How Do You Deal With A Sexless Marriage ?

Good initiative op! Topics like these are often brushed under the carpet.
I don't know why when people discuss about sex, they get rude responses as if it's a sin.
Sex is an emotional and physical requirement just as water, air and food to survive.

I too didn't have any interest in sex before my marriage. Being too ambitious and bookwormish, i spent all my teenage and college days over books, books and more books.

So after my arranged marriage, when the first night ritual came, i was embarassed, confused with my own thoughts and confused with how to deal with it and top of that my husband was eagerly waiting for the night.
My DH did understood me thankfully and gave me space to let my thoughts settle down.
After few days of marriage, when we made love for first time, it was all weird. I didn't knew what I wanted. But i knew he enjoyed it. He was happy and i saw the love for me in his eyes.
He assumed I liked it too and asked for more. I unknowingly insulted him for thinking about sex all the time.
It created a rift between us. Since we both were just few days old into the marriage, we didn't know how to deal with all this.

I refused for sex for the next few days. Then he started slowly understanding me and he never forced me for it. I too started slowly accepting him whole heartedly and understood that men have usually more desire for sex than women.
Women need to connect emotionally to enjoy physical intimacy while men want mainly physical intimacy though they too connect emotionally to certain extent.

Now 6months after marriage, we both being working professionals, hardly get time to make love.

There are days when we just doze off without sex with just foreplay.
There are days when we feel intensely and have sex 3-4times in a day.

Since we both have developed an understanding, we have no issues as we voth are on same page.

But I too wonder how we would manage once the pregnancy and kids come into the picture. Still a long way to go though.

I feel sex is really important in marriage. May not be more than love& respect but it is def not less either.

Sex helps marriage bond to strengthen as both couple come closer emotionally as well as physically.

 

I think that communication, and consistent effort in bridging the gap are the key. The presumption that men wont understand or care about women's pre and post pregnancy issues, periodical and menopause mood changes are quite a carry-over assumptions of past, at least with most educated men. How human body works are of common knowledge, so it is not going to be such a difficult task. The best way is to open up and get his support to pass through these phases, and double up non-sexual activities that will remain keep both closer.

In case of men, the challenging period for them is from late thirties to late forties. Even very healthy, physically fit and active men may get overwhelmed and dried out with career anxiety, mid life crisis, financial stresses; Stress and anxiety are the killer for men, irrespective of age, and more so in mid life . Interestingly, this is the period most women regain their interest in sex as well, perhaps after relieving themselves from close child care activities. This could further lead to another long dry spell, this time due to issues with men. Help your man to beat the stress and anxiety, make sure he do some regular exercise and eat well, to get best out of him.

Keeping physically active, healthy foods, at times doing shopping together even it means buying vegetables, dining together, good dressing and personal keeping, shoulder to shoulder evening walk (our favorite) - well, there is no limit what a couple can do to keep interest on each other. You just have to do.

 

Sexless-the word could also mean low libdio,impotency,psychological issues for the men involved. Low libdio,impotency inturn are due to imbalance in the male hormone which causes havoc psychologically for them-this in turn is reflected through poor decision making skills,poor self esteem,insecure about wife-trying to have her under control or doubting her for every possible reason etc.

Sex is a major stress buster for men and if that is missing,then they do not know how to channelize their stress.Men handle stress and depression much more different than women.

The women who come to this forum and say about lack of intimacy would have also dealt with all of the above factors as a side effect of their husband's low sex drive.

Low sex drive in man also makes the wife feels frustrated,stressed and depressed all the time.So her ability to talk calmly and reason out with her husband is also reduced.

I guess man's coupling of his sex drive with his image or self esteem has to be broken.He needs to understand that there is nothing wrong in having a low sex drive and seek professional help and be open to his wife about it.After all wife is going to be there with him for his lifetime and he needs to make sure that she is treated fairly.

 

Diabetic, low sex drive, impotency, hormonal problems, stress - none of these are unique to one sex. There is a female equivalent of impotency, called Female Sexual Dysfunction, or simply FSD, please google to learn to more about that, and consult with qualified doctors to get more details on any specifics.

So, what the women have to do if her husband having such issues? Exactly the same thing what they expect from their husband if they have such issues. No other short cuts. If you find your man mixing up his self esteem with sex drive, perhaps you are also partially responsible for that, knowingly or unknowingly, with your spoken or unspoken words or gesture. Be considerate and help him to overcome that. These are delicate issues, definitely resolvable but it takes time and patient.

Of late, the sedentary lifestyle, junk foods have taken heavy toll on general health on men and women, this is where the main problem. Better to take preventive measures, correct the lifestyle upfront than feel sorry later.

 

"With young children afoot and combined finances, where do men and women caught up in such neglectful marriages to partners go ?"

Neglect causes a lot of frustration and stressful atmosphere at home.Most of the women,who are not in a position to convey their feelings freely to their partners,will mostly yell at their loved ones to release their built up anger.

I am not sure if i am right at suggesting this option-but to maintain one's sanity for some time,until one collect their thoughts and strength to convey their feelings and needs to their partner,they can try masturbation-just as a quick fix to the problem and not as a solution to the problem at hand.

 

Marriage being the only relationship that involves intimacy between couple, no where to go in the absence of it. That said, possible choices are below according to me.

1. If the couple is young where there is enough time left to choose and settle with another partner - Call it quit, get married again and move on. No second thought.

2. If the couple is already in a loving family with children, possibly they can make up to some extent by using artificial means like toys, straps, prescribed medicine, and indulging in oral sex. Between a loving and understanding couple, there is no limit how they can make it up.

3. If the couple is already in a loveless family or feeling neglected or ignored - either call it quit and live separately as per your choice or continue as two individuals for the sake of children - in the later case self service is the only choice, . In the former case, there is limited chance of finding another partner. In either case, God knows how the wheels of time will change the things.

4. If the couple are in matured stage, well, already they might have evolved to be a soul mate, sex become less significant. But still they can indulge as in #2, no age limit to indulge in physical intimacy.

None of these choices are easy, the healthy partner will be hit hard but that is how it is, and it applies to both men and women. That being said, there is a honorable and dignified solution exist for every problem, I believe in this.

 

I dont know how people deal with it.With very high drive its impossible for me to keep myself sane.
i have one friend who told me she give it to him when he needs it.
She no more desires it after few months of marriage.
I think people with low libido or asexual have easy time dealing with it

 

I think many of us go through this phase in life and we are lucky to have a understanding husband. I remember this phase in my life long back Your post took me back to those days. Thanks.