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How Do You Balance Family While Taking Care Of A Parent?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by gamma50g, May 5, 2023.

  1. gamma50g

    gamma50g Gold IL'ite

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    For daughters who are sole caregivers for their parent, how did you manage to prioritize your family while caring for your parent when taking a vacation is not an option?
     
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  2. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Gold IL'ite

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    I am having other kinds of troubles, but I do care for my parent. So in that context, I first finihs up with cooking and prepare the meds handy if I am not at home. That schedule just doesnt move. I dont have a cook, so I have to move prior and prior schedule int he morning depending on my morning meetings. Thats tough. not a doubt.
    I try to set some time to have a coffee or dinner with him as much as I can. (same my mom did with my grandmother. Her first stop after work and before coming to our apartment would be to stop by gannys apartment and have a snac k or tea and chat. Advantage is we were int he same building)
    If you have children already, then ensure they spend time with the granparent atleast once a day after 30 mins so they dont feel left out. Atleast, thats what I did with my granny. I dont have children so maybe my job is easier but going for fertility treatments and failing and still cook in time is a very deprressing thing to do and trying to balance as much as I can.
     
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  3. gamma50g

    gamma50g Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you for your insights. You must be an amazing daughter to your parents. I hope your prayers are answered and you give us good news soon. Sending you lots of baby dust vibes
     
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  4. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Gold IL'ite

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    no ya ! I am really not an amazing daughter. I am a very mediocre person compared to my parents. I have a long way to go ! I need to stop here before I get into a rant :)
    Thanks for the baby dust !
     
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  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Your question is not clear!

    Nevertheless, I can share my experience here.

    My mom is 73 years of age, living with me since the past 12 years and considered a family member. For me, prioritizing family also means prioritizing my mother's needs as well.

    It is indeed an added responsibility to care for an elderly person. You have to make sure everything you do is inclusive.
    It ranges from cooking to cleaning to planning your vacation to simple things like eating out or going out with friends. Everything has to be customized so that it fits the elderly person in the family.

    This was difficult in the past, but then I realized having a child is also not easy. We had changed our life style after kids and adapted several changes to accommodate our kids' needs in the family. But we are not feeling bad for doing this.
    Then why would someone feel bad for having to customize their priorities to care for an elderly, that is their own parent?

    In many Indian households, DILs take care of their in laws. If that's normal, then what's the big deal for daughters to do the same to their own parents?
     
  6. gamma50g

    gamma50g Gold IL'ite

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    @SGBV I love this statement!! I wish more husbands felt this way when it comes to supporting wives taking care of their elderly parent instead of asking to "choose your priorities" between "your family" vs "your parent".

    The Indian mindset sadly remains where it was long long ago for most part. I see a lot of daughters caring for their parent at their own home after one parent passes away.

    However, the things they tolerate from their spouses - the constant being told that the parent is living with them due to the husband's big heart and generosity, the expectation that they will care for in-laws (when both are young and in good health) because they are caregivers for their own parent makes me wonder if daughters can't get support from their own spouses for taking care of their elderly parent, what hope does the spouse have that dil will ever reciprocate by caring for his parents when their turn comes?

    I wonder when will the mindset change...
     
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  7. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Gold IL'ite

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    mindsets wont change. I and my brother still keep getting asked this question. Where does your father live? Why does your brother not take care of the father? Why is a girl taking care of the father...this is not some old ammamma asking...even colleagues ask ! so not an old generation thing...
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Why do you wish men/husbands should feel this? It is the responsibility of the daughter, not the SNIL, to take care of an elderly parent.
    They can support or chose to stay out of this.
    No one has the right to tell an adult what should be his/her priorities.
    Family is a group of people, who are related to each other, who live together. If a parent lives with us, it means they are already a part of the family and naturally becomes the priority.


    It is not because of the husband's big heart. But because of the wife/daughter's big heart and sense of responsibility towards her parents.
    Of course in laws have equal place in the house, but they should be taken cared by their son - not by their DIL.


    I do not expect my husband to contribute to financially or physically or even emotionally to take care of my parent. It is not fair!
    However, living with an elderly person has its own pros and cons. The elderly person can always add great value to the family through their wisdom, service, love, and care. At the same time, they can also be irritating and interfering.
    While the former qualities can support the family, especially when both spouse run after careers, the latter can disturb too.
    Family management is being able to handle both by ensuring no one is affected.
    If your parent is living with you, obviously it is your responsibility to ensure your spouse or the children are unaffected by this.
     
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  9. gamma50g

    gamma50g Gold IL'ite

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    I meant to say that I wish husbands feel that family for a wife/daughter is not just her husband, in laws and kids. It also includes her parent. More so if the parent lives under the same roof because at that point that parent only has the child as the primary caregiver.

    I am with you in that there shouldnt be any expectation from husband / son in law for anything. Its a child's duty to take care of his/her parent if necessity arises, be it a son or daughter.

    Noone else can care for their own parent like their own child.
     
  10. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga IL Hall of Fame

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    I wish my Dad can live with me if I am lucky enough to get married!
     
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