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How do parents take daughter's divorce issue

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by itsmeteddy, Mar 2, 2008.

  1. itsmeteddy

    itsmeteddy New IL'ite

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    I have told my parents that I want to get divorced. I am very much worried about their situation. They live in India and I am in US. My in laws will ask them thousands of questions, they need to face the society. It really scares me a lot. I feel very depressed with this.

    Could you please tell me how is divorce going to be from parents aspect. How did your parents face this issue etc.

    Thank you.
     
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  2. ansh12

    ansh12 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Teddy

    First of all thanks for posting this thread.Its very relevant.

    First , society is because of you, you are not because of the society.

    You have the right to live and you can't and you shouldn't forgo that just becuase of the wrong notions and preceptions of the society.

    "Kuch to log Kahnege, logon Ka Kaam he Kahana.."

    Society is a double edged sword. It has double standards.For eg. if a dowry victims returns home, it will say she didn't show restrain, she didn't adjust and so on so forth. If the girl adjusts and is eventually is burnt alive and driven to suicide, it says "She should have been stronger, she only would have known the situation, why didn't she walk out"

    So,please don't bother about the society. Its your life first.

    Coming to parents. Things have really changed from the time when I separated to now. people are more sensitive. Your parents may have to hear few things for few days, but if they themselves are strong, they will be your strength and eventually society will also support you.

    Personally, in my case, it was me who was weak as I was highly qualified as per as punjabi society and I always use to bother that people will say I didn't adjust and my brother and sis both younger to me will have problem in getting married.

    I was lucky to have supportive parents and grandparents as well. They instilled confidence in me. They knew I was suffering every hour and which parent can see the sufferings of the child.They told me that they will stand by whatever is my decision.

    Not even once did they tell me that what will society say, how will you bring up your sick daughter, who required innumerable visits to the hospital and i was staying all alone and quite faraway from them(now also I stay alone)

    They just told "Be strong, everything will fall in place"

    Even now, I get upset when someone ruffles my feather and it happened yesterday itself.

    Be strong, you have got just one life to live, you can be useful to society if you are kind to yourself and happy. Don't waiver, if you think divorce is inevitable. You know you haven't cheated anyone or played with anyone's life and emotions.Your parents will always want you to be happy.

    Let me know if my reply helped you a bit.

    Love
    Ansh
     
  3. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

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    Hey Teddy:

    I agre with Ansh. Don't let that change your decision. Yes, your parents will be upset for a while, but it will all pass in no time. You are the one who needs to live your life.....no one else.

    I have a colleague at work, a guy.....whose sister was married for 10 years, lived in India and her husband was abusive. She wanted to leave him, but was forced to live with him because her parents were worried about what the society would think. She committed suicide and is now gone forever. Even to this day, her parents live with the guilt that they pushed her to that point.

    So, when my colleague came to know that I had left my ex, the only thing he said was.....he wished he had asked his sister to do that, she would have been alive today. It made me cry so bad!!

    Today, no one but his family goes thru this pain everyday. The so called society that they were afraid of, hardly even remembers her or her worries or any of that.

    It's your life and live it whatever way that makes you happy.
     
  4. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    I agree with Induskr and Ansh, the society will treat you the way you will allow them to treat you. If you are confident with your decision and carry it along well most people understand it well. In my experience (3 months of separation) I feel more comfortable talking to Indians in India than a lot of my indian friends in US. I lived in US for 1 month and came to India in January after I found out about my husbands adultrous life. All our (my husband and mine) friends in US still insist that we should try to workout our relationship for the sake of kids, unlike our common friends in India.

    No matter where you are, if you have your future well planned out and you are not dependent on anybody your parents will also accept it soon. At the end of the day you have to be happy with your decision.

    I really love this quote from Janani's messages that holds true for any relationship and makes me feel very good about my decision "Never make someone a priority in you life, when you are only an option in theirs!!!!' .
     
  5. itsmeteddy

    itsmeteddy New IL'ite

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    Hi Ansh12, induskr and drjp,

    Thank you very much for sharing your experience and thoughts. It has definitely helped me a lot. I really hope it will be as smooth as possible for my parents. I hope this phase will be over soon.

    Thanks again for the support.
     
  6. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Teddy,

    You have to do what you feel is best for you. The tongue will always wag this way or that.

    So be bold and strong.

    All the best
    Warm regards
     
  7. itsmeteddy

    itsmeteddy New IL'ite

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    Thank you very much roopa for posting the message for me. It has given me strength to face society. I am rightnow going through really tough time...I have told my parents that I want a divorce from the marriage which has not worked and which is not going to work. So this is the toughest period to convince parents, take the heat from inlaws...etc.

    Thanks for your time.
     
  8. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

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    The only people you should even be talking to are ONLY your parents. Forget taking heat, why are you even talking to your inlaws or letting them talk to you?

    You relationship with them was through your husband. When that relationship does not exist, then why are they in the picture?

    I understand if you have had a great relationship with them and if you are leaving your husband because of something he did, then you can continue to keep them in the loop.....but otherwise, they are nobody to you.
     
  9. sreechandra

    sreechandra New IL'ite

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    Hi Ansh,

    You are really lucky that your parents are supportive and they instilled confidence in you. I am a single parent. I had to face same situation in my daughter's life. Initially, like all other parents, I tried to solve the problems in her married life through marriage counsellor and other aged people in my family. But finally we had to go in for divorce. All our society went against us because of this. But I didn't bother about the society and gave all support and strength to my daughter. I had to save the life of my daughter. Now the things are normal. My daughter is also happy now, even through she is single at present. She is a working woman.
     
  10. Preethi Patnaik

    Preethi Patnaik New IL'ite

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    Dear Itsmeteddy,
    Sending a big hug your way. This can be a very lonely time and just believe in yourself and what you want to do and look forward to the good times that will follow.
    Its very hard to live like the way you do and its not worth it end of the day -only your life gets wasted -no one else really cares.
    Do tell your mum and dad that any pressure from the in-laws to talk to their son instead of questioning them. Give them the courage to say that we expect our daughter to be treated with respect and dignity not the way it is -and if is that way then checking whats going on is your responsibility first.
    Most parents do have the in-law complex its ingrained in our system. And as everyone said society is an idle mind looking for someone to punce on when they are finished they are out looking for another victim.
    Just believe in yourself girl and have the courage to step out, the road is less travelled and nothing will be easy but just go ahead.
    See where you are most comfortable -going back home or staying back and work your base from there. If you go back to india don't stay home take up any job and the distraction will help the bad times pass. If you plan to stay back then work towards securing your base and move on.
    In india today things have changed quite a bit and even peoples outlook has changed. The younger generation has really brought about a new outlook. When we are out of india most of us become insecure and we try not to make too many radical changes and yes we do tend to tell our friends to compromise and work things out -we all tend to stick to the comfortable and thats a fact.
    Think in five years would you want to be in the same situation or do you want it changed. To make the change you have to act otherwise it remains the same and everyone else are comfortable with that -only not you.
    So pray and do have faith in God and yourself. You are young educated and not dependant. Life will restart just look ahead.

    Take care and be strong,
    A big hug once more :)
    preethi
     

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