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How do you deal controlling parents?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by jillcastle, Feb 2, 2016.

  1. jillcastle

    jillcastle Gold IL'ite

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    There was a Tamil movie which shows most traits of Indian parents. My dad was a typical Indian father. Being a girl, I could not decide what I liked to do. Be it color of salwar, length of skirt, which course to take in high school, which friend to mingle with, when to come home after an outing with friends, what to do with hard earned money, which car to buy, EVERYTHING had to be decided by my dad. And he did decide at least until a couple years ago. It was my marriage that changed it. I did not want to get into such a relationshop with my husband. I was sure I had to choose my husband. Never gave that option to my dad. With many struggles married the love of my life, who involves me equally in all decisions to be taken.

    But sometimes I feel the scar left by my father is still there. He is an excellent dad, loved me so much and always wanted the best for me. No doubt in that. But there is a famous dialog in that movie that suits my situation. The son tells his dad "You may have been proud for doing the best for your son. But the emptiness of not getting what I want would always kill me". I remember in my childhood my dad never allowed me to get a bicycle out of fear that I would end up in an accident. When all my friends were riding to school in cycle, I was the only high school student forced to go in a rishshaw. It embarassed me so much there have been so many days I walked to school (It was nearly 30 mins walk). At that age 30 mins walk did not matter, but the embarassment killed me. So much more episodes like this.

    Now though I stay far away from him, still he wants to control each and everything that happens in my house. These days I deal it by just saying "yes" to whatever he says, and my husband and I just do what we want to. My mom is very broad minded and I generally discuss everything with her. But I have so much hatred on my dad and I also feel sorry for him. I get so irritated when I talk to him, but later when I think about it I feel sorry as he is getting really old and decide not to yell at him. But cant keep it the next time I talk to him. He has the knack of getting on my nerves everytime I talk to him. He still wants to decide what color car we want to buy! :) Been asking him to do something in India that I cant do from here. He does not want to do it, and now the only option we have is to wait till we go to India and only then we can do it.

    When I am in a good mood, I just end up saying yes to all he says and manage to keep my head cool. But there are days when I am overwhelmed by happenings in our house. I dont discuss any of it with him, but on those days I explode at him, then later feel sorry for him. Just want to know how others deal with such parents when "ignore" is the only option. He wants to talk to us almost every day and I feel like I have to deal with a MIL whereas I actually have a very good relation with my in-laws.

    Vent over! :)
     
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  2. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    same to same dear!!
    But the only difference is I even got married to his choice at the age of 20.. I completed my degree early by one year even that was his decision to hike my age in the kindergarten. I still feel he ruined my beautiful years of the younger days which I am not going to get back.
    Now my daughter is 20 and is bindaasss!!!! dressing how she likes, eats what she wants, studies, higher studies, job everything we have left it to her, but at her age I suffered at the hands of in laws, SIL's occasionally and hubby being totally remote controlled by them, I was helpless, sad, not allowed to work... always advised by my parents to be a good DIL, adjust adjust adjust was all they would say...

    My Dad is 70+ now but is powerless and know's we dont listen to him any more, in laws are no more, now I am independent to take any decisions but still I miss my youth where I was controlled first by my Dad and then my in-laws.

    Never let your Dad know any of your plans, even if he advises on any issue quickly change the topic, inform him after everything is done, just smile at his suggestion and do want you want.
     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...you just have to let him know you can take your own decisions.
    Some parents are control freaks.
    Buy what you want.If he interferes...just say I like this and don't let it linger on.

    My dad was against me wearing skirts ...even ankle length ones although strangely he did not mind shorts.
    When he visited me after marriage for the first time...I was more than eight months pregnant.

    I greeted him in a pink knee length dress.(probably looked like one round pig)
    He immediately made a face and was about to comment.I let him know this is my house and I will wear what I want.He just muttered 'idiot' under his breadth and now he no longer comments on my dressings.And our relation is just fine.

    You can let parents know that you can take your decisions now.

    Another option is too not let them have the option of decision making at all by keeping him out of it.
     
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  4. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Many parents are control freak , they force their wishes on their children because they feel they are the supreme power in the house....while it is not true for all the decisions taken by parents for their children against their children's wishes....
    For parents who wanted to stop their daughters wearing skirts or jeans, May not be control freak but pressurised by society too....
    My 7 yrs daughter many a times tells me that I will do what I want to...I tell her you do as par your wish once you are an adult, till then you are my responsibility....if I feel that your wish is not best for you, I will not let you do that...
     
  5. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    Being protective is good till a certain age..your father dint allow you to ride a cycle, to school, I can understand that ...in peak hour traffic, parents will surely be worried whether the child can ride a cycle safely or not. But after a child becomes an adult a different approach has to be used by the parents, friendly approach and not controlling approach..since you are a sensible adult. I suggest you do not hurt your father at this age and just say yes to him..later do what you think is right.
     
  6. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

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    Yes, that's what it was. A vent! Vent all you want here, but with your father on the phone, try to be patient as possible.
     
  7. jillcastle

    jillcastle Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you all for replying!

    I guess the OP was mainly a vent. I wasn't exactly looking for suggestions as I already deal it like I said, just say yes to what he says and do things as per our wish.

    I have tried so many times to explain to him "this is what it is", that I like to do things my way. It all falls on deaf ears. I only lose my energy, so I end up just saying "yes" to whatever he says.

    These days I deal with it by not telling him anything at all. But sometimes I just say things forgetting the consequences. The problem of being controlled for so many years, I just find it hard to do anything without telling him. Its like a trained behaviour for me, I automatically tell him stuff which later I'd realize I should not have told him. Still working on it.
     

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