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How Do You Deal With “peer Pressure” ?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by anika987, Jan 6, 2021.

  1. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    My kid broke down yesterday and was crying badly..

    I asked her why?

    She said she hated music class.Her teacher is very strict and she cannot the pressure.Plus she feels as a mom am also trying to make her do very well and that was the worst.That’s what she said.

    ( but her voice is really good! And I do not want her to quit as she sings really well)

    I felt bad...then I thought why am I pressurizing her...

    My close relative and me had put our daughters in Carnatic music but with different teaches. Everytime she says she makes sure her she gives her kid practice at home every single day.

    I do not do all that and I felt stressed...maybe that is the impact.

    Apart from that when I hear parents having family night outs,How they make sure their kids do not even watch any TV while eating which apparently am guilty of (I do it at times..),how they put their kids in kumon,coding etc..I feel quite stressed.

    The relative also constantly compares passive aggressively about the schools our kids go,what classes etc etc..

    I doubt my ability as a mom and want to do my best and probably that showed on the kid and she broke down..I understand.

    I also want to put my girl in classical dance as am a dancer myself but my daughter is least bit interested.My relatives constantly pressure me as to why am not putting my girl in dance as they have put their daughters in classical dance.

    Now I really understand what is peer pressure and it really doesn’t help when relatives live nearby:)

    Thankfully,I caught it at the right time..

    I need pointers on how to deal with this..

    I do not want to compare and I want other moms to help me on how they dealt with peer pressure and is it really worth the mental agony..
     
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  2. preethignan

    preethignan Silver IL'ite

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    Hi my daughter has a good voice too. I used to enroll her in music classes but every time I felt I had to push her to sing. In spite of having a great voice she didn't show keen interest in singing rather she has a flair for drawing. She used to keep drawing the whole day. After a certain point of time stopped her music classes and put her in drawing classes . Till now I don't regret it because she draws very beautifully. I was also questioned and criticized for taking her out of music classes but I was firm and didn't want to push her to which she was not interested. No point in forcing kids if they aren't interested.

    Just chill and relax and don't compare your kid with other kids. Each kid is different.

    As a mother you know what is best for your child. Ignore people around you and stand up firmly telling what interests your kid more and you are doing best for her.
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2021
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  3. Mehana

    Mehana Platinum IL'ite

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    Trying all the classes for your kid as a mom is always good but look for her interest as well.

    Don't even think about others mom's or kids...analyse and educate yourself. Yes discussing about classes with other parents is good to get knowledge but doesn't mean you have to follow the same path.

    One of my friend..she enrolled her kid(6years) online game coding(indian tutor some website she said)...even she updated the FB and whatsapp status with all the pictures that her kid did in coding class. She even told me why can't you enroll your kid it's really worth...but to my knowledge it is worthless... instead I enrolled my kid in online social class activities (story telling, crafting, fun bingo game etc).

    Don't stress too much as long your kid is good in education..extra classes go with her interests.
     
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  4. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    I may have read this here on this forum, or perhaps on some other desi forum ( I paraphrase the conversation from memory):

    Older Teenage Daughter: I wish I could play the piano..:disappointed:
    Mom: What !? When you were 10, you begged, cried, and went on hunger strike to make us stop your piano lessons. And we had to give in.
    OTD: How could you listen to a 10 year old:rage: ?
     
  5. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    You deal with peer pressure by not giving in to the pressure...you should appreciate your child for what she is and not force her beyond a a limit to be perfect..everyone's situation is different, some have support from their spouse, some dont...some can afford hired help and get free time for themselves, some cannot...some take extra effort in such extra curricular classes and some are unable to do so.
    Do what's best for you and your child..
    FYI I too have been under per pressure from my contemporaries, I.e ladies of my age group.. some are so well groomed, slim , so talented and perfectly maintaining their homes and taking part in all society events too...they and their kids are well dressed and not a hair out of place..I used to feel somewhat left out sometimes...then i realized that many of them were in nuclear families, so their workload was less..many had spouses with easier work schedules so they got help and support from their spouses after 7 or 8 pm...many were able to afford full time helpers for dusting and cleaning and maintaining the homes, and they preferred to spend lot of money on clothes and grooming whereas I'm the type who doesn't like to spend much unless necessary,..I'm more overloaded with chores and even prior to pandemic only was able to get a part time helper for sweeping and mopping and utensils.. since last year my husband and I have been having problems in our relationship..mainly due to in laws and health related issues which I have... so cannot expect same kind of lifestyle and grooming and activities that those ladies may have..
    More I would compare more peer pressure i would have...
    Now anyways I'm unable to meet anyone so the scope for peer pressure and comparison of very less...
    So we shouldn't compare.. we only feel miserable..
     
