Disconnecte the line by saying you are busy.

    Maintain this each time, and you will see the difference soon.

    If she complains anything to your husband, tell him you just asked her to stop abusing you & that's all. Again maintain cool with H. Do not entertain any argument or complaints. But just use your sense of humour to lighten the atmosphere.

    Good luck
     
    mangaii, Amica and Rihana like this.
  4. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,008
    Likes Received:
    8,326
    Trophy Points:
    460
    Gender:
    Female
    You are not unlucky for anyone. Believe in yourself and recognize the value you bring to your DH's life. When your DH was unemployed, you were the one who kept the family afloat. He is lucky to have you.

    Any time your SIL asks for help, gently remind her that she thinks you are unlucky and any financial aid from you will be accompanied with your bad luck. Also, mention that since she's the lucky one, she should be the one sending money to your ILs and to you.

    You and she had a good relationship before her son misappropriated your money. Put her comments down to her guilt and defensiveness. I hope your relationship gets back to being a good one.
    .
     
    shravs3, mangaii and Metamorphic like this.
  5. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    211
    Likes Received:
    257
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Op,

    My simple answer is when ur SIL starts speaking nonsense, just disconnect and block her (permanently) on phone and inform hubby about it.

    If in person SIL is saying nasty thinhs just walk out of the room (if u r at inlaws) and dont do any house hold work till SIL apologies. If anyone comes in defense for SIL(including hubby) straight away say u r allowing her at ur home (after marriage inlaws house is urs) instead of approaching any local police.

    Be upfront and loud enough while speaking.
     
    mangaii likes this.
  6. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    319
    Likes Received:
    574
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    I would just agree with her accusations and say that since you are doing so well, please help us with x amount. Repeat that whenever required. Let your husband know that you are just having fun with her.
     
  7. stayblessed

    stayblessed Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    831
    Likes Received:
    1,553
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    That's such a hurtful comment. Any one who hears such remarks repeatedly will feel like how you feel. I used to think like how you do too. But the minute the thought crosses my mind I just say a silent prayer to God thanking him for all the positives in my life. Because I have to be honest to God I force myself to recollect the positives which in turn helps me. My grandma used to say a tamil saying thalaiku vandhadhu thalai paagai yoda pochu, meaning much worse things are averted by one worst thing and so be thankful everytime a bad thing happens. Of course this can't be applied for everything. But in this particular case you can definitely say this. I dont know how to retort to such people, may be a blunt mind your own business might help. Because its hard to reason out with such people.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2022
    mangaii and SuiDhaaga like this.
  8. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,089
    Likes Received:
    1,416
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I don’t understand your situation and interactions with Husband, in-laws and their children’s, but I thought of comical and sarcastic response based on There's No Such Thing As Evil Eye But Do You Sometimes Wonder?

    Can you tell her to limit interaction with you and if she cannot avoid, then light camphor and make her children stand in front of her.

    Again, I dunno how you would reply (hec, I don’t know how I would reply!), but I thought of this response after participating in the other thread
     
    mangaii likes this.
  9. aks12

    aks12 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    31
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    This is more of an issue between your husband and your sil and he should be able to resolve it responsibly.
     
    mangaii likes this.
  10. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,351
    Likes Received:
    1,646
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I would like to thank everyone who took time to reply
    We are not in a situation to cut her off .

    It is just every time she picks up a complaint against me and starts focusing on that and my husband gets diverted. I have to agree he has very ineffective way of communicating things. When he defends she gets more aggressive. If we say we have savings she will ask for house, on the other hand if we say we not enough money she will blame my luck. Either way the argument goes on without any end. Her calls usually end with such a depressing note and there is another round of calls from relatives about how much she has done and how we are focusing on money and how my husband promised my MIL he will take care of her till the end. Then again this story continues . It is like a mega serial which never ends. Every weekend is the same thing.

    But in this process what either party don't realize is about my feelings.Her anger and her frustration and her imagination are extreme. There is not even a consequence for any of her words because she knows she can talk anything and gets away because of her age and her contribution to the family.

    It is hard place to be in. With wfh and not many opportunity to meet people outside I'm scared one day I'm going to breakdown completely. This is weighing down on me more than I thought it would and feel like I have no tools in my hand to handle this kind of accusation from her. It is like she comes up with something which happened before 15 years. I don't even remember anything.

    I don't know how to end this without hurting her because every one only sees that she is getting hurt and she is old but no one can understand what I'm going through. Although I try to pretend like a strong person outside I'm sensitive inside and I break down easily. I just need a calm mind which will not bring million things in front of me.
     

Share This Page