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  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    That was me and it was Bharatnatyam.
     
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  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Eight year olds say anything to make you feel guilty. It's sort of their job. Music lessons are ok. This can translate to other things too. As a mom, I've realized, albeit late, that it's alright to be THAT mother sometimes. It's a fine line though. On the one hand, we all want to be the cool friendly moms and dads but on the other, we want the kids to do well. Where to draw that line has been a constant quest in this parenting journey. What I did learn is that middle schoolers are too young to make their own decisions. Sometimes we have to stick to our guns and put our foot down. It is also ok to make mistakes along the way. As long as I don't make life miserable for the kid on most days, I take it as a success.
    And yes, as @Hopikrishnan pointed out, regardless of what one does as a parent the child will come back and point out how you sucked as a parent. So that's also something that we need to learn to deal with.


    By practicing it on yourself first. It starts with pushing the moms and then trickles down to the child. You have a lot of posts about this and lots of tips and pointers. Just continue doing whatever works for you and slowly it will stop bothering you so much. Only what bothers you can raise your hackles.

    Happy Parenting!
     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I have been on both the ends of peer pressure. This pressure manifests itself in the mind when moms talks about kids' activities or achievements. I felt it when some of my mommy friends talked about their kid's activities. Another set of moms felt it when I talked about my kid's activities.

    I used to be similarly stressed and insecure about my parenting. The second-guessing one's parenting style and choices is so draining. I happened to find a way to deal with it: talk with the moms who are causing the peer-pressure stress in your mind.

    Ask them how they get the child to practice daily. Talk about how to encourage a child who has the talent but being young does not want to spend too much time on it. Is it OK to bribe/reward the child for practicing? How to approach the music teacher for suggestions on making the practice more interesting?

    Talking about such things with those moms gives us some ideas to try with our child. It also shows us that the other mom/child is not perfect either and she has her own set of parenting issues to deal with.

    Of course, such discussion can make us feel more stressed. Or, the moms might not be willing to share ideas. But generally speaking, moms like talking about their kids, parenting and offering advice to others.
     
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  9. vidhyalakshmid

    vidhyalakshmid Platinum IL'ite

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    Anika, I have passed this phase recently. My DD learned carnatic music for 4 years. She has a bright voice and good memory skills also.Her teacher was strict and little mean also, not appreciating the good singing.
    My DD lost the interest and lethargic in daily practising. She resisted too much and finally, (un) sucessfully quit the class. I felt very sad and distressed. When I was pregnant, I used to sing her a lot. Both of us enjoyed it so much. My husband said not to push the kid based upon my interests. He always hates comparison, even mentioning about the other kids. Some times I watch her singing videos and get the solace helplessly. We can show the water to the horse, but it should get the urge to drink.
     
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  10. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    @anika987 - you are giving me this peer pressure :). Parents do what works for them and their kids. I agree with @Laks09, whatever we do, we got to be prepared that someday kids will tell us what we didn't do right.

    If it gives you any less pressure, my kids only do one extra thing: my 8 yo does Martial arts and 5 yo does gymnastics. They both were enrolled in both activities but they chose what they liked. They take swim classes in summer and that's it. No Kumon, Coding, or whatever. We spend a lot of time outdoors and read every night for an hour. They love that family time instead of running around to activities. Personally, we don't have time to take the kids to multiple activities. I would like my son to learn music someday because he has a beautiful voice but that has to wait until he is ready and I have time.

    Every kid is different. My son was reading at 2nd grade level in kindergarten and my kindergartner daughter hasn't picked up reading beyond short sentences but she loves art and can draw beautifully.

    I have friends who send kids to all sorts of activities but hey, good for them if they can do it!

    I will quote @Laks09 "By practicing it on yourself first."- This is the greatest pointer to help with peer-pressure/comparison.
     
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